Humor Thread

[Bianca_Sommerland]

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"

His mother ,very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...

"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

 

[curl4ever]

He didn't like the casserole ...

Very cute! Thanks, Moe!

 

[curl4ever]

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?" ...

Stunningly delightful! Thanks, Bianca!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Guy takes a seat at one end of a bar then notices a beautiful young woman sitting at the opposite end. He calls to bartender and says, "Bring me a Scotch on the Rocks and by that fucking douche bag over there whatever she wants."

The bartender is horrified. "Sir. This is a nice place and she's a nice lady. We don't talk like that in here."

The guy says, "Okay then, just give that douche bag whatever she wants on me."

Again the bartender is horrified. "Look I told you. We don't talk like that in here."

The guy says, "Okay then. Just give the nice lady whatever she wants."

The bartender walks over to the woman and says, "The gentelman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What would you like?"

The woman conciders then says, "Give me a vinegar and water."

 

[curl4ever]

Guy takes a seat at one end of a bar then notices a beautiful young woman sitting at the opposite end. He calls to bartender and says, "Bring me a Scotch on the Rocks and buy that fucking douche bag over there whatever she wants." ...

Nice one! Thanks, Jenny.

 

[JackLuis]

The woman conciders then says, "Give me a vinegar and water."

Ha Ha Ha! JJ good one!

 

[sr71plt]

*bump*

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears..



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Litle Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.





Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.


Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

 

[MoeDick]

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Knky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

[MoeDick]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

 

[MoeDick]

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

 

[TE999]

Little Willie took Mother's mirror
and licked the mercury right off,
Thinking in his childish error
it would cure his Whooping Cough.
At the funeral, Willie's mother
sadly said to Mrs. Brown,
"It was a chilly day for Willie
when the mercury went down."

 

[Handley_Page]

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the
wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a
furious snowstorm was upon them.

They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters
had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they
knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their
knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered.

It was a simple place -- two rooms with a minimum of furniture and
household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove.
It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it
was its location: it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the
ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely
trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can
curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practising the laws of
thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to
distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging
his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a
religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had
hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

 

[MoeDick]

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His supporters don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

(2). Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

(3). Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

(4). Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

(5). Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

(7). Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is full of tax evaders, blackmailers & threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

(8). Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The large pizza can feed a family of four.

(9). Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin' African.

(10). Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

(11). Q: Do you know Barack Obama's new campaign slogan?

A: "Yes we can !" is now "Yes you will !"

(12). Q: What is the 'new' General Motors convertible called and why does no on want to buy one?

A: The Pelosi; and its Gawd Ugly, especially with its top down !

The liberals are now requesting that we give Obama time. Personally, I'm wondering if... 25 to life would be appropriate? - C:>)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. Bu t eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A. because they remind us of the disgusting, impenetrable, and terrifying ignorance of the right.

 

[LitRiter]

An American was traveling the Australian outback by car, when he decided to stop in a tiny town known as Mercy. Going into what he identified to be a tavern, he made the acquaintance of the large, burly bartender who was named Mike.

"Mercy is a dry town on Sundays," Mike said to the American, who was devastated by his inability to buy a drink.

"Surely there must be some way to get alcohol!" the American pleaded.

"Well," said Mike, "We do have a local brew, but most outsiders don't like it. It's made from a bunch of local herbs that are boiled, and the whole mess put into the stomach of a koala. We bury it for a couple of months, and there you have it, Koala Tea."

The American slammed a hundred dollar bill onto the bar and demanded a mug.

Mike took a disgusting looking brown sack from beneath the bar and cut open one end. He poured a foul smelling liquid from it into a mug, where the deep brown concoction swam with grit and small rotted pieces of herbs. It was topped by a thick head of yellow foam that held detritus suspended in it.

"Uh," the American said warily, "Couldn't you pour it through a cloth or something to get rid of that crap?"

"But Sir!" Mike exclaimed. "Everyone knows, the Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Medical Problem

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Skullets

Skullets

Click the link, I dare you!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Desert Trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

 

[DesertPirate]

First-year students at NC State's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
The professor stated they would need to pay attention at all times to learn. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. Bu t eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Jenny, almost right. It happened at Texass A&M

 

[DesertPirate]

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are really causing problems -- They're swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. They are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes. There's barbecue and picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts. Their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep. They are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing, and they insist on bringing their darn horses with them."

The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello -- hold on a minute."

When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kinds of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this... Hold on!"

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel -- I can't talk right now! Red Adair has put out the fire and now Brown & Root is installing air conditioning!"

 

[DesertPirate]

This just in! -- Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

This just in! -- Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!

Only because he was in his tighty whitys.

 

[Handley_Page]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and
it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five
minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when
he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long
silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big
sissy.'


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'


7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you
doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
that son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught
them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky
is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'


Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!