Humor Thread

[Emperor_Nero]

Driving Dilema

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident... Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt...

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break...

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

[DG Hear]

Only a Mother Would Know...

Cup of Tea .

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?

 

[DG Hear]

"Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is Spending Less on the Company Christmas Party"

10. Invitation lists time of party as "7pm - 7:15pm"
- Doug C., Ledyard, CT

9. Just eggs... No nog
- Dan R., Saginaw, MI

8. This year's open bar is the water cooler
- Lockport, IL

7. For snacks, he just breaks open the vending machines
- Ben S., Wahoo, NE

6. Instead of a Christmas ham, it's Christmas bologna
- Oolitic, IN

5. The mistletoe was replaced with old tea bags
- Scotch Plains, NJ

4. Decorations left over from Halloween; food left over from Thanksgiving
- Garland B., Warren, OH

3. For party music everyone takes turns listening to his iPod
- Mark K., Wrentham

2. Entire party has been outsourced to India
- Austin, TX

1. He spent the money on that Senate seat in Illinois
- Jeff D., Altadena, CA

 

[DG Hear]

Cleanliness in the Restroom

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Texas A&M University, I learned not to piss on my hands."

 

[DG Hear]

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

 

[DG Hear]

How God Works...

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness !

 

[DG Hear]

Go Paddy!!!

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

 

[DG Hear]

Golf Quotes?????????

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter!

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to
be desired.

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first

 

[DG Hear]

If you get caught sleeping at your desk

Face it, we all feel sleepy the moment we enter the office premises. But what if your boss caught you sleeping at your desk? Here is what you can tell him:

• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

• "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

• "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

• "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

• "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

• "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

• "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

• "The coffee machine is broken..."

• "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

• " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

[DG Hear]

Detroit Red Wings Hockey

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a Young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is Suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins theTeam for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10
minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he Goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the
Game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches Are
delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her About his
first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he Says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5
goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they All love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about My day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, Raped and
beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all While you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's Your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

 

[DG Hear]

Poem 'A Fart'

I didn't write it but it brought a tear to my eye.
DG

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, right?

 

[Pornguin]

"Sorry? You're Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's Your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

There's a reason a very very wise man once started calling Detroit New Fallujah.

 

[drwtlp]

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a Young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is Suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins theTeam for the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10
minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he Goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the
Game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches Are
delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her About his
first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he Says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5
goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they All love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about My day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, Raped and
beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all While you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's Your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

hey, you can't discredit championships. four in eleven years, no team has more in that span. let's go red wings.

 

[DG Hear]

Shopping with the wife

A husband and wife were shopping in their local WalMart. The husband
picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replied.

"Put it back; we can't afford it," demands the wife.

And so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the
woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in their basket

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replied the
wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the
price."

Heard over the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a
husband down."

 

[DG Hear]

hey, you can't discredit championships. four in eleven years, no team has more in that span. let's go red wings.

I agree!!! I'm originally from Detroit, and have always been a Red Wings fan.
DG

 

[john-the-author]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

My wife, the judge (aka "a lawyer in recovery" as she puts it) likes this one the best:

What do you call 150 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet.

 

[DG Hear]

Sent to me by a woman, no surprise.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am con stantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such a s her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. '

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'


Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

[DG Hear]

STAY ALERT! They walk among us...

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTI NG:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun.. We should do th is more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE.

 

[Pornguin]

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God:

"Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

 

[Weird Harold]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

Why not? It looks to me like a good way to get a $1 rebate.

 

[DG Hear]

Chinese Proverbs

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY A HOUSE BUT NOT A HOME

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY A CLOCK BUT NOT TIME

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY A BED BUT NOT SLEEP

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY A BOOK, BUT NOT KNOWLEDGE

WITH MONEY YOU CAN A DOCTOR, BUT NOT GOOD HEALTH

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY A POSITION BUT NOT RESPECT

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY BLOOD BUT NOT LIFE

WITH MONEY YOU CAN BUY SEX BUT NOT LOVE

HOWEVER, WITH NO MONEY YOU CAN’T BUY EGGROLLS

 

[fifty5]

What a shame that's true, but far from funny.

 

[DG Hear]

Excuses from school

The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

And the best one...
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was not his fault.

 

[DG Hear]

We had some of these before but they are so funny.

We have all heard how lawyers are the meanest people on Earth. Here’s proof that a number of them are also the dumbest. Read along and know why you should really think before hiring a lawyer for anything!

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records from all over the world.

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated by?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid..., he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

 

[Pornguin]

President Bush announced that before he leaves office he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes.