Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Learning golf

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time. When finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf
lessons instead."

 

[DG Hear]

McGregor the…..

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me own self, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder? No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another.

"Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me own self, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder? No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

 

[DG Hear]

The Letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

*************

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your ! negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed: Rich and Free!

 

[DG Hear]

Another Blond Joke

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. Puts the croc up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up to the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bottle.

 

[TE999]

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. Puts the croc up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up to the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

Fixed it for ya, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks Tom!!! Don't know how I missed it.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

LOVE vs. LUST vs. MARRIAGE

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "makin love".
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When...uh...what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Love: When you take a bubble bath together.
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together.
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath.

Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two.
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 Happy Meals...to go.

Love: Giving your love some candy.
Lust: Thinking you are the candy.
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet.

Love: A night out at the Symphony.
Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn.
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice.

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold.
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm..."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket.

Love: Talking and cuddling.
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep.
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands...

Love: Long drives through the countryside.
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout.
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat.

Love: Sex every night.
Lust: Sex 5 times a night.
Marriage: Sex?

 

[TE999]

Son of Bumper Snickers

In case of rapture
this car will head for the mall

Some people are terrible drivers
I call them 'anyone else but me'

Your Proctologist called
They found your head

Coffee, chocolate, men.
Some things are better rich

The weather is here -
wish you were beautiful

Dyslexics Are Teople Poo

It's lonely at the top
but you eat better

All generalizations are false

Chaos. Panic. Disorder
My work here is done

Stress is when you wake up screaming
and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

Okay, who put 'stop payment'
on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher,
unfortunately it kills all
it's students

If you're psychic, think honk

If at first you don't succeed
try not to look astonished

Lottery: A tax on people who can't do math

I majored in Liberal arts
You want fries with that?

The IRS: We've got what it takes
to take what you've got

Work hard, four people on welfare
are depending on you

Please do not honk-
Driver sleeping

If we are what we eat
then I'm cheap, fast and easy

A hundred thousand sperm
and you were the fastest?

Heart attacks: God's revenge
for eating his animal friends

Friends help you move -
Real friends help you move bodies

 

[DG Hear]

Hey Tom, some of those were really cute. Made me smile. I like to smile.
Thanks
DG

 

[TE999]

Hey Tom, some of those were really cute. Made me smile. I like to smile.
Thanks
DG

Glad you liked 'em, DG.

I'll scare up some more when I get a minute.

 

[DG Hear]

Sex Quotations

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for date on Saturday night." --- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices, which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --- Lynn Lavner

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --- Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --- George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." --- Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --- Tiger Woods

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --- Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --- Robert De Niro

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --- Dustin Hoffman

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." --- Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --- Rod Stewart

 

[DG Hear]

The Rules For Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club & two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. Particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. You may ask why the course owner gets to make the rules? See attachment below for the answer..

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//25789-i_have_the_pussy.jpg

Good enough reason for me.

 

[TE999]

A mother and her young daughter are in New York City trying to hail a cab. The daughter sees several scantily clad women on the street corner. Just then a cab stops and they get in.

"Mommie, who were those ladies on the corner?"

"Those ladies were waiting for their husbands to come home from work, precious."

"Ahh, hell," says the cabbie. "Tell her da truth. Dems hookers, fer crissake."

A moment of silence.

"Mommie, do those ladies have children?"

"Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

[TE999]

Two convicted murderers are waiting to be executed. The warden says to the first one "Any last requests?"

"Yes, I want to hear Madonna sing 'Like A Virgin' one last time."

"How about you?," the warden asks the second man.

"Yeah, kill me first."

 

[TE999]

St. Peter gets fed up with standing at the Pearly Gates checking people into heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man approaches and says "I'm looking for my son."

"Who are you?", Jesus asks.

"I'm the closest thing he has for a father," the man replies.

"What did you do?"

"I was a carpenter."

"Does your son have holes in his hands and feet?"

"Why yes, he does."

"Joseph!"

"Pinnochio"

 

[TE999]

A man goes to heaven and asks to speak to God.

"God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

"So you would find them attractive."

"Why did you make them so dumb?"

