Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant
* I finished the Oreo's.

* Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

* Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

* I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

* Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

* Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

* Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

* I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

* Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

* Get your *own* ice cream.

* Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

* Got milk?

* Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

* Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

* Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

* Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

* Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

* You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...

 

[redpaint]

Eternal Truths
1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 

7. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

8. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

9. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 

13. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

[redpaint]

Your next investment opportunity!

Your Urgent Help Needed



Dear American:



I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.



I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.



I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.



This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.



Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.



Yours Faithfully



Minister of Treasury Paulson



Agent for G.W. Bush Inc.

 

[redpaint]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred" he replies

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

" Just Fred". the man Responds.

The officer being in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you loose your last name?"

The biker replies, " It's a long story so stay with me." I was born Fred Dingaling. I know --a funny name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard got good grades.When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through College, Medical Shool, Internship, Residency, and finnaly got my degree, So I was Fred Dingaling M.D. After a while I got bored being a doctor , so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling M.D. DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, So now I am Fred Dingaling M.D. DDS with VD. Well the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling M.D. with VD. Then The AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD so they took away my M.D , Leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD, then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I am " Just Fred"

The officer walked away in tears and laughing....

 

[DG Hear]

Colonoscopy

This is from Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

[DG Hear]

The following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You kn ow, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
head is not up there?'

 

[DG Hear]

Southern Thinking

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% , how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

'Everything but my earrings.'

**********************************************************

Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call ,' nodded the hunter.

'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

**********************************************************

LouisianaA senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

**********************************************************
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?
'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

**********************************************************
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

**********************************************************
Arkansas
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'

**********************************************************

And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving up North ...

 

[TE999]

Investment Tips for Troubled Times

For all of you with any money left, be aware of these next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make the big bucks.

1) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, The Fuller Brush Co. and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Saltines will merge to become Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3) 3M Co. will merge with Goodyear Tire and Rubber to become MMMGood.

4) Zippo Lighters, Audi Motors, Dofasco Inc. and Dakota Mining will merge and become Zip, Audi, Do, Da.

5) FedEx and UPS will merge and become FedUP.

6) Fairchild Industries and Honeywell Electronics will merge and become FairWell HoneyChild.

7) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

8) Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women will merge and become KnottNOW.

9) Victoria's Secret and Smith and Wesson Firearms will merge and become TittyTittyBangBang.

10) ITT, Allstate Insurance, On-Star, Depends Underwear and Universal Pictures will merge to form IT All Depends On U.

 

[DG Hear]

The Year 1908

The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :

************ ********* ********* ******

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
Of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower

The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A !

Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
It myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A
Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

School Answering Machine

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message: ​

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:


To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!


If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

 

[redpaint]

New Virus​

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject
line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

 

[redpaint]

It was that time, during the Sunday morning services, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come foward.



One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,



"That's a pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"



The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,



"Yes! And my Mommy says it's a B*tch to iron."

 

[redpaint]

Also known as 'Women's Intuition' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?



In the early 80's researchers dicovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemisphere than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly unconnectable pieces.



That, and they go through your wallet while your in the shower!

 

[redpaint]

A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sits down next him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice. The man turned to her and said,



"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."



"What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking their glasses together, "What are you celebrating?" she asked.



"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."



"What a coincidence," she said. "For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.



"Oh, I switched cocks." he replied.



"What a coincidence. . . . . . ." she said.

 

[redpaint]

THE YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY DURING SEX

* Is it in yet?

* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?

* Do I have to pay for this?

* You look better in the dark.



* I think that goes in the other hole. . .

* Hey! My mom has that same bra. . .

* I hope you don't expect a raise for this. . .

* Hurry up, the game is about to start.



* ZzZzZz

* Are you trying to be funny?

* Can I have a ride home after this?

* Are those real?



* Is that smell coming from you?

* Haven't you ever done this before?

* Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

* You're so much like your sister. . . .



* Your mom is really cute.

* What's your name again?

* Do I have to be here in the morning?

* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!



* But you just started!

