rgraham666
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Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
trysail
Catch Me Who Can
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Breaking News : Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup
By Andreas Hippin
November 20 (Bloomberg) -- The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said. ``You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything," said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate
Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS's are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody's and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS's.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said "we need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster."
Shandu added, "We don't call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better."
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DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into
a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
matriarch
Rotund retiree
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Christmas humour.
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist
DesertPirate
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Have a great thanksgiving all! from DG Hear
Dirty things that can only be said on Thanksgiving...
01. Talk about a huge breast
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
03. It's Cool Whip time
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
05. That's one terrific spread
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat
07. Are you ready for seconds yet
08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
10. Don't play with your meat
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that
18. That's the biggest one I'v e ever seen
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Dirty things that can only be said on Thanksgiving...
01. Talk about a huge breast
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist
03. It's Cool Whip time
04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst
05. That's one terrific spread
06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat
07. Are you ready for seconds yet
08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it
09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
10. Don't play with your meat
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that
18. That's the biggest one I'v e ever seen
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Last edited:
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
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- Posts
- 56,017
Sent to my wife...
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour, and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
****
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs....
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen,
and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour, and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
****
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs....
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen,
and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it! They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen
Last edited:
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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- Mar 20, 2006
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- 20,432
Good one Og, thanks 
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
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- 30,088
Absolutely the funniest joke ever...
on the American taxpayer.
Does anyone out there remember why the Department of Energy was created during the Carter Administration?
Didn't think so.
We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of a Department whose initial mission is one not 1 person in 10,000 can remember.
It was very simple and at the time everyone thought it was a great idea.
The Department of Energy was created in August 04, 1977 to...ta daaa...Lessen our dependence on foreign oil!
Pretty efficient, huh?
Now it's almost 2009, 31 years later and this necessary departments budget is $24.4 billion a year, it has 16,000 federal employees and another 100,000 contract employees. They sure have done a wonderful job.
This is where America should slap it's forehead and say why are we paying for this?
Ah yes, the wonderful government bureaucracy...and now we want to turn the banking system, the auto makers, our health care and the coal industry over to them?
We're screwed.
on the American taxpayer.
Does anyone out there remember why the Department of Energy was created during the Carter Administration?
Didn't think so.
We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of a Department whose initial mission is one not 1 person in 10,000 can remember.
It was very simple and at the time everyone thought it was a great idea.
The Department of Energy was created in August 04, 1977 to...ta daaa...Lessen our dependence on foreign oil!
Pretty efficient, huh?
Now it's almost 2009, 31 years later and this necessary departments budget is $24.4 billion a year, it has 16,000 federal employees and another 100,000 contract employees. They sure have done a wonderful job.
This is where America should slap it's forehead and say why are we paying for this?
Ah yes, the wonderful government bureaucracy...and now we want to turn the banking system, the auto makers, our health care and the coal industry over to them?
We're screwed.
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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- Mar 20, 2006
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- 20,432
Sorry to say you are correct Tom
rgraham666
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 19, 2004
- Posts
- 43,875
I laughed at this.
http://liberalserving.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/liberalpermit_02.jpg
But only because my other choices for a reaction were unpleasant.
http://liberalserving.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/liberalpermit_02.jpg
But only because my other choices for a reaction were unpleasant.
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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- Mar 20, 2006
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- 20,432
Differences Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning
he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning
he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Student from India
It was the first day of school and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg - 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says,
'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck
this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher ,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh shit, now we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
'I think that was the American people, November 4th, 2008."
It was the first day of school and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg - 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says,
'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck
this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and
shouts to the teacher ,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little
shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh shit, now we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
'I think that was the American people, November 4th, 2008."
rgraham666
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 19, 2004
- Posts
- 43,875
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
Liberal or Conservative?
A good story, you can tell even your youngest child, and they will know the difference between a liberal and a conservative.
I remember the time that Catherine, one of my daughter Shannon's friends when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents are liberals and were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you are President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house."
looked at me, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over, clean up the dog poop and you can pay HIM the $5."
Welcome to the Conservative movement Catherine!
A good story, you can tell even your youngest child, and they will know the difference between a liberal and a conservative.
I remember the time that Catherine, one of my daughter Shannon's friends when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents are liberals and were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you are President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house."
looked at me, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over, clean up the dog poop and you can pay HIM the $5."
Welcome to the Conservative movement Catherine!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
I Got Your Mama
There have been variations of this but still funny.
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over
LETTER 2
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket, and ran out of the church down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
There have been variations of this but still funny.
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over
LETTER 2
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket, and ran out of the church down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
To My mature friends
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
*****************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back:
'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
*****************************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
*******************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
********************************************
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
***************
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.
You don't stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
*****************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back:
'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
*****************************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
*******************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
********************************************
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
***************
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
Oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . . I think.
You don't stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Damn! I remember most of these.
Comments Made in the Year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas..'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Comments Made in the Year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas..'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Judge gives 7 year old right to decide
Detroit, MI (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
OK, I'm originally a Michigander, so I can say this.
