Humor Thread

[redpaint]

blood test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

 

[redpaint]

red neck on the jury
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

 

[redpaint]

inflatable girlfriend
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"

 

[redpaint]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds.

 

[redpaint]

Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents
Posted February 1st, 2008 by The Idiot

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q- Tips".

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper.

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!".

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on
E-Bay.

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam.

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

 

[redpaint]

Warning Labels
Posted April 12th, 2007 by The Idiot

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

 

[michchick98]

E-Harmony application

Okay, this may have been posted here before, I don't know. I didn't search through the thread. This is the first time I've seen it and found it absolutely hilarious:


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3230/3119531316_09b53c4843_o.jpg

 

[michchick98]

You named it what?

I've seen these before, but they never fail to get a giggle.

Falling under the YOU NAMED IT WHAT?? category:


http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3260/3119531314_26b4fbe156_o.jpg http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3235/3119531310_ee2a21f2fa_o.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3118/3119531306_a5c160e56f_o.jpg http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3086/3119529716_d4a6f824db_o.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3283/3119529710_3465df1639_o.jpg http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3123/3119529704_3a564e1676_o.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3194/3119529698_f743f73f04_o.jpg http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3059/3119529692_6a30073116_o.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3187/3119529694_e8fcac6756_o.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Hey Great stuff Paint and Mich Chick. Of course I've always been a little partial to Michigan girls since I lived there for 23 years and married one. Thanks to both of you for contributing to the thread. Please keep it up.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd!!!

I had to laugh when I read this. I'm part of the way over 30 crowd, told my kids similar stuff when I was thirty and my parents did the same to me way back when.
DG

> If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
>
> When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
> With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing
> up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning
>
> ... Uphill...
>
> BOTH ways
>
> Yadda, yadda, yadda
>
> And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
> There was no way in hell I was going to lay
>
> A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
>
> And how easy they've got it!
>
> But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
> Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
>
> You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
> Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
>
> And I hate to say it but you kids today you
> Don't know how good you've got it!
>
> I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
> something, We had to go to the damn library and
> Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
>
> There was no email!! We had to actually write
> Somebody a letter, with a pen!
>
> ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox
> and it would take like a week to get there!
>
> There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to
> Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it
> yourself!
>
> Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
> talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
>
> We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
> Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
>
> And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
> When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
> Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
> Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
>
> We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
> Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
> Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
> Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
> Screens, it was just one screen
> Forever!
>
> And you could never win. The game just kept getting
> Harder and harder and
> Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
>
> Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
> Was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote
> Control!
>
> You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
> On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
> Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
> Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
> On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
> For cartoons, you spoiled
> Little rat-bastards!
>
> And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
> Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
>
> If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
> And shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
>
> That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
> Today have got it too easy.
> You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
> Five minutes back in 1980!
>
> Regards,
> The over 30 Crowd

 

[redpaint]

michchick98 pretty funny stuff. Had seen some of them before, does not matter still very funny. Thanks for the Laugh.

DG you know I'll be back, with hopeful something new and funny. if not then old and funny

 

[DG Hear]

Sex Education

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...
"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

 

[DG Hear]

Better Grades

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"

 

[DG Hear]

Jail versus Work

Wonder why people complain about going to jail. All that about the free world and earning your own money is hogwash.

Don't believe us? Read on to see just how prison is better than work.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Given the cool, hassle free, bill free and tax-free life one has in a prison cell, coming to office daily and working is like third-degree torture.

NOTE FROM DG:

I think I still prefer the work.

Asshole out of Jail (o)

Asshole in jail (0)

 

[redpaint]

Perks of Old Age

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}

 

[redpaint]

Aging Women

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

 

[redpaint]

Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. A car wash kit

9. A table saw

8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7. A case of oil

6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5. Custom engraved bowling ball

4. New outboard motor for fishing boat

3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2. New satellite dish with sports package

1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic



Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9. Any knick-knack

8. Tickets to the ballet

7. Another new tie

6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5. New teddy bear pajamas

4. Vacuum cleaner

3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"

2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.

 

[redpaint]

Santa's New Contract

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond "I heard dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off". The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus's elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.


Sincerely yours,



Santa Claus

 

[DG Hear]

YOU GOTTA LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week..."

 

[DG Hear]

Biggest Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.

"Good Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

 

[DG Hear]

Adam & Eve

Note: This piece is from the net. Author unknown.

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

 

[DG Hear]

Do you remember when...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead

 

[DG Hear]

The oedipus complex

This is one worth saving.
DG

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

 

[DG Hear]

Family Definitions

Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.

Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.

Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.

Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him.

Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments.

Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another person to harass.

 

[DG Hear]

How To Make Love

HOW TO MAKE LOVE
==================

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results: Continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use

3. If cake rises, leave town.