Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

 

[redpaint]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

 

[redpaint]

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

 

[Crudebug]

Murphy and the construction crew are excellent ones... tyvm

 

[DG Hear]

Husband store!

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited .

 

[Crudebug]

my camping intent makes me pitch a tent in my pants.. lol


After seeing these..
What are your thots on Camping `In-Tents'

 

[DG Hear]

Top one is zip the tent closed.
Bottom pic, need a bigger tent.
Thoughts are sex in tents can be fun.
DG

 

[Crudebug]

Top one is zip the tent closed.
Bottom pic, need a bigger tent.
Thoughts are sex in tents can be fun.
DG

Zip it closed? Are u nuts.... more like zzzzzipppp right in....

As for the other.. might pull the pair of feet out from the middle and see if I can replace them with mine... lmao..

Dunno about wild sex in the wilds... only a few times they went off well.. at times. they were disrupted by insects, though I must say the one in the rain was fun while it lasted but felt quite messy later..
And usually camping often happens in groups and also kids around.. so very rarely get a chance to have a romp.. lol.. I think the best way is pitch a tent in the backyard or lawn and simulate a night out in the wild..

 

[DG Hear]

Received this, this morning.

Strange Quotes:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

 

[scotsmitch2001]

A woman comes home fro her appointment with the Doctors all smiles
"why you smiling?" grunts the husband
"Oh" says the woman "the doctor said i had a beautiful pussy!"
'What?" shouts the husband "he talks to my wife like that?I,ll go down there and teach him not to be so crude to my wife"
He runs down to the Doctors office ,barges in and starts beating up the Dr
"How dare you say my wife has a beautiful pussy!!!"
"I didnt say she had a beautiful pussy" replies the doctor " I said she had acute angina!"

 

[DG Hear]

Many of us 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly


At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

 

[sadangel]

Many of us 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly


At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

Oh my eyes from that last picture. EWWWWWW!!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Oh my eyes from that last picture. EWWWWWW!!!!!

Welcome back Sadangel. Always good to hear from you.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Three Bums

Three bums are talking one evening, when the first says, "You should have been with me last night. I was behind the new Burger King, looked in the dumpster and found a half-eaten Whopper and half a Sprite. I had myself a feast!"

The second one says, "You should have been with me last night. I was behind the liquor store, and found a case of broken whiskey bottles in the Dumpster. I got a good drink!"�

The third one says, "You should have been with me last night. I was walking down the railroad tracks, ran into a woman, went off into the woods and had sex for hours!"

Excitedly, the first one asks, "So, did you get any head?"

The third one says, "Nah, never could find her head."

 

[DG Hear]

30 Years

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with e vidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

 

[redpaint]

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says “Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well”. The man’s dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 35 times.

Dale Earnhardt Jr 88A few laps later, the bartender says “Earnhardt is up to 15th!” The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 15 times. A couple laps later, the bartender excitedly says “Earnhardt is up to 2nd!” after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 2 more times…

The bartender says “WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Dale Jr. wins?”

“I don’t know”, says the man, “I’ve only had him for 3 years!”

 

[redpaint]

While doing the vasectomy, Bill’s doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill’s missing ball with an onion.

Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” the doc asked. “Pretty good, but I’ve had some strange side effects.” “Like what?” the nervous doc asked anxiously. “Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”

 

[redpaint]

Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn’t come out – and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. “I’ve tried everything,” he says. “I’ve pulled it, I’ve twisted it, I’ve even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can’t open this damn jar!”

 

[redpaint]

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

 

[curl4ever]

30 Years

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

...

VERY funny! Thanks, DG!

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what’s wrong, and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, “For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”

Great one! Thanks, redpaint!

 

[redpaint]

VERY funny! Thanks, DG!

Great one! Thanks, redpaint!

Glad that you like them, Makes posting worth it.

 

[DG Hear]

Glad that you like them, Makes posting worth it.

I agree, Curl is a good backer of our humor. Wish we had more.

 

[Crudebug]

Glad that you like them, Makes posting worth it.

Even when we don't actually say it, we do love to read your posts and add a few smiles to our days.. thanks and keep 'em coming..

 

[Crudebug]

I agree, Curl is a good backer of our humor. Wish we had more.

but then we also safely bet that we get some crackers of hackers.. whose sense of humour is so judgmental and cloudy that the sunshine of smiles barely and rarely shines thru... we certainly could have less of them.. lol

 

[Crudebug]

Three Bums

Three bums are talking one evening, >>>>>
<<<The third one says, "Nah, never could find her head."

prolly a good thing... even if he did, it could have been suffering a severe headache and would neither spit nor swallow... lmao...