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A Whale of a story

A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents.

She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away..... So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong.

She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen." :eek:
 
DG Hear said:
A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance. He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents.

She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean. The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away..... So the male whale swims over to her, and asks her what is wrong.

She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen." :eek:
Click to expand...

:rolleyes:
 
Two elderly gentlemen, one 80, one 87, are sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87 yo had just finished jogging and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 yo was amazed and asked where the man got all his energy.

The 87 yo said "Jewish rye bread. I eat some every day. It gives you energy and gives you great stamina with the ladies."

The 80 yo heads for the bakery and asks for Jewish rye bread.

The lady clerk puts a loaf on the counter and the man asks for five more.

"My goodness," the lady exclaims. "By the time you get to the sixth loaf it'll be hard."

"I can't believe it," the man replies. "Everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."
 
The naming of the dwarfs.

SNOW WHITE

Snow White was on the roam, and desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods, to try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking, when she saw some chimney smoke.
Then she stumbled on the cottage, and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds. And she'd just removed her pants,
when seven dwarves came marching in, with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless, and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag. But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command, "My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward, She said, "You'd better drop your pick."

So down he went onto all fours, and said, "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole, You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing, "Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said, "Don't be BASHFUL, unless you're a fucking queer."

So reluctantly he whipped it out, to prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho", as she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling. Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience, he couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard", So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough, he shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blowjob, and she took him deep quite easy.
But she just avoided brain damage, when he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!" But not sooner had he entered her, and he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard" She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement, that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her ass, and shagged her fanny raw.
The dazed Snow White then whimpered, "That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble, He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY, with that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining, But feeling rather sore,
She said, "You'll have to use your tongue, My twat can't take any more!"

And so he put his tongue to work, where others had placed their cocks,
and 'cos he made Snow White feel better, she named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much, with all that spadge inside her quim,
so she grabbed a cup, and squatted, and filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs, and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White, and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know. And that's, 'What happened to that cup', well think of what you're drinking, when you next buy 7-Up! ;)
 
Boobs

BOOBS

When fashion says, as fashion must,
That females should expose the bust,
How odd will be the sights we'll see,
Such infinite variety.

From tiny buds not yet in bloom,
To those which fill up half the room.
But first let's start off with the flats,
With ribs on view like building slats.

The teenage girls will start the craze,
By giving "half an egg" displays.
And then improving on the view,
There'll be the orange, cut in two.

So now there comes the classic type,
Round and cushioned, soft and ripe.
The perky ones deserve a line,
Pointing upwards all the time.

Upsetting to the manly sight,
One points left and one points right.
And then there's one, takes so much space,
How can the other keep it's place?

And so we come around to the flops,
Like spaniels ears, or razor strops.
The double chins, the pigeon toes,
The blusher, and the purple nose.

Then jewels pendant from the ends,
Will add to fashions topless trends.
The only common factor seen,
Will be the upright cleft between.

As long as there are two abreast,
Who is to say which sort is best.
The great advantage is, I feel,
At least we'll know that they are real.

:)
 
The Postman

A man comes into the house laughing.

"What's so funny? asks his wife.

"I overheard a conversation at the local bar. It was about our postman," replied the husband.

"What did they say?"

"The postman reckons he's screwed every woman in our apartment building except one!" He smiles at his wife.

"I bet it's that stuck up bitch Mrs Carlson up on the 4th floor," said the wife.


For anyone afraid to post a joke or humor because it might have already been posted, don't worry about it. We're here to enjoy the humor, if we read it twice or ten times, so what! Please submit what seems funny to you. I'm sure it will be funny to someone else also.
Thank you
DG Hear :D:D:D
 
The Pink Weenie

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a
park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the
middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T -shirt approached the
couple

and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no
African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal
miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.' :eek:
 
Presidential Candidates Ice Fishing
Subj: FW: Minnesota Funny:

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!'
 
Human Body Facts...

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. . .they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
Scroll down to the bottom please .......
























Still looking at your thumb, aren't you ?
 
The dead cat
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
 
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
 
Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark.

“I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women.

“Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.”
 
Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
 
Betty Crocker

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
 
Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."
 
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.
 
A man walks into a bar and orders three dry martinis.

The bartender sets 'em up and the man downs them one after the other, then orders three more.

He finishes those and the bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

"My first blow job" the man replies. "Gimme three more martinis."

"Celebratin' huh?" says the bartender, setting down the drinks.

"Nah, just tryin' to get the taste out of my mouth."
 
Three little boys can't get anyone to play games with them, so they decide it's because they've never been baptized or gone to sunday school.

They go to the nearest church, but there's no one there except the janitor.

"No one will play with us 'cause we ain't been baptized," says the oldest boy. "Can you baptize us, mister?"

The janitor grins and says "Sure, c'mon in the bathroom."

He dunks their little heads one by one in the toilet and says "There. Now you're baptized."

When they're back out on the sidewalk one says "Which religion are we now?"

"We're not Kathlik," says the oldest boy. "They pour water on you."

"We're not Baptiss," he continues. "They dunk your whole body, and were not Methdiss 'cause they sprinkle water on you."

"I know what we are," the littlest boy exclaims. "Did you smell that water? I bet we're Pisscopalians."
 
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy and dancing anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy and I'm NOT dancing!

My balls itch!
 
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