Humor Thread

[TE999]

Bumper Snickers

How many of these have you seen?

Bad cop. No donut.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

My (dog breed's name here) is smarter than your Honor Student.

Support mental health like crazy.

Frodo Lives!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive!

Forget world peace...visualize your turn signal.

Conciousness: That annoying period between naps.

I are illitarate and I vote.

So many cats...so few recipes.

There is no such thing as a dumb blonde. (Upside down on the bumper)

Jesus is coming...everyone look busy.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Stop tailgaiting me or I'll flick a booger on your windshield.

Out of my mind...Back in ten minutes.

Vegetarian: Indian word for 'Lousy Hunter'.

I'm out of Valium and I have a gun.

Please don't make me kill you!

I am turning left...eventually.

Meandering to a different drummer.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Don't piss me off...I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Squirrels: Nature's little speed bumps.

You are depriving a village of it's idiot.

You're not paranoid. They are out to get you.

Visualize world peas.

Why am I the only person on Earth that knows how to drive?

Save a tree. Eat a beaver.

Don't like my driving? Then don't watch me.

I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you. (on a ginormous motor home)

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

How's my driving? Dial 1-800- EATSHIT

Warning! I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Insured by Smith and Wesson.

Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Illiterate? Write for help.

My other car is a piece of crap.

The world is your oyster...so eat it.

 

[DG Hear]

Ladies and gentlemen, ANOTHER joke insinuating that black people are criminal and lazy.

Not only are you not funny, but you'er also offensive. It has nothing to do with being politically correct - DG Hear, are you reading this too? - it has to do with being smart enough not to write racistic or sexistic shit.

You two morons can go ahead and turn this thread into your own little Jackass Thread. I'm out of here, and you two are on Ignore.

Thank you for your kind words. Of course you won't see this since you put us on ignore.

I should be honest with you. You won't ber missed. I'm sure someone else will take your place and tell us what horrible people we are. Thanks for commenting on our thread.

 

[epiphany65]

Thank you for your kind words. Of course you won't see this since you put us on ignore.

I don't think that you or redpaint are morons, but humor shouldn't offend. it would be nice if this thread had some standards about being funny without being offensive.

 

[DG Hear]

I don't think that you or redpaint are morons, but humor shouldn't offend. it would be nice if this thread had some standards about being funny without being offensive.

Look, there's no way to enforce a thread. Someone sends shit, they send shit. All anyone can do is ignore the joke/humor or ignore the thread. I got tired of them dumping on Sarah Palin, I like the gal. I can scream all day and tell everyone that they make me mad or I can just ignore the thread, which I usually do.

I guess it's all freedom of speech. The writer has a choice to post what they want and the reader to read what they choose.
Thanks for commenting.
DG Hear

 

[DG Hear]

Homicide at Wal Mart

GROANER ALERT!!!!!!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared ..


(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES
2 for a $1.00
AT WAL-MART!'

 

[DG Hear]

WARNING!

GRAPHIC PHOTO


THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE ​

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/boat.jpg

 

[redpaint]

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

 

[redpaint]

The Devil

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[redpaint]

Retirement

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest

 

[redpaint]

The Doctor

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'

 

[redpaint]

Clone

I asked around to find some more information on human cloning, and was shocked to find a do-it-yourself kit. I opened the box and there was one page of instructions. Actually, just one instruction: "Go fuck yourself."

 

[redpaint]

1.If you think Obama's the most liberal member of the senate you...may be a racist.

2.If you object to Obama raising your payroll, capital gains and estate taxes you...may be a racist.

3.If you'd prefer a president have at least some foreign policy experience you...may be a racist.

4. If you're in favor of drilling for oil and building nuclear power plants you...may be a racist.

5. If you think "Vero Possemus" is Latin for "Massive Ego" you... may be a racist.

6. If you wonder why Obama was hanging around William Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn you...may be a racist.

7. If your pastor is nothing like Rev. Wright or Father Pfleger you... may be a racist.

8.If you don't want the majority of justices on the Supreme Court to be like Stephen Breyer you...may be a racist.

9. If you're not impressed with Obama's 100% NARAL rating you...may be a racist.

10. If you're not sure whether Obama opposed or supported FISA reauthorization you...may be a racist.

 

[redpaint]

McCain versus Obama Jokes

If John McCain is elected President of the United States then the French will immediately surrender to us. If Barack Obama is elected President then the French will immediately invade us.

Here an interesting fact: If you add John McCain's age and Barack Obama's age together you'll get the number of times Obama usually says "uh" when answering a question.

The age disparity between the two candidates in the upcoming election is significant. John McCain is 71 years old. By contrast, Barack Obama is 322 years old in dog years.

