how would you define this?

[lovechild27]

Honey if your sex drive is so strong that you really cant controll it, you need to get into some sort of therapy. NOW. WHo knows...this could come back to haunt your relationship for a long long time if you dont fix it. Theres probably a lot more to you than we could ever know. So please consider talking to a therapist or a counselor.

 

[UncleTom555]

Not going to rip on anyone but feel my comments may help a few.

1) When I was a Christian, my pastor would ALWAYS bring up the sex issue. And, he always pointed out that humans are sexual in nature. It's a HUGE part of us and our being.

2) Notice all the people who take a vow of celiabacy? All the Catholic priests. What have they been in the news for recently? Oh that's right, having sex with children. Hmm. Wonder why they are doing that when they took a vow not to. Maybe it's because the human body/mind take over when you refuse it access to a necessary need?

3) Read up on sexual natures of other animal species. You will find that humans are the only species that forces itself to become monogamous. We've done so purely out of peer pressure. The "good girls don't do that kind of thing" mentality is from either ancient times or from Victorian era and has somehow stuck around. I feel/think one day we need to break all the Victorian era stuff off our lives/society and just accept ourselves for being the way we are/were made.


My advice to the original poster, and I will probably be flamed for this is as follows: If you know of another wife/girlfriend who has her husband/boyfriend off to sea with/like your signficant other, try hooking up with her. If bisexuality doesn't bother you, then maybe you two could help each other out without the risk of pregnancy. Hell, you could even surprise your significant others when they return. Just an idea.

 

[Bobmi357]

Death of a relationship...

I told him all this and he rips me a new one. Very unfair of him.

A lot of people have commented on his being "unfair". And I have to ask whats unfair about it? Many people enter into a relationship expecting it to be monogonous. You can quote the species statistics about humans being the only ones that have gone against nature and entered into monogomous relationships. Its a bullshit statistic and I reject it totally. Animals don't put men on the moon, or create works of art like Michangelo's David either. Should we give that up because the rest of animal kingdom doesn't do it? What seperates man from the monkeys is our ability to allow us to rule ourselves, not let nature make up our minds for us. Additionally monogomy wasn't forced on us by some obscure governing body, or by some secret sect looking to control the masses. Ask an anthropologist and he'll tell you its there as a mechanism to deal with the fact that human children take so long to mature. 2 parents make it easier to rear a child than one.

If he entered into the relationship expecting it to remain a monogomous one, then he has the right to expect it to remain that way until he agrees otherwise. Relationships are about partnerships with another person. And partners either agree to do something together or they go their seperate ways.

She is trying to force a decision on him when he's not in a place where he can make a decision. He's onboard ship, been gone for 9 months now. We'll forget that he's probably reaching the end of the cruise rotation and should be home in a couple months. She's complaining to him and he's NOT in a position to either do anything about his needs, or address hers. She KNEW that his being in the navy would mean extended time away, so she shouldn't have ever made that promise to him in the first place.

Any person, and I mean ANY, that is so sexually charged that they feel a complusive need to have sex, needs to be treated for a sexual addiction.

If she wants to maintain this relationship, she'll find other ways of comforting herself with resorting to cheating. And when he finally gets home and has the time to really talk, she can broach the subject of "opening" up the relationship with him again. As it stands I think she might have already damaged the relationship with her complaints. He could be very well returning home with suspicions of her having cheated on him.

 

[tendril]

Ok so it is like this. My man is gone for nine months. I promise not to cheat on him. But..... I need to get laid. How to do that? Masterbation doesn't work any more. The stories here helped at first, but now I am becoming more and more frustrated. I told him all this and he rips me a new one. Very unfair of him. When he was home we were having sex three or four times a day, work permitting. He expected me to be able to turn it all off when he left but I can't.My blood humms in my viens, I am riding the very edge of an orgasim every minute of the day, but getting no closer to going over the edge. Nothing is working for me. I stoped sleeping, I stoped eating, I am getting really bad headaches. I need to get laid.... But I can't cheat. I want to just for the sex, but he will leave me and that is just not acceptable to me. He is the only one that I have found that can keep up, suprised me once by wearing me out. But i have needed sex alot for as long as I have been active. So how do I fix this????What would I call this?????
swtnsasy

I would call that serious fucklust.

 

[curvacious]

if she was that concerned about how her hubby would react, then she would have done everything to stop that pregnancy.

like not having sex? What a novel concept; to actually show some self restraint.

 

[voxovixen]

Re: Death of a relationship...

 

[warrior queen]

like not having sex? What a novel concept; to actually show some self restraint.

oohh.....oohh.....ooohhh.....

an attempt at sarcasm!

good try

 

[CWatson]

Honestly, you people. If I wanted to see petty bickering I'd go to the General Board. Can we try to stay on-topic here?

Originally posted by UncleTom555
My advice to the original poster, and I will probably be flamed for this is as follows: If you know of another wife/girlfriend who has her husband/boyfriend off to sea with/like your signficant other, try hooking up with her. If bisexuality doesn't bother you, then maybe you two could help each other out without the risk of pregnancy. Hell, you could even surprise your significant others when they return. Just an idea.

Actually, I think this is a really good idea. I personally buy 5pintshefound's explanation of why he's being irrationally steadfast on this topic. At least, it would explain SOME of it. If your man is terribly scared that he's not Mr. Right, of course he'd forbid you from practically going out to FIND him. If you find MRS. Right instead, he's hardly threatened. Maybe that'll fly.

Having said that: Why IS he being so adamant on this? This is clearly a very important issue to you--not to mention quite literally a painful one--and he's not being very reasonable about it. Why not? Have you asked him? I presume so. I also presume he doesn't know, since you haven't mentioned anything about what's on his mind. I think you really need to find it out; it might help you find the loopholes and fine print that will make this situation livable for both of you. And if he balks on figuring out why this bugs him so... Well, then so long farewell dumbass, because Mr. Right does NOT hesitate to look inside himself if it means a lot to his woman, and you should expect nothing less of him.

Best of luck with this.

 

[peachykeen]

HOW ON EARTH is it 'ok' if she goes off and has sex with another woman, but just not if she does it with another guy? A (supposedly) monogamous relationship is between two PEOPLE, not two sets of genitalia. She either honours her word to him, or she doesn't.

 

[ReadyOne]

Relax, people!

Moral is as moral does. In orther words, the general behaviour of society is it's baseline morals.

And for no logical (to me) reasons, FF by the F in MF is very often not considered cheating, Thanks Goodness!

Problems are real to the preceiver, and telling them that the problems don't exist or can be made to go away seldom if at all changes how they are feeling.

I'm just kicking myself for missing the FF option. And asking around among the wives, even if not for FF, might lead to some discoveries that will be useful when talking to SO again; i.e. how others handle the problem of long duty.

And I wish you the best, swtnsasy.

 

[swtnsasy]

a little bit more info on this

In the begining he was the fuck buddy and he knew I had others.When he left he asked me to be faithful to him. I told him I would try my best to do what he asked. So I emailed him telling him how bad I was getting. He called me (using an emergancy phone) to tell me that if I did he couldn't be with me any more. Be it either woman or man it is still cheating. I agree. Bit what I am having problems with is he want me to seek medical help in this. SO I called my Doc. His answer was antidepressants. Big no-no for my body.... They make me stupid and doc can never get the dosage right. Childrens meds don't work and adult meds is too much. Done the half a pill, even a quarter pill.Same effects. been seeing this doc for ten years so he knows me well. I have had this problem before. But what I did then won't help here. Way diffent then. I told him what I did here and he said that if it helps then keep doing it. I just don't understand why he loved me how I was at first but now that he is gone expects me to change who I am .

 

[5pintshefound]

how long has he been gone? and are you doing anything to 'celebrate' weeks/monthes down? that was something else that helped me.. i could see that there was a definative end to what was happening.. made it seem like it wasnt forever... sometimse just doing something a little different changes a mindset... who knows.. it might not look so bleak if you look at it from a different angle....
also... how long before he left did you two become monogamus?

im just curious... trying to get some more insight into your situation...

 

[swtnsasy]

he's been gone for three months now. He asked me to be monogmus two weeks before he left. Sorry hard to think, I still am not sleeping very well. I just didn't think it would be this hard. Maybe I don't feel the way I thought I did about him. OUr whole relationship was based on sex, then our feeling of each other. So I wonder if that could be it? Just thoughts running off the top of my head. Sorry bare with me here. I have always worried that he would get bored with me. I really don't want to do most of the timgs that he does.. I'm not 21 anymore. So that has always been one of my worries. Could I just be trying to find a reson why this won't wrok between us? hummm.. I need to think about somethings, I know. But I love my boy. He has so much potential. Anyway I am going to try to sleep some. Everyone that has replied to my thread has helped in one way or another. I thank each and every one of you.

 

[sheath]

Okay, with the last post from swtnsasy, I'm jumping into the fray.

You say your whole relationship was based on sex. If that's true, then you shouldn't have a problem with cheating on him, since there isn't much emotion behind it. But since you are so opposed to cheating and determined to stay monogamous, then perhaps there really is something there worth saving?

