How to transition from fwb to something more?

[pisces_girl]

How might one maneuver shifting from a fwb arrangement, to dating, to a romantic relationship? It's understandable that feelings have to be there but the trouble seems to be initiating the communication. There's also the fear that a romantic relationship won't be what the other person wants. And if that's the case, it leaves the awkward decision as to whether it's okay to resume being fwb or to just part ways. Thoughts?

 

[pplwatching]

How might one maneuver shifting from a fwb arrangement, to dating, to a romantic relationship? It's understandable that feelings have to be there but the trouble seems to be initiating the communication. There's also the fear that a romantic relationship won't be what the other person wants. And if that's the case, it leaves the awkward decision as to whether it's okay to resume being fwb or to just part ways. Thoughts?

There's usually a pain threshold that has to be crossed before fear becomes less of a motivator than the desire for change, and any communication really begins. If you're already at the point where you're feeling uncomfortable with the arrangement, you'll probably want to say something sooner rather than later. You can start by asking yourself what exactly it is that you're afraid of. From your brief description it sounds like you already know that the FWB situation isn't going to be workable in the long term, so you really don't have anything to lose. In that case, honesty is probably the best policy. You might start with "I know we're not a couple but I'm developing feelings for you ..." If your object d'amour is a decent individual, hopefully he will be honest with you and let you know if the feelings are mutual and not string you along.

If you're not really in any emotional distress at this point, and are just musing about possibilities then the conversation becomes less urgent but you'll probably still want to address the issue. The best way that I can think of is just to ask him outright if he sees any possible romantic interest down the road.

As for that awkward decision to part ways, that is probably also going to be based on your tolerance for emotional hurt. There will come a time when being sexual with him and not being able to have emotional intimacy with him will be more painful than letting the relationship go. If you're the kind of gal who can look ahead and know if it's going to work out, then this would be a good time to evaluate your feelings and needs. If he says 'no', it would be a (IMHO) a good time to cut your losses.

 

[pisces_girl]

So far the situation is working. We started out seeing each other infrequently and recently we've been seeing each other more often... I guess I just want to see what can come out of it. I don't necessarily have any high hopes as I've learned from past experiences not to. Both of us agreed at one point that being sexually monogamous was the best way to go about it so it's been that way for a while. I just have this voice in the back of my head that keeps asking how far things can go... I realize that I should start speaking up if he doesn't...

 

[NightL]

In my experience, when one party develops feelings that are not reciprocated, FWB should end immediately. If the one with the feelings can't see that, the other should end it completely for the other persons sake.

I have never had FWB that ended happily for both people.

I agree in principle with the first part, but love on one side and lust on the other tend to drag things out to a sad end long after it perhaps should of ended. That is life though and no amount of advice will change that.

I have had an FWB that did develop happily. So to the OP - I started to develop feelings beyond the original arrangement. We were both seeing other partners and both aware of that. I just jumped in and said, "This is how I am feeling... I would love to try being exclusive to each other and see how it develops". We were together for eleven years and remain best of friends to this day. No more FWB though. Basically you won't know until you ask.

Only you know how you may react if the person does not want to develop the emotional side further. The right and wrong paths will be clear while your choices may not be.

OK - I will offer an opinion - if you have a longing for a relationship and it is clear that it will not develop from the FWB then walk away. Don't let years go by where an unfulfilling arrangement prevents you from discovering a relationship with someone else. I have experienced that one as well and it is soul destroying. Haha - many tried to advise me along the way and while I knew they were correct I just kept heading down that soul destroying path.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I don't do romantic angst anymore. I did it forever and wont do it again. I don't do anything that complicates my life. Its what happens when you get old and senile, you no longer want the bullshit, what you want is the sex or companionship or comfort but hold the bullshit and angst.

 

[LadyVer]

I don't do romantic angst anymore. I did it forever and wont do it again. I don't do anything that complicates my life. Its what happens when you get old and senile, you no longer want the bullshit, what you want is the sex or companionship or comfort but hold the bullshit and angst.

Good points. I don't think you're senile though..maybe a tad feisty.

--—----------
I would add a little romance never hurts no matter the age. I've never had a FWB. I know people who have. I'm guessing it's probably easier to do when one is older and one has learned that defining relationships isn't as important as it once was because you learn angst is ridiculous after a certain age.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Good points. I don't think you're senile though..maybe a tad feisty.

--—----------
I would add a little romance never hurts no matter the age. I've never had a FWB. I know people who have. I'm guessing it's probably easier to do when one is older and one has learned that defining relationships isn't as important as it once was because you learn angst is ridiculous after a certain age.

I'm simply weary of plucking daisy petals and wishing on stars.

 

[LadyVer]

I'm simply weary of plucking daisy petals and wishing on stars.

Did you come up with or another writer? That's pretty good. Would be a great line in a story.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Did you come up with or another writer? That's pretty good. Would be a great line in a story.

About the only thing I do really well is hatch clever punch-lines. The trait comes from my 3rd great-grandfather, and seems to be passed along the male line. I have copies of the sermons John Johnson wrote, and theyre filled with pithy gems...like...Death pulls the king off his throne and the peasant off his dung-heap.

Johns biography alludes to kinship with Dr. Samuel Johnson back in Staffordshire, England. My line and Samuels line came from the same small village there. I suspect we share a common grandfather. Dr. Johnsons will lists a nephew named Benjamin Johnson as an heir, and I have a Benjamin Johnson of the right age and place and time.

 

[IvyMae]

I've had a few fwb relationships, and tried to progress with one of them. However, there's usually seems to be a reason why a normal relationship wasn't started in the first place.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've had a few fwb relationships, and tried to progress with one of them. However, there's usually seems to be a reason why a normal relationship wasn't started in the first place.

In most cases the fwb doesn't fit in with our scripts. That is, they cant cause us the grief others can.

 

[Primalex]

How might one maneuver shifting from a fwb arrangement, to dating, to a romantic relationship? It's understandable that feelings have to be there but the trouble seems to be initiating the communication. There's also the fear that a romantic relationship won't be what the other person wants. And if that's the case, it leaves the awkward decision as to whether it's okay to resume being fwb or to just part ways. Thoughts?

I don't get your problem.

Are you worried that he might choose to not have sex with you as fwb after your coming-out? Seriously?

 

[1sickbastard]

How might one maneuver shifting from a fwb arrangement, to dating, to a romantic relationship? It's understandable that feelings have to be there but the trouble seems to be initiating the communication. There's also the fear that a romantic relationship won't be what the other person wants. And if that's the case, it leaves the awkward decision as to whether it's okay to resume being fwb or to just part ways. Thoughts?

How about a direct statement to your partner about how you are feeling and where you want the relationship to go.

"Maneuvering" the relationship kinda comes off like you're wanting to manipulate the situation in such a way that the other person is not participating in a fully informed, consensual fashion. I understand that this may not be what you mean.

However, if you're too afraid to discuss your needs and wants, openly and honestly, while still just "friends with benefits", the prospects for a successful long term relationship aren't very good.