Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Mafia Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

[Weird Harold]

A different take on the Oil Crisis

For those of you who don't understand why we're low on oil, there is a simple explanation:

We didn't check the oil, so we didn't know we were getting low.

It's a geographical thing; The oil is in Alaska, California, coastal Louisiana, Coastal Florida, Kansa, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas, but the dipsticks are all in Washington DC.

 

[DG Hear]

The Pill For Everyone Fed-Up With The Politics On This Site

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//23849-imagepill.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Do Big Planes Have Baby Planes?

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time."

Leaving the mother to explain that!

 

[DG Hear]

Negotiation Skills

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?"

So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit, "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.

After about 15 minutes the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah," he replies, "Costs too much!"

 

[DG Hear]

Quiz Show

Master of Ceremonies: "Lady, for $50 tell me who was the first man on earth."
Lady: Adam."
M.C.: "Right! Give this lady $50. Now, for $100 tell me who was the first woman on earth."
Lady: "Eve."
M.C.: "Right! Give this lady $100. Now, for $200 tell me Eve's first words when she met Adam."
Lady: (Stuck for answer, turns to M.C. and says): "Gee, that's a hard one, isn't it?"
M.C.: "Give the lady $200."

 

[DG Hear]

Three Husbands Named Larry

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Larry!"

 

[redpaint]

Redneck 911 Phone Call



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhgAMGMRJQg

 

[redpaint]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, bloody fool you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

 

[redpaint]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.




British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.




When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.




The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.




You're going to love this..............


NASA responded with a one-line memo ------------

'Defrost the chicken.' (True Story)

 

[redpaint]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN:



- Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

- Do you suffer from Shyness?

- Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare and naked Twister.



WARNINGS:

- The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

- The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

- The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

- The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex lovers are really dying for you to call/text them at 4 in the morning.

- The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

- The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking then most people.

Wonder if Pinot Noir would work just as well????

 

[DG Hear]

Ageing Woes

AGEING WOES

Here’s to the days of my youth and splendor,
When all my bones were young and tender,
Did I say all? Well, all but one.
Now those days have gone forever,
All those days of joy and fun,
And my bones are growing rigid,
Did I say all? Well, all but one!

 

[DG Hear]

Wow!

Look at that big truck behind her!

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//23954-p719.jpg

Job Qualifications!

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//24024-p737.jpg

 

[TE999]

A blonde reads on the internet that taking milk baths will keep you looking young and beautiful.

She leaves a note for the milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

He reads it, thinks she meant 2.5 gallons, but wants to check.

So he rings the doorbell, the blonde comes to the door.

"Did you say in your note you wanted 25 or 2.5 gallons of milk?"

"Twenty five, I'm going to bathe in it and remain young and beautiful."

"Okay, do want it pasteurized?"

"No, just over my boobs, I can splash it on my eyes."

 

[TE999]

An elderly lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when she hears a horrible scream.

"My goodness, what was that."

"No problem. That's just a new arrival having holes drilled in their shoulder blades for their wings."

The lady is apprehensive, but continues the conversation.

Then there's another horrible scream.

"Mercy me, what's going on now?"

"Not to worry, just another arrival having holes drilled in their head for the halo."

"That's it. I'm going down to Hell."

"You can't do that. You've earned a place in Heaven. You go to Hell, and you'll be raped and abused."

"Maybe so, but I've already got the holes for that."

 

[DesertPirate]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac,do?
Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!

 

[DG Hear]

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac,do?
Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!

I liked that one Pirate.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

A Little Canadian Humor, Forget Rednecks. Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada .

If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada .

 

[DG Hear]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[DG Hear]

The kitchen bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

 

[DG Hear]

This Is English Language!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always men
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those
yet hat in the plural would never be hose
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him
but imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England.

Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing?
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

A house can burn up as it burns down?

You fill in a form by filling it out?

An alarm goes off by going on?

KEEP SMILING ... ... ...

 

[redpaint]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a
few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she
was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No,"
he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell
was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yank! ed down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[redpaint]

Top 10 Bumper Stickers

These are the top 17 bumper stickers that everyone wants to see...

Jesus loves you..but everyone else thinks you are an ass.



Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"



The proctologist called ... they found your head.



Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.



Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.



Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.



I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.



WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.



Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.



Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"



Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.



Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.



If you can read this..I can slam on my brakes and sue you.



Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.



Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.



Hang up and drive!!


And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!





Welcome to America ... now speak English

 

[redpaint]

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz(chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end !"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes !"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours !"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"

The Italian man said, " I wiped my hands on the bedspread.

 

[redpaint]

The pope was in Aberdeen on his tour of Scotland in His Popemobile which was was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English soccer jersey struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish
soccor jerseys roared into view from around the lighthouse.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into
the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two
reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then,
using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat
along with the dead shark and were preparing for a hasty retreat
when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course
the Pope - he was summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching the
shore they were greeted by His Holiness who was in raptures about
the rescue and said,

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that
there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide
Scotland and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes that
this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly
enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model
on which other nations could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that??"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "that may be but he doesn't know a damn thing
about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up?"