Humiliation: why do you do it?

[teknight]

Hi, all. I hope your Christmas went well (or that the family went away, whichever works more for you now .
How do I put this- I'm curious about why some would humiliate others (in the bdsm context). Mind you, this is not my kink at all (so this is purely intellectual curiosity). Why do you do it if you're a PYL?

Not to ignore the pyls- what do you get out of it? (I think I can understand this a little bit better, but, it's just a guess).


Thanks. Looking forward to a bit of enlightenment, if you're willing to help me out.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Hi, all. I hope your Christmas went well (or that the family went away, whichever works more for you now .
How do I put this- I'm curious about why some would humiliate others (in the bdsm context). Mind you, this is not my kink at all (so this is purely intellectual curiosity). Why do you do it if you're a PYL?

Not to ignore the pyls- what do you get out of it? (I think I can understand this a little bit better, but, it's just a guess).


Thanks. Looking forward to a bit of enlightenment, if you're willing to help me out.

What I like about it is that it reinforces the D/s dynamic in our relationship. "These are our sexual roles, and let's make that even clearer, tangibly, by doing or saying X." Then that builds, and spirals.

 

[teknight]

So, it's a means to an end- an extra stimulus?

That I can get. Thanks.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

So, it's a means to an end- an extra stimulus?

That I can get. Thanks.

It seems to work like squirting a stream of lighter fluid on a fire. And seems to be much more fun – whooosh! – once the fire is already burning.

 

[where]

I don't get humiliation to save my life. I have in the past been asked to humiliate and I can't do it.

It seems to work like squirting a stream of lighter fluid on a fire. And seems to be much more fun – whooosh! – once the fire is already burning.

for me it's like throwing cold porridge on me. I shut down and turn off. This doesn't explain why I get turned on by bondage or spanking, but for some reason I don't ever feel humiliated by those instruments.

 

[the captians wench]

When it comes to the BDSM side of things, I'm not humiliated all that easily. When in the heat of things, my mind kind of goes into auto mode. Like I do things with out thinking about them first. So if I'm not thinking "omg I can't believe I'm doing this" then I don't feel any sort of shame or anything.

I know it sounds kind of. . . "true bdsm is done this way"-ish, but when I hit a certain space, all thoughts of myself stop. It's only about him and what he enjoys. And if he enjoys doing something that later when I look back on I go WTF did you just do? well then that's what happens.

I'm not really turned on by the idea. And if you aproach me with it outside of that just perfect way, I shut down and question why anyone would want to do such a thing.

 

[Brutal1ty]

The pleasures of humiliating

1. It reinforces my domination and her submission

2. For the same reason I slap, whip, paddle, cain, clamp or bite.

3. It feels dirty, erotic, nasty and sexy.


That's the short list.

 

[deviant_bastard]

It feels really dirty to call women names, and make them do things that they normally would never do if they weren't being made to do.

And it helps excite them and makes them more aroused and get off as well, if they're allowed to cum that is.

 

[Netzach]

Adrenaline. I get a very nice jolt of adrenaline when some kind of "good taste" or "nice" boundary is being violated.

 

[Netzach]

And if he enjoys doing something that later when I look back on I go WTF did you just do? well then that's what happens.

That's like, the sexiest iteration of it though. When someone's not going to refuse me anything, but there's still a look back and go "WTF" that's the pinnacle of good times for me. Being that invested in pleasing me but also that in the moment.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think it is one of those things which is difficult to explain in a way another gets if they are not into it themselves...and IME it also works that way when trying to make it work in a situation where one is into it and the other isn't, just doesnlt gel. Perhaps that is why when presented with the task of delivering humiliation to another, I was one step ahead of where F thought I would be and resulted in making him pleasantly surprised...almost as much as the recipient. And as some have said, what works in the moment, might not work very well once out of the moment and context.

Catalina

 

[teknight]

When it comes to the BDSM side of things, I'm not humiliated all that easily. When in the heat of things, my mind kind of goes into auto mode. Like I do things with out thinking about them first. So if I'm not thinking "omg I can't believe I'm doing this" then I don't feel any sort of shame or anything.

I know it sounds kind of. . . "true bdsm is done this way"-ish, but when I hit a certain space, all thoughts of myself stop. It's only about him and what he enjoys. And if he enjoys doing something that later when I look back on I go WTF did you just do? well then that's what happens.

