Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Phone call

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg

'Hello?''Hi honey.This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?''

No, Daddy.She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.'

Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.''

"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."

''And what happened, honey?

''Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!''

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?''

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week so you could paint the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

*****Long Pause**********

Longer Pause**********Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy thinks, 'Swimming pool?........
"Is this 486-5731?"

No, I think you have the wrong number.......

 

[redpaint]

BUBBA DIED ?

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'? The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes!' What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.' ?

 

[redpaint]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby. "The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie". Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "'cause he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses"

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/03cefd8634b875f40917f6b11c7080b5ffb.jpg

 

[redpaint]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/willow47501/a0d281acd5216537fc6c4d6471fea9a3a4a.jpg

 

[redpaint]

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was.

'Wife Name- Three Horse.'


That's an unusual name. What does it mean?

It's an old Indian name meaning

nag nag nag

 

[redpaint]

warning for men​

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

[DG Hear]

What makes your wife go wild?

A few guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.

One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!"

 

[rgraham666]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:












Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[redpaint]

Thoughts from across the pond.

An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:



'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.



On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.



Now...on the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a Beer distributorship.



What in Lord's name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies?

 

[redpaint]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

 

[redpaint]

Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."

 

[redpaint]

For Cat Lovers!​

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!

 

[redpaint]

Dog Rules​

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

 

[redpaint]

Gettin' Even


There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the
girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy
replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making it with Amber. So that's the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease, and he's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog!'

 

[agedmac]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:












Always keep your condoms in your car.

PERFECT!!!!!!!! LOL

 

[agedmac]

The Miniskirt....

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked
out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight
leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the first step on
the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver she reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to
discover she still couldn't! So, a little more
embarrassed she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time
attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
she could not raise her leg because of the tight
skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she
again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little
more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her
in the line picked her up easily from the waist and
placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be
hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

 

[agedmac]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy....... if you explain the kids."

 

[agedmac]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and again shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?

"The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze..... I'm embarrassed to even say it...But,.. I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed himself, but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Black Pepper."

 

[agedmac]

Why The Internet Is Like a Penis

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.
* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.
* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just
do the same damn dumb things it did before.
* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard
to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and
influence warrant.
* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do
that?"
* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

 

[DG Hear]

Woomba

Female hygene protection.

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/SNL/woomba.html

 

[DG Hear]

Girls night out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports

and play on the internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing

she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo,

which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....


But ... Wait a minute....


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/cid_643E45A0ECDB41A1AEA2159CA4A97F9.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Doctor Visit

I was sitting there depressed when my friend Rob came bay.

"Why so Glum, Ray?"

"I went to the doctors today and he said I had to give up sex or I would be dead by next week."

"How would he know such a thing."

"I'm sleeping with his wife," replied Ray.

 

[DG Hear]

The Braggered

John is always bragging about himself. How he always has the best of everything. Lucille was listening to him one day and was fed up with his talk.

John said, "Do you know what Lucille? I have a twelve inch cock."

Lucille looks at John and says, "Now that's hard to swallow."

 

[DG Hear]

Ducks In Heaven !!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.