Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

OK, not for everyone. LOL

SHORT AND SWEET

Q. What is the difference between ‘ohhh’ and ‘aahhh’
A. About three inches.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Why do sluts always have navel rings?
A. They need somewhere to hang the air freshener!

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A. A licker cabinet.

Q. How is a dick like fishing?
A. Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones.

Q. What did one boob say to the other boob?
A. We better stop hanging so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Q. What do women and a toilet seat have in common?
A. They are both warm when you get there, but you're always wondering who was there before you!

Q. What do hurricanes and women have in common
A. They're both wet and wild when they come, and they take the house and car when they leave.

Q. What have a KFC and women got in common?
A. Once you finished with the legs and breasts you are just left with a greasy box to chuck your bone in.

Q. What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A. You make a tire with them and call it "Good Year".

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

Q. What do you get when you cross a whore and an onion?
A. A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

 

[Pornguin]

Thought for the day: do lesbians require a lickher license?

 

[DG Hear]

Want To Be…

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were discussing what they would want to be if they were born again.

The brunette said, ‘I’d like to be Sophia Loren. She is sooo beautiful. There would be queue of men outside my door to court me.'

The redhead said, ‘I’d like to be Gina Lollobrigida.’ She is sooo sexy. There would be no dearth of men to make love to me.'

The blonde said, ‘I’d like to be Carolina Pipilini.'

‘Who the hell is she?’ both the brunette and the redhead asked together.

‘Haven’t you read today's paper?’ the blonde replied, smiling smugly at their ignorance, ‘she has made the headlines.’

The brunette and the redhead got the paper. The headlines read:

“CAROLINA PIPELINE LAID BY A HUNDRED MEN IN TWENTYFOUR HOURS”

 

[DG Hear]

The nursing home...

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And me......, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!"

 

[DG Hear]

Doc, She Can’t Possibily Be Mine!

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for some time. In the last year we made love once."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It’s just rust."

 

[DesertPirate]

We can also laugh at the thought that Tampa Bay can stop the run

 

[DG Hear]

Who To Fire

Had this before but it makes me laugh. I can picture it happening. What would the boss have said next?
DG


The Boss was in a quandary. He has to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

 

[DG Hear]

The Left Brain / Right Brain Phenomenon?

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.

Try it!

**************

This part is supposed to be a joke, so dont get offended!

Your peculiar brain is made of two sides: Left side and right side. The Left side has got nothing RIGHT in it and the right side has got nothing LEFT in it.

**************

The right side of the body is controled by the left hemisphere of the brain.
The left side of the body is controled by the right hemisphere of the brain.

Soooooo. theroreticly this means that it is only left handed people who are in there right mind.

 

[TE999]

Fifty-two years ago today, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain man joined the Army. On the first day, they issued him a comb, then shaved off his hair. The second day, they issued him a toothbrush, then pulled eight of his teeth. The third day they issued him a jockstrap. The Army has been looking for Herman ever since.

 

[Pornguin]

Good one TE999.

 

[DG Hear]

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.




Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Would be funny if it wasn't so close to being true.

 

[DG Hear]

Name your Penis

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to his left, with a smile, looks back and says, "'Timex.'"

The Thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "'Ford', because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to The bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"

The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

 

[DG Hear]

Some (un)assorted jokettes

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said.
'Just get out.'

*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card
with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied,
'I know the guy.'

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank
God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

******************************************** =

 

[DG Hear]

Real Cowboy!!!

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[DG Hear]

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

 

[jomar]

I stole a joke...so what....

Helga was hanging the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

''''''''Gootness, iss hot,'''''''' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''''''''Vy nought?'''''''' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''''''''

The bartender asked, ''''''''Anheuser Busch?''''''''

''''''''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''''''''

 

[DG Hear]

40 ways NOT to please your lover!!!

I didn't write these!!! If I did it would have been a HOW TO!!!
Enjoy! DG

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) NOT THANKING HER. Don't forget that you're a fuckin' slob,.. and you're lucky to have that goddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.

 

[DG Hear]

The Parrot

I've had lots of Parrot jokes; don't remember posting this one.
DG

farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot was up to. The owners reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it, they will have to shave his head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbor's turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The next day at the farmer's daughters wedding, to please the relative, who had given them the parrot, they sit the parrot on the piano and tell him that he should greet all the guests and direct them to their seats in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's guests to the left and Bride's guests to the right."

Until finally two bald men arrive and then he announces, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

 

[DesertPirate]

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after
bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For
Instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska, the men who
defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two
other prominent men to assist them. Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe
gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

 

[DG Hear]

--Junior asks his dad,

"Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies,

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

 

[Pornguin]

What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

Awesome; I'm so borrowing that one.

 

[neighbourly]

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS for kinky folk


On the 1st day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
A Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 6th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees

On the 11th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

On the 12th day of Christmas, my MASTER gave to me...
12 Orgasms Screaming,
11 Pairs of Stockings,
10 Scenes a Whipping,
9 Candles Dripping,
8 Floggers Flogging,
7 Crops a Swinging,
6 Tubes of KY,
FIVE ANAL BEADS ...,
4 Ball Gags,
3 Blindfolds,
2 Nipple Clamps and
a Small Feather Pillow for my knees.

 

[DesertPirate]

If you can't click on the link below - cut and past or type exactly into your search bar above - this is an excellent video for the men, but women will definitely appreciate it and want to know where this dog house is located!


This was created by JC Penneys. This is the best I have seen in a long time.



guys, .....adjust accordingly. Click on the video link below.



http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx

 

[DG Hear]

Ya Gotta Love George!!!

Mr. George Carlin's View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never say that you are thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16!"

You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21!
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21,YESSSS!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50….and your dreams are gone.

But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 7O. After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN IN at 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Great stuff!!!

 

[DG Hear]

More From George!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until your gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

BUT you still became old…then remember the tree golden rules of getting old….

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