Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

 

[redpaint]

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
so he went to the
doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
sex, to stick his
finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
smell would cause his
hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
decided to make his
move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
in her pussy, and then
rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
to stiffen. Amazed, he
decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
in her pussy, then
rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
erect. He decided to
try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
around under his nose.
Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
"Honey, quick
turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
with his dick standing
tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
said, "Looks like the
worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"

 

[DG Hear]

Received these from my Kentucky relatives

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN KENTUCKY

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Kentucky .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky , plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.
'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
DJeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.
You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.'
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . .for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . .if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).
EVERYONE can't be an Kentuckian; it takestalent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

 

[DG Hear]

Golf

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

 

[redpaint]

LOve the one about KENTUCKY. I live so cloe to know these is true

 

[DG Hear]

How Cum U Cum....

HOW CUM U CUM....

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I cum and one named No cum. No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu.

For velly obvious reason No cum and No cum tu not have any children.

One day, no cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu.

That night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This make both velly happy.

However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum.

Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came! Cum again?

 

[DG Hear]

Sign Language

I like some of these older jokes, as well as the new ones.
DG

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it.

He yells up to his wife, "Where's the rake?"

She replies by nodding her head like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubs her crotch.

The husband doesn’t understand. After a few repetitions he runs up stairs and says, "What did you say?"

She says, "I left it behind the bush."

 

[DG Hear]

The F test

For those who have never taken it, it's quite interesting.
Count the number of F's in the following text:

-------------------

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

-----------------------

Scroll down only after you have counted them!


OK? How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!


Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

----------------------

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius


Three is normal.

How many did you count?

I managed only three. The surprising part is that it took me few minutes to locate all six of them!

Of course I am an old fart. haha

 

[redpaint]

The following ad appeared in the Automobiles For Sale classified in the local newspaper:



For Sale or Trade: Slightly Used Wife



Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.



Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.



Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.



Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a failed effort at camouflaging them.



Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.



Needs front-end work--Headlights are too close to the ground, and fenders are too far apart.



May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,



Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..



Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.

 

[redpaint]

A Mexican maid, Maria, asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' 'There are three reasons why I want an increase', Maria replied.

Maria: 'The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

 

[redpaint]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
…..the uncertainty of the English language

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values Stud said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did
you?


"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

----------------------------------------------



A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine.."

----------------------------------------------



"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself"
----------------------------------------------



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife
at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".

----------------------------------------------



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

----------------------------------------------



Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

----------------------------------------------



A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OKAY but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

----------------------------------------------



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care

 

[redpaint]

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his

first year medical students.

>

> Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided

to lighten the mood slightly.

>

> He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your

ass hole is doing while

>

> you're having an orgasm?'

>

> She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies'.

>

>

>

> He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class .

 

[redpaint]

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible
hand when she notices the time.

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling
up.

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and
they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass."

 

[redpaint]

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way
out?"

"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang
almost to her knees?"

"No," says Carlos.

"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so
mucho grande?"

"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.

"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing
my wife?"

 

[redpaint]

A farmer in devon, England has successfully grown a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

 

[redpaint]

Laws of the Universe, Part Two... 10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug. 15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. 16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. 19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

[redpaint]

3 People in an AirplaneOnce there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "Why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

 

[redpaint]

Army Advice 2- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you`re afraid."

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "You`ve never been lost until you`ve been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you`re on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it`s probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

 

[redpaint]

Lawyer And One-Arm ThiefA lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant`s arm to one year`s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer`s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

[redpaint]

A Bun In The OvenA four year old little boy was at the doctor`s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It`s a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then why did you eat him?"

 

[redpaint]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his Roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster Was performing.Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning He noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate he Saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the Pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.



To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the Next one.



John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.



Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.



Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

 

[DG Hear]

Pick-up lines

Some of these made me laugh. Posted them all cause you might like differnt ones than me.
DG

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming, too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy. "Would you like to dance?"

Girl. "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy.

"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead til hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi, my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Guy. "haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl. "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

51.Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

 

[carrie-on]

For those who have never taken it, it's quite interesting.
Count the number of F's in the following text:

-------------------

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

-----------------------

Scroll down only after you have counted them!


OK? How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six - no joke!


Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

----------------------

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius


Three is normal.

How many did you count?

I managed only three. The surprising part is that it took me few minutes to locate all six of them!

Of course I am an old fart. haha

I can only find 5 of them? Tell me where the 6th one is so i can be an old fart, too!!

LOL NM I just found it!!

 

[DG Hear]

I can only find 5 of them? Tell me where the 6th one is so i can be an old fart, too!!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Hope this helps,

 

[carrie-on]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck ....






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