DG
Detroit, MI (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
OK, I'm originally a Michigander, so I can say this.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh ...
OK, this is an old one, but every time I read it, it makes me laugh.
DG
The joys of having girls.
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly....and for heavens sake, use the good napkins whenever you can!
OK, this is an old one, but every time I read it, it makes me laugh.
DG
The joys of having girls.
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....
It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly....and for heavens sake, use the good napkins whenever you can!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Check out the old Westerns
This is great if your a fan of the old westerns. All the old stars are here. Great to see and trying to remember them.
DG
Those Old Westerns
http://oldfortyfives.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm
This is great if your a fan of the old westerns. All the old stars are here. Great to see and trying to remember them.
DG
Those Old Westerns
http://oldfortyfives.com/thoseoldwesterns.htm
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Your laugh for the day
Been said before but is still funny.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph,enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What
am I doing?? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.Today is Friday.If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused.? Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a
State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
Been said before but is still funny.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph,enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What
am I doing?? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.Today is Friday.If
you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused.? Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a
State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
fifty5
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2003
- Posts
- 3,619
My favourite for uncountable years...
There was an octagenarian who married a bit of young stuff...
Both sides of the family said it wouldn't work, but for year after year it seemed it did.
Then after those years, the old man thought he noticed that her 'demands' were falling off...
"She's got a lover" he thought.
So he decided to go home early from work. (Didn't I say that he was self employed, so still working?)
He got home and found her spread out on the chaise longue...
"I know what you've been doing!" he said, " and I'll find him!"
The old man doddered around the penthouse (shit - forgot to say that he lived on the umpty-fourth floor) and then got to a window and looked out.
...
So there's St. Peter sat waiting at the Pearly Gates.
Up comes the first man.
"I don't know just what you've heard down there," says the saint, "but we have everything on file. However, data processing takes time. I also need to know just how you died."
"Well," says the old man - and tells the story much as I've just told you, ending up with: " and down below I saw this man, sitting in a sports car. I rushed back to the kitchen, picked up the fridge and threw it down on him."
"The effort killed me - I died of a heart attack."
"...died of a heart attack" wrote St. Peter, then, "Well that seems to be satisfactory, sir," he said, "You can enter heaven."
Next up was another man. "I don't know" and so on, said the saint, "How did you die?"
"Bloody funny," replied the man, "took out me new sports car for a run. Stopped for a smoke. Don't believe in smoking at the wheel, dontcha know?"
"Sat there smoking and a fucking great fridge falls on me from nowhere!"
"...fucking great fridge falls on me from nowhere!" wrote the saint.
"Well, yes," he said, "that seems to be satisfactory, sir," he said, "You can enter heaven."
So up comes the third man and Peter goes through his script: "I don't know ... how you died."
Well," says the third man, "I was in this fridge..."
There was an octagenarian who married a bit of young stuff...
Both sides of the family said it wouldn't work, but for year after year it seemed it did.
Then after those years, the old man thought he noticed that her 'demands' were falling off...
"She's got a lover" he thought.
So he decided to go home early from work. (Didn't I say that he was self employed, so still working?)
He got home and found her spread out on the chaise longue...
"I know what you've been doing!" he said, " and I'll find him!"
The old man doddered around the penthouse (shit - forgot to say that he lived on the umpty-fourth floor) and then got to a window and looked out.
...
So there's St. Peter sat waiting at the Pearly Gates.
Up comes the first man.
"I don't know just what you've heard down there," says the saint, "but we have everything on file. However, data processing takes time. I also need to know just how you died."
"Well," says the old man - and tells the story much as I've just told you, ending up with: " and down below I saw this man, sitting in a sports car. I rushed back to the kitchen, picked up the fridge and threw it down on him."
"The effort killed me - I died of a heart attack."
"...died of a heart attack" wrote St. Peter, then, "Well that seems to be satisfactory, sir," he said, "You can enter heaven."
Next up was another man. "I don't know" and so on, said the saint, "How did you die?"
"Bloody funny," replied the man, "took out me new sports car for a run. Stopped for a smoke. Don't believe in smoking at the wheel, dontcha know?"
"Sat there smoking and a fucking great fridge falls on me from nowhere!"
"...fucking great fridge falls on me from nowhere!" wrote the saint.
"Well, yes," he said, "that seems to be satisfactory, sir," he said, "You can enter heaven."
So up comes the third man and Peter goes through his script: "I don't know ... how you died."
Well," says the third man, "I was in this fridge..."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Unemployment
DIESEL FITER
Sven and Ole worked for the same company and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole, "I sew the elastic on the panties; Sven just puts them over his head and says:
"Yah, diesel fitter!" (Yah, these will fit her!)
DIESEL FITER
Sven and Ole worked for the same company and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Ole, "I sew the elastic on the panties; Sven just puts them over his head and says:
"Yah, diesel fitter!" (Yah, these will fit her!)
- Status