I'm not really turned on by the idea. And if you aproach me with it outside of that just perfect way, I shut down and question why anyone would want to do such a thing.

I honestly dunno what true BDSM is, so I didn't read it that way. I guess I sort of hoped it was instance specific (not for you explicitly), 'cause, honestly, whereas I'm trying to get it in the BDSM context, red flags come up for me if it's generalized.

That's like, the sexiest iteration of it though. When someone's not going to refuse me anything, but there's still a look back and go "WTF" that's the pinnacle of good times for me. Being that invested in pleasing me but also that in the moment.

See? I can't honestly relate to this...(yet ?).

for me it's like throwing cold porridge on me. I shut down and turn off. This doesn't explain why I get turned on by bondage or spanking, but for some reason I don't ever feel humiliated by those instruments.

Well, it needn't all be humiliation- the pleasure of pain can be enough. So, I can't call you a fuck puppet then? (JK!!)

1. It reinforces my domination and her submission
2. For the same reason I slap, whip, paddle, cain, clamp or bite.
3. It feels dirty, erotic, nasty and sexy.
That's the short list.

Thank you.

It feels really dirty to call women names, and make them do things that they normally would never do if they weren't being made to do.
And it helps excite them and makes them more aroused and get off as well, if they're allowed to cum that is.

Thanks. Obviously, this only works on the ones that consent to it...although, I would imagine some that haven't considered it also might find it a turn on in the right scenario?

Adrenaline. I get a very nice jolt of adrenaline when some kind of "good taste" or "nice" boundary is being violated.

Can one boil down all BDSM to adrenaline? Seriously.

I think it is one of those things which is difficult to explain in a way another gets if they are not into it themselves...and IME it also works that way when trying to make it work in a situation where one is into it and the other isn't, just doesnlt gel. Perhaps that is why when presented with the task of delivering humiliation to another, I was one step ahead of where F thought I would be and resulted in making him pleasantly surprised...almost as much as the recipient. And as some have said, what works in the moment, might not work very well once out of the moment and context.

Catalina

I realize what I'm asking...honestly, I know that with the right person, if I were comfortable enough, I could humiliate them...but...it'd take a lot to get me there.

Err...I don't get the F reference/story.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Err...I don't get the F reference/story.

Sorry, used to people knowing around here and sometimes forget not everyone has been around that long. F is for Francisco, my Master and husband.

Catalina

 

[teknight]

Sorry, used to people knowing around here and sometimes forget not everyone has been around that long. F is for Francisco, my Master and husband.

Catalina

Honestly, I got that F was basically your significant other...you use the letter just like Keroin references L, her husband (right?), so I got that....
What confuses me is that you reference a recipient...and it reads like it wasn't your husband. Sorry if I'm being nosy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Honestly, I got that F was basically your significant other...you use the letter just like Keroin references L, her husband (right?), so I got that....
What confuses me is that you reference a recipient...and it reads like it wasn't your husband. Sorry if I'm being nosy.

Ah, OK. No, it wasn't him. On a couple of occasions he has had me dominate male subs. Given that it was expected and I was also expected to not disappoint, I carefully selected male subs who I could relate to from my own perspective as a slave though sprinkled with a male flavour. This seems to always result in playing with male subs who have humiliation fantasies, especially those including cross dressing and anal play.

F was surprised I came up with ideas on my own which he had not even thought of himself at times. On one occasion we had arranged for the sub we were going to play with, to wear lacy female underwear under his clothes. Being freshly home from Iraq he was strong and very fit and muscular. F went into pay from fuel at the service station and came out suggesting I should ask him to prove he had worn the underwear as agreed, only to find I had already pulled him out of the car and made him lower his jeans to his knees revealing gorgeous lace knickers while standing beside the car, and then pushed him back into the car. LOL, it was worth it to see F's face and then his cheeky grin.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I honestly dunno what true BDSM is, so I didn't read it that way. I guess I sort of hoped it was instance specific (not for you explicitly), 'cause, honestly, whereas I'm trying to get it in the BDSM context, red flags come up for me if it's generalized.


.

I ment it as a tongue in cheek kind of statement.

 

[teknight]

I ment it as a tongue in cheek kind of statement.

Honestly, I don't wanna assume tone (more than I already do )...but I do like that it was tongue in cheek...err...Face cheek..or butt cheek?