* Don't touch that!

* Smile for the camera, honey!

* Get your hand out of there!



* I knew you wore a padded bra!

* Cover me boys, I'm going in!

* Hold on, let me change the channel. . . .

* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.



* Hurry up, the motor's running.

* Stop breathing. . .you're fogging up the windshield.

* Stop interrupting me!

* It's oaky, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.



* God, I wish you were a real woman.

* Why can't you ever shave your legs?

* How much I owe you?

* How come we each have a wee wee.



* Just use your finger, its bigger.

* Does your family have to watch?

* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

* Get off me, I'll do it myself!



* Can you hold this sandwich for me?

* Watch. . .my mom taught me this. . .

* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!

* Should I ask why you're bleeding?



* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!

* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?

* Is it oaky if I tell my friends about this?

* I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!



* You wanted me to use a condom?

* Fire in the hole!

* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.

* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?



* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.

* You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?

* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart.

 

[redpaint]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave . The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife.. "Yes!" he replied. "She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

 

[redpaint]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on..



The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'



The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'



The third surgeon, from Houston , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.



The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'



But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

 

[redpaint]

Tinkle Tinkle


A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

 

[redpaint]

HE TOTAL IDIOT'S GUIDE TO INTERNET Success...

Let's begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Oaky, I found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month." Is this good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915. 45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that my mother has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with your sort of memory disorder make the best targ. . . uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: It sounds a little fishy?

A: The ends justify the means. you are offering people substantial saving on long distance. it's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get a new business?

A: Spam, Spam, Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad?

A: No. Spam is good. Anybody who says it's bad is just jealous, because their brains are too smell?

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get - quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen - like non - attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

-- Join every free bannerexchange.

-- Get your own free-for-all links page.

-- Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the little.

-- Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines.

-- Hire a bulk emailer.

-- Sponsor a golf tournment.

Q: Oaky, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to it's knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earning?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earning.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

[redpaint]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the
senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'The other day I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What
happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

'That day we were campaigning...

 

[redpaint]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her.
Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

 

[redpaint]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
>
> Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her
>
> husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband,
>
> protested, but she argued and s aid she was going to take
>
> some aspirin and go to bed and there
>
> was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

>
> So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
>
> soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
>
> early,
>
> decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her
>
> costume was,
>
> she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
>
> he acted when she was not with him.

>
> So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
>
> costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
>
> 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
> there.

> His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
>
> left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

>
> She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
>
> husband.

>
> After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
>
> her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
>
> passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at
>
> midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
>
> was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
>
> he had.

>
> 'Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when you're
>
> not there.
' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
>
> He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I
>
> got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
>
> the spare room and played poker all evening.
'
>
> 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
>
> poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the
>
> husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he
>
> had the time of his life.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President

Ladies and gentlemen, ANOTHER joke insinuating that black people are criminal and lazy.

Not only are you not funny, but you'er also offensive. It has nothing to do with being politically correct - DG Hear, are you reading this too? - it has to do with being smart enough not to write racistic or sexistic shit.

You two morons can go ahead and turn this thread into your own little Jackass Thread. I'm out of here, and you two are on Ignore.

 

[TE999]

A man owned a small farm in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin State Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," the agent demanded.

"Well," the farmer replied, "There's my one farm hand who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $250.00 a week plus room and board. The other farm hand's been with me 2 years and I pay him $180.00 a week plus room and board. There's the cook, she's been with me for 16 months, I pay her $150.00 a week."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works 18 hours a day and does 75% of the work around here. He makes about $20.00 per week and pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night and he sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," the agent said excitedly.

"That would be me," the farmer replied.

 

[TE999]

Calmness in our lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little calmness in our lives.

Doctor Phil stated on his show that, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished."

So I looked around my house to find all the things I started and never finished. Before the day was over I'd finished off a bottle of Bailey's Irish cream, a package of Oreo's, what remained of my Prozac perscription, two liters of Mountain Dew, the rest of the cheesecake, a bag of donuts, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this along to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.