Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

 

[redpaint]

The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.'1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! ‘Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

[redpaint]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?



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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?




Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

 

[DesertPirate]

Good stuff Redpaint

 

[redpaint]

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,
picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that
if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one.'

 

[redpaint]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. " The next night he came home from work and yelled " BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied " YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/01122316e8225d6d963968f7582342845a2.jpg

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/d65f8f6fded5d7c4213564e5c88cad57977.jpg

 

[redpaint]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[redpaint]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute.

 

[redpaint]

Nookie Green

>>> An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic
>>> Church "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had
>>> relations with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest tells the
>>> sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon
>>> after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
>>> two months since my last confession. I've had relations with Nookie
>>> Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest
>>> questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood,"
>>> the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten
>>> Hail Mary's." At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to
>>> deliver his sermon , A tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman
>>> enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her
>>> as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
>>> priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
>>> green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
>>> green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The
>>> priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
>>> The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I
>>> think it's just the reflection off her
>>> shoes............................"

 

[Svenskaflicka]

It was sir Gawain, not Lancelot, but it's a good story nevertheless. It's written down in Robin Hood - it's THAT old!

 

[redpaint]

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

 

[redpaint]

It was sir Gawain, not Lancelot, but it's a good story nevertheless. It's written down in Robin Hood - it's THAT old!

Sorry, I didn't write it. It was sent to me, so I just copied and pasted it here. That old?

 

[DG Hear]

Taking Offence

Taking Offence

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya".

The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood.

The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up.

"HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENCE TO THAT!"

The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?"

The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

 

[_Lynn_]

Taking Offence

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya".

The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood.

The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up.

"HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENCE TO THAT!"

The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?"

The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

Welcome back, DG

 

[DG Hear]

Veterinarian Identification

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the
look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated
ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my blonde talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they
had to be baptized."

 

[DG Hear]

Welcome back, DG

Thank you Missy Lynn. Went down to Texas for a week. Never been there. I thought about Techsan and how he visited his family in Texas a month before he died. Thanks for the welcome back.
DG (rose should have been yellow) haha

 

[DG Hear]

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

[DG Hear]

McChuckles

No matter what the husband does in bed, his wife never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have ! the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:

"'You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel.

 

[DG Hear]

Bar bet

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well--you pay $10 and if you pass three tests you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are
the three tests?'

'You must pay first......those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and
the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have
to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....you
have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't
do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all
those other things.'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down n both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face--and he did it
in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to
a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and
screaming sounds. . .then nothing but silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's
bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions and don't trust
your judgment when alcohol is involved!

 

[redpaint]

Good to see ya back DG. Hope you had a good time down in Texas.

 

[redpaint]

IMPORTANT NEWS
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Good to see ya back DG. Hope you had a good time down in Texas.

...and thank you Red for help keeping our thread alive.
It's much appreciated.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A Poem That Gives You Goosebumps...

This is just a damn good read!!! (A poem)
DG Hear

Highway 109

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
'And blood was everywhere,'
'The sirens screamed out eulogies,'
For death was in the air.

'A mother, trapped inside her car,'
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'

She fought to loose her pinned hands;
'She struggled to get free,'
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
'On where the back seat once had been,'
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
'She did not hear them cry, '
'And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, '
'Oh, God, don't let them die! '

Then firemen came and cut her loose, '
'But when they searched the back, '
'They found therein no little boys, '
But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
'And was traveling alone, '
'But when they turned to question her, '
They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
'In beseeching supplication, '
Please help me find my boys!

They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
'Their jeans are blue to match.''
'One cop spoke up, ''They're in my car, '
And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there
'And gave them each a cone, '
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.

'I've searched the area high and low, '
But I can't find their dad.
'He must have fled the scene, '
'I guess, and that is very bad.'

'The mother hugged the twins and said, '
'While wiping at a tear, '
'He could not flee the scene, you see, '
'For he's been dead a year.'

'The cop just looked confused and asked, '
'Now, how can that be true? '
'The boys said, ''Mommy, Daddy came '
'And left a kiss for you.'' '

He told us not to worry
'And that you would be all right, '
And then he put us in this car with
'The pretty, flashing light. '

'We wanted him to stay with us, '
'Because we miss him so, '
'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight '
And said he had to go.

He said someday we'd understand
'And told us not to fuss, '
'And he said to tell you, Mommy, '
'He's watching over us.'

The mother knew without a doubt
'That what they spoke was true, '
'For she recalled their dad's last words, '
'I will watch over you.'

The firemen's notes could not explain
'The twisted, mangled car, '
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.

'But on the cop's report was scribed, '
'In print so very fine, '
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.