Humor Thread

[TE999]

A lady who had been married for several years was becoming increasingly frustrated with her husbands lack of interest in her. She went shopping for something to spice up their relationship and bought a sexy nightgown and crotchless panties in a lingerie boutique.

That night she took a bubble bath, sprayed on perfume, slipped into the nightgown and panties, put on spiked heels and strutted into the living room where her husband was watching television.

She stood between him and the tv, put one foot on the chair arm and cooed "Want some of this, baby?"

"Hell no!" He replied, "Look what it's done to your underwear."

 

[Crudebug]

lmao... imagine what those toothless jaws would to to edible panties..

 

[DG Hear]

Gay Bob Ohhhhhhhhh Myyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

 

[DG Hear]

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

*******************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

*************

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

*****************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

**************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest..

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

****************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'

*************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

HAPPY PATTIES DAY!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Just some facts

Man makes counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men.

The only thing you can get without working is hungry.

The only one who shows a sincere appreciation of your efforts to improve your home is the tax accessor.

Every "estimate: should be compelled by law to include the footnote estimating how much more than the estimate the final bill will be.

The natural law of money: Anything left over will be needed tomorrow to pay an unexpected bill.

And this businessman's credit was so bad in the market that no one would accept even his cash now.

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it...

 

[DG Hear]

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a boy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"


And the boy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

 

[DG Hear]

 

[redpaint]

Old Age Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

 

[redpaint]

Adrift in a Lifeboat

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

 

[redpaint]

Investment Guide

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people, but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker: the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria - if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds' I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

 

[redpaint]

Internet Axioms

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

 

[redpaint]

Male Wisdom

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.

 

[redpaint]

Aging Women

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

 

[DG Hear]

Hey Red! That was some really good stuff. I'm haveing a hard time remembering the one about the guy that wasn't sure if he chose a big dick or a good memory.

 

[DG Hear]

An oldie but still funny.

A drunk gets very rowdy one night and the bartender says "you, there, time to leave!!" The drunk agrees, and says "Ok, but I'll just need to use the Men's room first."

The drunk is in there for a few minutes, when a blood-curdling howl reverberates out the door. The bartender rushes in and says "what the hel's going on?"

"I dunno. Every time I try to flush, something clamps on my balls and makes me go awwwww."

"That's because you just crapped in the mop bucket!"

 

[JackLuis]

Never Cheat On A Hillbilly Woman!!!!!

In West Virginia a hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, and cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vise and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up hillbilly was terrified and hollered, 'Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want.'

 

[DG Hear]

Happy or Sad???

A husband and wife were sitting in living room when the husband said,

"I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad
at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"How much you're willing to bet?"

"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.

"That's all?" inquired the wife.

"OK, two hundred."

"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.

The hubby announced, "Five hundred!"

The wife said, "Your cock is bigger than your brother's."

 

[DG Hear]

Mating Call

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.

 

[DG Hear]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

 

[DG Hear]

When Darryl first noticed that his penis was growing larger
and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife, Becky.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown eight more inches!

Darryl became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and Becky went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Darryl's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Darryl be on crutches?' Becky asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said Becky coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?'

 

[DG Hear]

A man goes to a masquerade party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman.'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar!' says the woman.

'Exactly! In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

 

[DG Hear]

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.


While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

 

[redpaint]

Ever notice,

The older we get,

The more we're

Like computers?

We start out with lots of

Memory and drive,

Then we eventually

Become outdated,

Crash at odd moments,

Acquire errors in our systems,

And have to have our parts replaced!

 

[redpaint]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give You $100 if you let me have sex with you.' The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "HE HAD QUARTERS!