Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Redneck Men's pick up lines..

Redneck Men's pick up lines..

1) Did you fart?
Cuz you blew me away.

2) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.

3) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

4) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

5) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.



And.... The best for last!

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it
my nuts tighten up.

 

[DG Hear]

True story!!!

Three Little Pigs

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather > the building materials for his home.

She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?

'The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[DG Hear]

My wife's new boyfiends

MY FIVE NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my
time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He
doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint
to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed With Ben Gay.

What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNIE WALKER to come and keep me
company.

Now remember:

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to
laugh at yourself, and count your blessings!!!!!

 

[DesertPirate]

Truth

"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed."
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like
a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown U.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now,
wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-- Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

 

[DesertPirate]

New Nail Gun, made by Dewalt. It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4
at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn
chair and build a fence. Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence
boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, and when
they have the board in the right place just fire away. With the
hundred-nail magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of
reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire
nail gun, the wife will not ask you fix or build anything else.

Even more likely to be illegal in the Peoples Republic of Calif. -- Look
for the companion BBQ Grill.

 

[DesertPirate]

REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better
job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody
is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the
bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good
people.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if
it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt
away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of
millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be
allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give
the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed
elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit
some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't
have to hide from us over there and when they come over here, I don't
want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry
whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a
gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of
gas at 15% isn't.

Makes ya wonder how anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

 

[WearMeWell]

(hopefully this isnt a repeat...)

*curtsey....DesertPirate,... good to see you...

Lipstick Lesson

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently faced a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

 

[redpaint]

On the first day

God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span ' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service .

 

[redpaint]

DEATH DURING SEX

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "See...It HURTS, doesn't it?"

 

[redpaint]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Fuck me! Can it whistle as well?"

 

[redpaint]

Being Retired



Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Bisquit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[redpaint]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit . that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull
shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are
times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit , the right shit, the wrong
shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in
a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block
of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some
shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

 

[redpaint]

Rules To Live By Judge Judy

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need

 

[DG Hear]

Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. And this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop here!'

 

[DG Hear]

Name calling

Name calling isn't nice , but can be cute.

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/file000.jpg
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/file001.jpg
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/file002.jpg
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/file003.jpg
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/file004.jpg

 

[redpaint]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.'



The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'



This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to 'Catatonics and High Colonics.' No go.



Next, they tried 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.' Thumbs down again.



Then came 'Minds and Behinds.' Still no good.



Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.' Unacceptable again!



So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts.' Not a chance.



'Nuts and Butts?' No way.



'Freaks and Cheeks?' Still no go.



'Loons and Moons?' Forget it.



Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

'Dr. Smith And Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.'

 

[redpaint]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12 . The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Locker s - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[redpaint]

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.

She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"

A little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"

"It's a cow, teacher."

"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.

Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"

Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

 

[DG Hear]

Password

Those were some good ones Red! Made me smile, I like to smile. LOL

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "penis".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied, ***Password rejected. Not long enough***

 

[SweetWitch]

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh34/Molly_Wens/second/Viagra.jpg

 

[Corylea]

This is politics, not humor.

REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better
job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody
is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the
bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good
people.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if
it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt
away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of
millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be
allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give
the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed
elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit
some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't
have to hide from us over there and when they come over here, I don't
want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry
whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a
gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of
gas at 15% isn't.

Makes ya wonder how anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

 

[DG Hear]

Pirate & Molly

Pirate -It made me laugh. haha, see

Sweet molly, what does the female version look like? Do you put your finger in a socket and get shocked or wet? oop's, that wasn't nice.

 

[DesertPirate]

This is politics, not humor.

Quit taking life so serious, you will not survive it

 

[redpaint]

Quit taking life so serious, you will not survive it

Yip neve take life that serious. Laugh and have a good time when you can sry when needed, help those that need a hand. Take a smile and pass one on becouse Life is short and no ones gets out alive.

 

[SweetWitch]

Pirate -It made me laugh. haha, see

Sweet molly, what does the female version look like? Do you put your finger in a socket and get shocked or wet? oop's, that wasn't nice.

Don't make me come over there and show you.