Humor Thread

[redpaint]

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

 

[redpaint]

A Healthy LifeGrandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

 

[redpaint]

ESTATE PLANNING .......Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

[redpaint]

Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they sold out to a foreign country and are tearing apart the American dream.

Drop all your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it. We'll teach those rotten S.O.B.'s

 

[redpaint]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.

Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day.

Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.

"Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.

As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.

The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks.

I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.

I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.

Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get oral sex, too?"

"No," says the second friend. "I never did find her head."

 

[redpaint]

Click Here For Some of the Hottest Brazilian Ass Ever!!!
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

[redpaint]

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

 

[redpaint]

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

 

[redpaint]

Nineteen Things I Learned From My Dog:



Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps often and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing or pout. Run right back and make friends.
Bond with your pack.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

 

[redpaint]

Make the world your playground.


Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up.


Dragging a sock over it helps.


If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.


Nap often.


When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.


Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.








When in trouble, just purr and look cute.


Life is hard, and then you nap.


Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.


When in doubt, cop an attitude.


Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.


Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.


Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.


Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

 

[DG Hear]

To Redpaint, You have posted some really cute stuff. I thank you and I know many of the reader do also. Keep up the good work, we can all use a little humor in our life.
DG Hear

 

[DG Hear]

Tiny wish

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.

The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"

The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."

"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.

"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but goodie

Fifty year wedding anniversary.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say... should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps, "one's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"

 

[DG Hear]

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife being worried about his compulsion suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

[TE999]

When Will They Learn?

On their wedding night the new bride approached her husband and asked for $20.00 for their first sexual encounter. The husband, in an aroused state, readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love over 30 years of marriage. The husband thought it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes and other things she wanted.

She arrived home one day to find her husband at home and very drunk. He explained that his employer was downsizing and he had been fired. At the age of 59 it would be impossible for him to find another job that would pay approximately what he'd been earning so they were financially ruined.

The wife smiled and showed him a bank book that showed thirty years of steady $20.00 deposits and interest totalling nearly a million dollars. Then she showed him Certificates of Deposit issued by the bank worth over two million dollars. She had taken what she had 'charged' him for sex over thirty years, invested it and this was the result.

The husband was stunned, then he blurted out "If I had known you were doing this all these years I'd have given you all of my business."

That's when she shot him!

Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

 

[DG Hear]

Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?

2% eat.
3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
86% get up and go back home to their wives.

I think more sleep than that.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Priceless!!!

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack does not normally drink alcohol, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house, He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. What happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and then you broke it, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time - priceless.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Ice Fishing...

Ice Fishing

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verifi- cation by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 (fish), Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, he's cutting holes in the ice.'

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Every wonder where the term 'dickhead' came from?

http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/imagesdickhead.jpg

 

[rgraham666]

This is apparently true. It's certainly silly enough.

__________

A lady died this past January and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member : 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny strikes again

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...

"At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

-------------------

Little Johnny in the bedroom

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doing dad?”

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed"

Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

---------------------------

Little Johnny the Smart ass

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"

---------------------------

Little Johnny eating candy bars

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

--------------------------

Little Johnny in the shower

Mommy is taking a shower when little Johnny wanders in. He stops, wide-eyed, and stares down at her crotch.

"What's that, Mommy?" says Johnny

Mommy is embarrassed and stammers, "That's where the angel hit me with a golden axe!".

Johnny gulps and says "Jeez! Got ya right in the cunt didn't it!"

 

[kimbalee]

hahahahahahah! DG, I'm sitting here laughing my ass off. thanks for sharing.

 

[redpaint]

To Redpaint, You have posted some really cute stuff. I thank you and I know many of the reader do also. Keep up the good work, we can all use a little humor in our life.
DG Hear

I have been meaning to tell you for some time now.... OK I am slow.

But I really enjoy the jokes that you post.



I love to make people laugh no matter where I am. So I do hope someone finds at lest one joke I post funny. For me that makes my day to know I made someone smile, even for a little while.

 

[redpaint]

What Is Love?
==============
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-to
8-year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and
Deeper than anyone could have imagined.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
Toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when
His hands got arthritis too. That's love." (Rebecca - age 8 )
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
(Billy - age 4 )
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and
They go out and smell each other."
(Karl - age 5 )
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
Without making them give you any of theirs."
(Chrissy - age 6 )
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
(Terri - age 4 )
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before
Giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
(Danny - age 7)
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you
Still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like
That. They look gross when they kiss,"
(Emily - age 8)
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
Presents and listen." (Bobby - age 7)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom
You hate." (Nikka - age 6)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it
Everyday." (Noelle - age 7)
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends
Even after they know each other so well."
(Tommy - age 6)
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.
I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." (Cindy - age 8)
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me
To sleep at night." (Clare - age 6)
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
(Elaine-age 5)
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
Handsomer than Robert Redford."
(Chris - age 7)
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all
Day." (Mary Ann - age 4)
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
And has to go out and buy new ones." (Lauren - age 4)
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come
Out of you."
(Karen - age 7)
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's
Gross." (Mark - age 6)
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
(Jessica - age 8)
And the final one to melt anybody's heart: Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia
Once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four-year-old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly
Gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the
Little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and
Just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor,
The little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

 

[redpaint]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?