Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Ancient Tablet

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved across it. In order, the figures were:
Woman ~ Donkey ~ Shovel ~ Fish ~ Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the archaeologist team leader took the rocks and went on a lecture tour.
He said, "The carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time:

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people."

A little old man, sitting in the front row, finally got the attention
of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your theories sir, but you were reading the figures from left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. Correctly read, it says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman.'

 

[DG Hear]

A man and woman are in bed the night of their 25th wedding anniversary. The woman reaches over, punches the man in the arm and says, "That's for 25 years of bad sex!"

The man thinks about that for a second, reaches over and punches her in the arm and says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

 

[DG Hear]

Three times married

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white," reminds the sales assistant, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible," says the sales assistant.

"Unfortunately not," the bride explained.
"My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, god I miss him..."

 

[DG Hear]

Don't mess with older ladies

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one o f my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

 

[DG Hear]

Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and damage the status of the family, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry! I'm dating Susan!'



Church

After a church service, a man stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'm telling you, you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damn good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel was in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' the boy exclaimed. 'Are those all for me?'

'Take two,' Brenda replied, 'The rest are for your dad.'

 

[DG Hear]

The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realize d what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more. Expect less

NOW ...........
Enough of that . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

[kimbalee]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Gosh sakes, DG, I'm getting damn close to "mature." How did that happen???

 

[DG Hear]

Somewhat political???

You have to check this out...another JIB JAB

Subject: Campaigning -- Hilarious

www.peteyandpetunia.com/VoteHere/VoteHere.htm ​

 

[redpaint]

Retire At The Holiday Inn!




As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes.
Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.
With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.
Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.
Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.
After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.
Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7. Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!

 

[redpaint]

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
> > > >
> > > > They include:
> > > >
> > > > Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
> > > >
> > > > Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
> > > >
> > > > The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
> > > >
> > > > Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
> > > >
> > > > Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
> > > >
> > > > Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
> > > >
> > > > Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
> > > >
> > > > The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
> > > >
> > > > Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
> > > >
> > > > Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
> > > >
> > > > Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
> > > >
> > > > The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
> > > >
> > > > Abba--- Denture Queen.
> > > >
> > > > Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
> > > >
> > > > Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
> > > >
> > > > Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
> > > >
> > > > And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

 

[redpaint]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.



Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their Uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.



After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, nope, not yet Bubble."



So they row a little farther.... again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think were out far enough now?" Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."



So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.



Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

 

[redpaint]

The Laws of Ultimate Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Cole's Law

Finely shredded cabbage.

 

[redpaint]

Buck's Pan Fried Steak
ONE T-BONE STEAK
ENOUGH GREASE TO LUBE A SMALL CAR
SMALL CAST IRON SKILLET

Ask your wife where the skillet is. Ask your wife where the Crisco is. Ask your wife where a fork is.

Turn up heat under skillet as high as it will go. While the shortening is melting, run in the living room to catch the score on the ball game. When the smoke in the kitchen gets to the doorway of the living room, it's time to go put the steak in the skillet.

Try to knock several jars of spices out onto the counter-top while you are looking for the pepper. Pepper the steak....if you can still see it through the smoke. Place steak in skillet and run over to the sink to run cold water on your hand where you touched the skillet (which is by now so hot it is glowing red).

By this time the steak should be seared on one side, so turn it over. Run back into the living room to check score (try not to hurt yourself by sliding down in the grease on the floor. When wife screams at you that the neighbors have called the fire department, your steak is done. Serve this with 2 pieces of bread, a large enough onion to cause your wife to sit 3 pews back from you in church the next morning...and ketchup (optional). Make certain to leave the remains of the onion in the kitchen trash can, so that while your wife slides around the kitchen trying to clean all this up, she can enjoy the aroma therapy from the meal you just prepared.

After eating, try to fall asleep on the couch as soon as possible, in order to give the little woman the privacy she needs in the kitchen to pray through to victory over her temper. After faking loud snoring while peeking out of one eye at the television,(about 2 hours).....when the kitchen door slams shut and the car screams out of the driveway; quickly run and check the refrigerator to see what's for dessert, making certain it requires several dishes to eat it. Leave dishes in freshly scrubbed sink.

 

[redpaint]

You Might Be A "High-Tech Redneck" If:
Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

The bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

Your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"

Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

You ever referred to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

Your screensaver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

You start all your e-mails with "Howdy y'all"

 

[DG Hear]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were watching TV when a character

on a show told a girl that what she said made him “HAPPY

and SAD at the same time.”



The husband turned to his wife and jokingly asked....

“Honey, is there anything you can tell me that will make

ME happy and sad at the same time?”



“Hmmm...” she said and thought about it. Then she had

an answer ... “You have the biggest d*ck of all your friends.”

 

[DesertPirate]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Gosh sakes, DG, I'm getting damn close to "mature." How did that happen???

You don't want to be a MILF?

 

[TE999]

The North and The South

The North has Bloomingdale's.
The South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses.
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services.
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives.
The South has Lee Press-On Nails.

The North has double last names.
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races.
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat.
The South has grits.

The North has green salads.
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters.
The South has crawfish.

The North has the Rust Belt.
The South has the Bible Belt.

The North has retirees that move South.
The South is tired of hearing how it's better up North.

 

[DesertPirate]

The difference between Yankees and Damn Yankees.

Yankees come South and visit, do the tourist thing and go home.

Damn Yankees come South and stay!

 

[redpaint]

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.



Dr. Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'



So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Crown, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

 

[redpaint]

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind
of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the
eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the
second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the
youngest daughter.

 

[redpaint]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's
really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-
made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge
off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to
the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and
apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry?
That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

 

[redpaint]

"We need to laugh more and seek stress reducing humor in our everyday lives. Laughter is the human gift for coping and for survival. Laughter ringing, laughter pealing, laughter roaring, laughter bubbling. Chuckling. Giggling. Snickering. Snorting. These are the sounds of soul saving laughter which springs from our emotional core and helps us feel better, see things more clearly, and creatively weigh and use our options. Laughter helps us roll with the punches that inevitably come our way. The power of laughter is unleashed every time we laugh. In today's stressful world, we need to laugh much more."

(Laughter Therapist, Enda Junkins, LCSW, LMFT, BCD)

 

[redpaint]

JOB HISTORY...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef...figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

[TE999]

An Instruction Manual for Northerner's Moving South

1) In the South, if you run your car in a ditch, don't call AAA. Four men in an enormous four wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain and a winch will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

2) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

3) Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.

4) Get used to hearing "Y'all ain't from 'round heah ah ya?"

5) Save all your bacon grease. You'll be instructed later in how to use it.

6) Don't be worried about not understanding what folks are saying. They can't understand you either.

7) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

8) The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective 'big 'ol', as in 'big 'ol truck' or 'big ol' boy'. Most Northerners begin their Northern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

9) Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense in court down here.

10) If you hear a Southerner say "Hey ya'll hold my beer and watch this" you should stay out of the way. These may very well be his last words.

11) If there is even the remotest chance of any form of snowfall whatsoever, your immediate presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Buy milk and bread just to be on the safe side.

12) Do not be surprised if 10 year old boys and girls own their own shotguns. They are proficient marksmen and their momma's taught them how to shoot.

13) In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

14) Remember: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call them biscuits.

15) Keep the above in mind and I reckon yur life will turn inta a country song 'fore you know it.

 

[DG Hear]

A women's lament...

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto theTOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered
seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any,
even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spi t and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!) It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!