"So they would find you attractive."

 

[TE999]

Employee Placement Test

Put the prospective employee in a room with a table and two chairs, then observe:

If they take the table and chairs apart: Put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the screws in the furniture: Finance.

If they begin screaming and waving their arms: Manufacturing.

If they're talking to the chairs: Personnel.

If they don't look up when you finally enter the room: Security.

If they tell you the furniture isn't as bad as it looks: Marketing.

If they leave the room early: Sales.

If they are sound asleep: Management.

 

[TE999]

Answering Machine Messages

"My girlfriend and I can't answer the phone right now. We'll call you back as soon as we're finished."
--------
"A is for Academics
B is for beer
One of those reasons is why I'm not here. Leave a message."
--------
(Announcer voice) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a blizzard of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling frantically! Will he make it in time? Alas, his valiant effort is in vain. Please leave a message."
--------
"Hi. Now you say something."
--------
"Hi. Bill's anwering machine is broken, this is his refrigerator. Please speak slowly and I'll stick the message to myself with one of these magnets."
--------
"Hello, this is John. If this is the phone company, I already sent the money. If this is my parents, please send money. If this is the Financial Aid Office, you didn't lend me enough money. If it's one of my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don't worry, I've plenty of money."
--------
"Hi. I'm probably home, but I'm avoiding a particularly annoying person. If I don't call back, it's you."
--------
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are feeling sleepy. You are losing willpower and the ability to resist suggestions. At the tone, you will be helplessly compelled to leave your name, number and a short message."
--------
"This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic recording device. At the tone, leave your name, number and the reason for your call. I'll think about calling you back."
--------
"Please leave a message, however you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say is being recorded and will be used by us."
--------
"Hello, answering machine speaking. My owners don't need their carpets cleaned, insurance, aluminum siding, storm windows, a hot tub, cosmetics or their picture taken. They give to charities at the office. If you're still with me, leave a name and number and they'll get back to you."
--------
"Hello. This is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine eloped with her DVD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls. When you're finshed leaving a message and want something cooked, hold it up to the receiver."
--------
"Hello. You've reached Ted and Sonya. We can't answer the phone because we're doing something together. Sonya likes it up and down, while Ted likes it side to side. Leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll call back."
--------
"You have reached the CPX 2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your audio patterns are being digitally recorded for later use. I am computerizing your voice for literally thousands of illegal or immoral purposes. Our staff of professional extortionists will be in contact to arrange a schedule of payments. Please speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
--------
"Hi, this is George. If you're a burglar, we're home cleaning some of our guns. If you aren't, we're probably out, so it's safe to leave a message at the beep."
--------
"Hello. This is Betty's answering machine. What are you?"

 

[TE999]

Driving Test Follies

These are real answers received on drivers license exams:

Q. Do you yield when a blind person is crossing the road?
A. Why? He can't see my license plate.

Q. Who has the right of way when four vehicles meet at a four way stop?
A. The guy in the beat up pickup with a gun rack and a bumper sticker reading 'Guns don't kill people, I do'.

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A. Be too loaded to find your keys.

Q. What problems would you face if pulled over for drunken driving?
A. I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q. What changes would there be in your life if you were prohibited from driving lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. What are points to remember when passing or being passed?
A. Make eye contact, smile and wave if he/she is cute.

Q. What's the difference between a flashing red light and a flashing yellow light?
A. The color.

Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.

Q. What can you do to help ease heavy traffic problems?
A. Carry loaded weapons.

Q. Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A. It would be difficult to be an asshole all day long.

 

[redpaint]

CORPORATE MEMO


To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy


The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


Happy Holidays all!!

 

[redpaint]

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[redpaint]

The FAA Inspection
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
Christmas Santa
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

 

[redpaint]

Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
Christmas Elf
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

 

[DG Hear]

Welcome Back from vacation Red.

 

[DG Hear]

Refund at Wal-Mart

A Lady friend sent me this to post. I guess she didn't want anyone talking about her nipples.
DG

To get a "Special" refund at Wal-Mart

A middle aged woman went to a Walmart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special.'

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am, what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special.'

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MYNIPPLES!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!