My man and I have been going through a really rough time. The sex that used to 'sustain' our relationship has fallen to the wayside. Sometimes, I'm lucky if he simply hugs me. It's a depression issue, not a sexual one...but still, going from 3 or 4 times a day to NOTHING is hard as hell, and it's a pretty big shock at first. No matter what the reason, it's a shock on so many levels.

Several people have asked me why I stay faithful to a man who isn't having sex with me. The answer? There's more than sex. If it were just sex, I would have already gotten a fuckbuddy and I would be sleeping quite well, thanks. But there are other things there...mutual respect, caring...wonderful things that I can choose to keep, or can choose to throw away over a quick romp with some other guy that means nothing at all.

But most importantly, there is a connection that is enhanced and revealed most clearly BY sex, but not DEFINED by sex.

If you didn't care about this man, you would have been fucking around by now. Obviously there is more to think about than just the sex, because you are willing to put yourself through the torture of waiting for sex with THIS particular man. So when you say you need to think about things...basically, that you need to decide if he is still what you want...that's bullshit, IMHO. It's your hormones talking.

Don't throw away a good relationship over an orgasm. It's not worth it, and you WILL regret it, babe.

My two cents,

S.

 

[lovechild27]

I realize you may have a good relationship with him when hes there...but if this is so important to you and its a huge thing in your life...

maybe its time to realize he isnt the one for you.

Hes in the service...what happens if he comes home and gets called back out again? (you never know) your better off being upfront and honest with things instead of stooping to cheat on him.

 

[warrior queen]

Re: a little bit more info on this

***In the begining he was the fuck buddy*** and he knew I had others.When he left he asked me to be faithful to him. I told him I would try my best to do what he asked. So I emailed him telling him how bad I was getting. He called me (using an emergancy phone) to tell me that if I did he couldn't be with me any more. Be it either woman or man it is still cheating. I agree. Bit what I am having problems with is he want me to seek medical help in this. SO I called my Doc. His answer was antidepressants. Big no-no for my body.... They make me stupid and doc can never get the dosage right. Childrens meds don't work and adult meds is too much. Done the half a pill, even a quarter pill.Same effects. been seeing this doc for ten years so he knows me well. I have had this problem before. But what I did then won't help here. Way diffent then. I told him what I did here and he said that if it helps then keep doing it. I just don't understand why he loved me how I was at first but now that he is gone expects me to change who I am .

i put little asterixes next to the statement that caught my eye!
surprise, surprise - you met while seeing other people!
not only that, you fucked while seeing other people!!!

this in itself is an unhealthy way to begin a monogomous relationship - if that's what he's now expecting from you.
it's perfectly OK for him to have sex with you while you're with someone else, but now you're with him, the standard has changed also!
what a jerk.

he knew what you were like when he met you - and when he fucked you! - but now he wants to change you.
YOU knew what you were like also.

the guy is either incredibly selfish or incredibly naiive.

and BTW, just because you're highly sexual does NOT mean there's something wrong with you!
it doesn't mean your physical or mental health is screwed up!
don't go on drugs to control something which is perfectly normal!!!

but do think about what the hell it is about this guy that made you even consider changing who you are to please him, and if the reasons don't come to you in droves - dump him.

 

[swtnsasy]

Here's an update if any are interested. I have tlked to my boy. He still wants me to get on antidepressants. Which basically change my whole personality when I take them. He is so bend on changing the one thing about me that he likes when he is here. Now I do understand why he wants me to do this. But I don't think I should have to change to be something that he wants me to be. I tried that once, big mess. I have not cheated on him.
I have taken some advice from some of the posts. I started to write down some of my fanticies down. I realized that none of them were with him. They are with other people. I have also talked to my Doctor and he said that the antidepressants are not the answer for me. He doesn't think I need therepy either. He has dealt with me for over ten years so I trust what he says. So that leaves me.... Where?
swtnsasy

 

[mikymk259]

well damn what a mess i guess.What about usung a dildo or some other means.Im not sur if it would work but from the way you sound anything up inside you might just work

 

[ReadyOne]

Time to make a list...

Take out a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center from top to bottom. On the left, write "Why Stay?" and on the right put "Why Leave".

Now see how many reasons/observations you can put in each column.

Perhaps this exercise will help you balance you feelings and total up the costs of either choice.

If you see more options (Stay, Leave, Have affair, One night stands, Take meds, etc.) then turn the sheet legnthwise and draw a column for each option.

Sometimes putting things down in black and white will help put them into some sort of perspective and help you decide the best thing for you to do.