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Humor Thread

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it!.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already!

I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,

"Quick, open your mouth, honey, and show him."
 
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Wheres my Rolex!"
 
Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel.

Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.

One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on.

The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want.

They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.

She says, "OK, that will have to do", as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties.

She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do.

She closes the door and the kids proceed home. About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says,

"Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."
 
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
 
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman heading straight towards
his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or
pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said: 'Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular Myths about
Sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of Myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'One popular Myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when,
actually, it is men of Jewish (!!!) descent who are the best.'

'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm
sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
 
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*​

So - if you give her crap, you will receive a bucket full of shit. Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

:kiss:​
 
Weird Harold said:
DG, is there aproblem with your photobucket account -- see attachment.
Click to expand...
I'm not sure? I posted them on photobucket and then on Lit. I went back and took them out of Photo bucket and I guess that erased them. Shit! I'll have to see what I can do. They were some cute jokes. Maybe I can't delete them ? Sorry for the mess-up everyone.:mad::mad::mad:
 
DG Hear said:
I'm not sure? I posted them on photobucket and then on Lit. I went back and took them out of Photo bucket and I guess that erased them. Shit! I'll have to see what I can do. They were some cute jokes. Maybe I can't delete them ? Sorry for the mess-up everyone.:mad::mad::mad:
Click to expand...

Live and learn, we will survive :D
If this is the biggest peoblem of the week it will be a good week :D
 
Damn! I hope I write better than I post. My posting really sucks. I should pass this thread to someone who can do it and try writing another story.
DG:confused::confused::confused:
 
Ten things a chimney fire can teach you...

* this is my own humor, from recent happenings in my life...:rolleyes::eek:

Ten things you (can) learn from a chimney fire...

1. When you walk into your little girls closet and see bright orange, gently flaming coals piled up threatening to spill out the access door of the chimney, everything you have learned about staying calm, collected and focused in a "situation" kinda goes all smushy and leaks (hopefully invisibly)out your gaping mouth...

2. Screaming "ANSWER THE PHONE! ANSWER THE PHONE!" into a cell phone: (a) doesnt make the person your calling answer faster (or at all), and (b) seems to upset the peoplearound you.-especially children.

3. Every one that comes to the scene will ask you the same thing,..."Hey, How's it going?"

4. After about the third person, you get sick of answering that question and lose all civility towards it.

5. When you say "chimney fire" and "they" arrive and there are not flames shooting out of every available exit point in the building, every man there will think you are a woman who is just, "losing it"....and give you "the look."

6. This will tick you off so much you actually DO, "lose it."

7. Firemen in full gear can't outrun a ticked off woman who has "lost it;" -must be the boots.

8. Your teenage son will: (a) tell you that you are losing it, (b) call all his freinds and tell THEM, you are losing it, (c) recount, numerous times throughout the rest of the day, how you lost it, AND what you looked and sounded like while you "lost it" ...and (d) never, ever, let you live it down.

9. You will remind him that it would be a fairly simple task to "make another one that looks just like him."

10. Big, Burly firemen in full gear, crouching in your little girls hot pink closet, next to a large doll house, cloistered about with frilly dresses, dollies, and girl stuff, will cause a very strong and odd urge in you to offer him a cup of tea....;)
 
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