Humor Thread

[redpaint]

The Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.



Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:



MOUNT & DO!



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.



This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

 

[redpaint]

The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" h is wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private p art he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM th e husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, “The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work

 

[glynndah]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/fail-owned-electric-bill-fail.jpg

 

[kimbalee]

These are supposed to have been REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[kimbalee]

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of
the following:

a Martini

a Margarita

a Glass of Chardonnay

a Gin and Tonic

a Bloody Mary

a Steak, Lobster or crab legs

The remote control

a Shot of Tequila

a bowl of ice cream

The sports page

Chocolate or Sex!!

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________
Date: __________________________


NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them
don't even need embalming when their time comes

 

[kimbalee]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So,
how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know , Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

 

[DesertPirate]

Bumpity

 

[redpaint]

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

 

[redpaint]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating
You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother,Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
Boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.''

 

[redpaint]

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

 

[redpaint]

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it
has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to
his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after
the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

 

[redpaint]

Ultimate Chainsaw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkQBWpSZyfQ

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/6ec8b49fb52c9b358c648eefdc95df93b0d.jpg

 

[SweetWitch]

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh34/Molly_Wens/second/noname.jpg

 

[rgraham666]

Here's a good one.

I love the good ol' boy, Arial Narrow.

 

[redpaint]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:



I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.



I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.



I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.



I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.



As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.



Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.



I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.



At the end of the day: The car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter. The flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.



Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....



Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


(Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!)

 

[redpaint]

A president's pension currently is $191,300 per year, until he is 80 years old.



Assuming the next president lives to age 80. Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.



Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms and would receive $4,973,800 in pension.



Therefore it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.



How's that for non partisan thinking???

 

[redpaint]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, shrugs her shoulders and says "I guess it's
to hang your pants on."

 

[rgraham666]

Bored, Tubby, Mild.

 

[redpaint]

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

 

[redpaint]

Two builders, Phil and Eric, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a welldressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: No way he's a stockbroker.

Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: Oh! What's that then?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: Er... mmm..well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: As it happens I've got a fivebedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a fivebedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: Me? Never.

Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: What's that then?

Phil: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: Nope.

Phil: Well then, you're a wanker.

 

[redpaint]

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for 65 years. Tthough they were far from rich they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

though not young, they were both in good health, largely due to the wifes insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn`t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and st Peter escourted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansio, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. a maid was hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.they gasped in astonishment,when he said welcome to heaven this will be your home now. `how much is it going to cost?` asked the old man `why nothing` peter replied this is your reward in heaven.

The old man looked out of the window and right there he saw a championship golf course finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.`what are the green fees?` grumbled the old man

`this is heaven`st peter replied you can play for free everyday`

they went into the club house and found a lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them. from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts and freely flowing beverages.

`don`t even ask said st peter to the man this is heaven it is all free for you to enjoy.

The old man looked around and glanced at his wife well! where are the low fat and low cholesteral foods? and the decaffenated teas? he asked `thats the best part `st peter replied `you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

The old man glared at his wife and said `you and your bran muffins. we could have been here ten years ago!

 

[redpaint]

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

 

[redpaint]

By INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY



No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought. Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead.



The citizenry and Congress are often ambivalent or largely opposed to any given war. It's up to our leader to convince them. That's why we call the leader 'Commander in Chief.' George W.'s war was no different. There was lots of resistance to it. Many in Congress were vehemently against the idea.



The Commander in Chief had to lobby for legislative approval. Along with supporters, George W. used the force of his convictions, the power of his title and every ounce of moral suasion he could muster to rally support.



He had to assure Congress and the public that the war was morally justified, winnable and affordable. Congress eventually came around and voted overwhelmingly to wage war.



George W. then lobbied foreign governments for support. But in the end, only one European nation helped us. The rest of the world sat on its hands and watched.



After a few quick victories, things started to go bad. There were many dark days when all the news was discouraging. Casualties began to mount. It became obvious that our forces were too small. Congress began to drag its feet about funding the effort.



Many who had voted to support the war just a few years earlier were beginning to speak against it and accuse the Commander in Chief of misleading them. Many critics began to call him incompetent, an idiot and even a liar.



Journalists joined the negative chorus with a vengeance. As the war entered its fourth year, the public began to grow weary of the conflict and the casualties. George W.'s popularity plummeted.



Yet through it all, he stood firm, supporting the troops and endorsing the struggle. Without his unwavering support, the war would have surely ended, then and there, in overwhelming and total defeat.



At this darkest of times, he began to make some changes. More troops were added and trained. Some advisers were shuffled, and new generals installed. Then, unexpectedly and gradually, things began to improve.



Now it was the enemy that appeared to be growing weary of the lengthy conflict and losing support. Victories began to come, and hope returned.



Many critics in Congress and the press said the improvements were just George W.'s good luck. The progress, they said, would be temporary. He knew, however, that in warfare good fortune counts.



Then, in the unlikeliest of circumstances and perhaps the most historic example of military luck, the enemy blundered and was resoundingly defeated. After six long years of war, the Commander in Chief basked in a most hard-fought victory.



So on that historic day, Oct. 19, 1781, in a place called Yorktown, a satisfied George Washington sat upon his beautiful white horse and accepted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis, effectively ending the Revolutionary War.



What? Were you thinking of someone else?

 

[redpaint]

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for the government.