 

[CutieMouse]

It's like having someone snuggle down in the darkest corners of my mind, and understand me well enough to point a flashlight on the bits and pieces I haven't yet made peace with.

With the right man, I've been known to beg and crave things no proper or intelligent lady would ever even think of... only to look up two seconds later going "Ohmygod I just admitted ___ out loud. And I meant it."

The funny thing is that I've yet to feel badly about the 'humiliation' I've dealt with in a D/s context, or have it affect my self-esteem. I've learned stuff about myself though. Sometimes I've learned there are things I want to do again; sometimes not.

 

[teknight]

It's like having someone snuggle down in the darkest corners of my mind, and understand me well enough to point a flashlight on the bits and pieces I haven't yet made peace with.

With the right man, I've been known to beg and crave things no proper or intelligent lady would ever even think of... only to look up two seconds later going "Ohmygod I just admitted ___ out loud. And I meant it."

The funny thing is that I've yet to feel badly about the 'humiliation' I've dealt with in a D/s context, or have it affect my self-esteem. I've learned stuff about myself though. Sometimes I've learned there are things I want to do again; sometimes not.

a) don't discount proper intelligent ladies. As the song goes :"Lady in the street and a freak in the bed". Those two are not mutually exclusive, I don't think...and I hope not.
b) The bolded part...so...is that cathartic? does it help you come to terms with then? I'd guess not, but I've not taken a flashlight to your mind...

 

[CutieMouse]

a) don't discount proper intelligent ladies. As the song goes :"Lady in the street and a freak in the bed". Those two are not mutually exclusive, I don't think...and I hope not.
b) The bolded part...so...is that cathartic? does it help you come to terms with then? I'd guess not, but I've not taken a flashlight to your mind...

Mmmm... I don't know that I'd say cathartic. More like interesting. LOL

 

[teknight]

Mmmm... I don't know that I'd say cathartic. More like interesting. LOL

Well, you did say "with the right man"...
I'm guessing it's what Netzach spoke about, the adrenalin, but, instead of it being nothing by pain, it's pain and pleasure, as it'd seem is the case with most bdsm?

I guess I've come to explain/understand a lot of what I've seen as BDSM via biology and (simple) psychology.

 

[Bandit58]

Having been through a 23 year emotionally abusive marriage, humiliation isn't something or somewhere I want to go.

Yes, Sir calls me His slut and yes I am - with Him. Now and again He's had me go out without panties. He does some gentle teasing and it's all in fun. Any more than that and I go to a bad place and shut down. It's not fun for either of us and because He knows what I've been through, we don't go there.

Hard, very hard limit.

 

[teknight]

Having been through a 23 year emotionally abusive marriage, humiliation isn't something or somewhere I want to go.

Yes, Sir calls me His slut and yes I am - with Him. Now and again He's had me go out without panties. He does some gentle teasing and it's all in fun. Any more than that and I go to a bad place and shut down. It's not fun for either of us and because He knows what I've been through, we don't go there.

Hard, very hard limit.

See...that's part of why I have such a hard time connecting to the BDSM humiliation...I can only think of RL examples, and those are not fun.
Sort of the same reason I can't call girls names in bed (when asked to). I shut down, 'cause I've only ever used the term in a real life derogatory fashion, to insult all and sundry, so, using them on a person that I care enough for to be with...there's a disconnect there.

 

[ImOnIt]

See...that's part of why I have such a hard time connecting to the BDSM humiliation...I can only think of RL examples, and those are not fun.
Sort of the same reason I can't call girls names in bed (when asked to). I shut down, 'cause I've only ever used the term in a real life derogatory fashion, to insult all and sundry, so, using them on a person that I care enough for to be with...there's a disconnect there.

You can treat it as encouragement, not criticism. If she is a vexatious minx, you can say so and thats nice.

Or are you dealing with a slatternly trollop?

 

[teknight]

You can treat it as encouragement, not criticism. If she is a vexatious minx, you can say so and thats nice.

Or are you dealing with a slatternly trollop?

Really?
Am I supposed to take you seriously now, after the shit you've given me in the past?

I'm not dealing with anyone currently-an ex was into BDSM/kink...well, she wanted verbal abuse and wanted to be beaten (her words)...but, I never was comfortable enough with her to even contemplate what she was asking for.
Besides, until 00syd took the time to answer my questions, and point out that a beating needn't be unlike a caning/spanking/what have you...I never thought of a beating as "sexy".