Q. Why did John McCain cross the road?
A. There was an Old Town Buffet on the other side.
Q, Why did Barack Obama cross the road?
A. To help the other side.

After Barack Obama claimed to have campaigned in 57 states, John McCain should have sent him the name of a good Alzheimer’s specialist.

John McCain rolled up his sleeves and went offshore in the Gulf of Mexico looking for oil for American drivers. Barack Obama responded by going to the shores of Hawaii, taking off his shirt and oiling up his torso for American soccer moms.

Barack Obama's camp claims that John McCain was cheating in their first forum appearance because he actually gave straight answers to the questions. Politicians aren't supposed to do that.

Any candidate that John McCain picks to be his vice president will necessarily be a younger candidate than he is. Any candidate Barack Obama picks to be his vice president will necessarily be better candidate than he is.

It's a hard election for conservatives this year. They'll have to hold their noses tight in order to cast a vote for John McCain. But they'll have to hold on even tighter to their wallets if Obama gets elected.

The sad fact is that if John McCain is elected President he might not last another four more years. A sadder fact is that if Barack Obama is elected President then America might not last another four more years.

 

[redpaint]

The difference

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

 

[redpaint]

erection

A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section.
The lady there asks if she might help him.
He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist.
The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds."
The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?"
The woman says, "How long has it been that way?"
The man responds, "Almost three days."
The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes.
The man asks, "What did you decide?"
She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."

 

[redpaint]

According to the U.S. Census Bureau

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing.

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely fucker is reading this.


You hang in there, Sunshine !!!

 

[redpaint]

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

 

[rgraham666]

Connie and Amy, best friends, are out one night for a girls night out. On the way home they both need to use the bathroom, desperately. Amy grabs Connie's hand and drags her into the woods near the cemetary.

"No one can see us from the street, we can just go here," Amy said.
"But what about toilet paper?"
"I am just going to use my panties and leave them here," Amy said.
"But, these are $45 black lace panties," Connie said, "I just can't leave them."
"Well, you better figure some thing out. We were supposed to be home 30 minutes ago."

Connie see a ribbon that has blown off a floral arrangement. She uses that, and they hurry home.

The next morning Amy's husband calls Connie's husband.
"I'm concerned that the girls might be drinking too much when they go out."
"I was thinking the same thing."
"Amy didn't have any panties on this morning."
"You think that's bad, Connie had a red ribbon on hers with a card that said, Thanks for the memories, we will never forget you. Signed Firehouse 21."

 

[redpaint]

Connie and Amy, best friends, are out one night for a girls night out. On the way home they both need to use the bathroom, desperately. Amy grabs Connie's hand and drags her into the woods near the cemetary.

"No one can see us from the street, we can just go here," Amy said.
"But what about toilet paper?"
"I am just going to use my panties and leave them here," Amy said.
"But, these are $45 black lace panties," Connie said, "I just can't leave them."
"Well, you better figure some thing out. We were supposed to be home 30 minutes ago."

Connie see a ribbon that has blown off a floral arrangement. She uses that, and they hurry home.

The next morning Amy's husband calls Connie's husband.
"I'm concerned that the girls might be drinking too much when they go out."
"I was thinking the same thing."
"Amy didn't have any panties on this morning."
"You think that's bad, Connie had a red ribbon on hers with a card that said, Thanks for the memories, we will never forget you. Signed Firehouse 21."

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/19.gif Love it.

 

[DG Hear]

Hey Red and Rob! That was some really cool jokes/humor. Made me laugh, I like to laugh. If someone doesn't like the jokes, they won't be forced to read them.
Thank you
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Who you callin' colored?

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......so funny but true.....what a
great sense of humor!

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you grey.

So who you callin' colored?

 

[DG Hear]

Just a Thought!

A lady walked into a bar, there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, “Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what’s yours?”

The woman replied, “June.”

She went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat smiling.

June was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully asked, “Why are you smiling at me like that?”

Jim answered, “Well, just imagine six inches of snow in June!”

 

[Weird Harold]

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......so funny but true.....what a
great sense of humor!

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you grey.

So who you callin' colored?

Nostalgia time! I don't know that it canbve attributed to any particular person, but I first herd it almost exactly 40 years ago from a black class mate at technical training school at Lowry AFB, CO.

Although he and most other African Americn's I've herad it from over the years add that the definition of Black is "the absence of color."

 

[pt22]

Why do women have their clitoris' pierced?

So Men can find it.

 

[TE999]

People think you're clueless when:

You think Peter Pan is a wash basin in a whorehouse.

You think Moby Dick and Grape Nuts are venereal diseases.

(To be continued)