How to tell if you're kinky

[Cakegirl]

We see this word get bandered about, but what does "kinky" really mean? I was discussing this with a friend, and we couldn't really figure out where the line was drawn for kinkiness.

I guess anything that makes sex less "vanilla" is kinky, but what is vanilla?

Is it things like wanting to dominate/be submissive, role play, talk dirty, cause/receive pain, anal, bondage, fetishes, etc, that'd all be kinky?

Or is that just normal sex???

 

[sweetgirl666]

I think the definition has to be made by each person for themselves.

I like some things that most people not only think is kinky but probably strange or unnormal, but for me its just part of who I am. But then, I live in a very conservative area. Am originally from a very modern, open, big city and there is the definition much more open.

 

[EJFan]

my personal opinion is that "kinky" is anything that deviates from YOUR personal taste/experience with sex. it's a vague term and i think it has to be defined in relative terms rather than in a fixed manner.

if, for example, sex for one person is putting a foot-long piece of PVC pipe up their ass and sending a crisco-coated gerbil through it every night, then a blowjob wouldn't be kinky. the opposite would also be true.

 

[OnlyInTheMind]

If its naughty, exciting, and partakes in fetishes...its kinky.

Sex is enjoyable...but it isn't as exciting as kinky fun.

 

[Weird Harold]

We see this word get bandered about, but what does "kinky" really mean? I was discussing this with a friend, and we couldn't really figure out where the line was drawn for kinkiness.

I think the old joke about the difference beween Erotic and Kinky is about as close as you're going to come to understanding "Kinky":

Erotic is sex involving a feather; Kinky is when the whole chicken is involved.


I think that anything other than missionary position with the lights out would be considered "Kinky" by some people, but most people would require a bit more deviation from "normal" to judge something "Kinky."

Also, the context has more to do with "Kinky" than the specific act: Oral sex as foreplay isn't Kinky, but Oral Sex on the fifty yard line during Superbowl halftime is probably "Kinky."

Personally, I consider Kinky to be an attitude rather than an act or position.

 

[tigerjen]

Everyone has their own versions of "kinky"........

Mine is getting tied up to bedposts.....or indulging in a little
of S & M activity.........

to each their own!

 

[SomeHotKCGuy]

Kink is a subjective term...related to one's own personal definition of "normal". In that regard...


"The only 'normal' people are the ones you don't know very well." - Oscar Wilde


So...if you make a chart for yourself of 'normal' sexplay...then anything that's not on that list would likely be "kinky" (for you, personally).

 

[aegis9591]

Its kind of a relative term isnt it ? One persons "kink" is another persons "normal" and vice versa, but "kinky" is a word which seems to be bandied around by a lot of people who appear to have whole hosts of hangups about sex, sexuality and sensuality...

Its like trying to define "normal" ! My "normal" may be to spend every night having rip roaring, sweaty sex until three in the morning, listening to my wife scream the house down with each successive orgasm....

My next door neighbour might consider "normal" to be a flannel nightgown, missionary position, lights out, and wake me up when you are done....

But the couple across the way, may consider "normal" to be hosting roman orgies on saturday nights....

and of course, any one of those three might look on the other two as "kinky" or "abnormal"..... tis an interesting and thought provoking subject !

The chicken theory captures it well, but as I've seen quoted here in lit, "its only kinky the first time you do it" !

 

[Halo_n_horns]

The difference between "adventurous" and "kinky"...

Adventurous is when you use a feather.

Kinky is when you use the whole damn chicken.

On a more serious note, I really don't see anything that I would refere to as "kinky." I've been fortunate enough in my life to see and experience so many things that so many people just have as part of their daily lives, that it's difficult to define something as kinky because it's perfectly normal to them, and I accept that.

Now, if you wanna have a discussion about the differences between "normal" and just plain "wrong" I can go some places with that.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

My own definition of kinky has changed over the years. I guess its whatever you're used to vs. something totally new - perhaps something you never even thought about before?

 

[ReadyOne]

Kinky is something that has a significant squick factor for the general population but you find is a turn-on.

q.v. deviant.

"kink" is fun; "deviant" is against the law.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

....snip..."kink" is fun; "deviant" is against the law.

but sometimes still fun........

 

[Elizabeth]

Hmmm. My definition of kinky varies from day to day. If "kinky" is anything outside the norm then mine are really weird. I like outside the norm.

Deviant is good too.

 

[jradek75]

Kinky is something that would mortify me if my family found out I did it.

Normal: getting a BJ - don't care if they find out

Kinky: getting a BJ with my SO's finger in my ass and her spitting my load back in my mouth - mortify me if they found out.

 

[intelligencenazi]

Well, according to Merriam-Webster...

Am I the only nerd who felt the immediate need to rush to a dictionary??

Dictionary.com:

2 entries found for kinky.
kink·y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kngk)
adj. kink·i·er, kink·i·est
Tightly twisted or curled: kinky hair.
Slang. Showing or appealing to bizarre or deviant tastes, especially of a sexual or erotic nature: “his appetite for kinky filmmaking, unmitigated by any artistry” (John Simon).


And Webster:

Main Entry: kinky
Pronunciation: 'ki[ng]-kE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): kink·i·er; -est
1 : closely twisted or curled
2 : relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also : sexually deviant
3 : OUTLANDISH, FAR-OUT
- kink·i·ly /'ki[ng]-k&-lE/ adverb
- kink·i·ness /'ki[ng]-kE-n&s/ noun


Not that that's any help at all. What is unconventional, sexually? I'm not trying to do the "but what's normal, anyway?" argument. It's just that with most things when someone says unconventional, you at least know what they mean. You may not agree, but you know. When it comes to sex, however, it's different. I don't know about any of you, but I really don't have the faintest clue what's normal for most people's sex lives. For most people, sex is relatively private. People don't talk about it as openly as they do some things. And it seems that the people who do talk about it are pretty open-minded. And then there's the fact that a lot of people think certain things are kinky, but like to do them anyway. For instance I asked two friends of mine (seperately) what they thought was kinky. Both of them answered that anything outside of oral, vaginal sex, and masturbation is kinky. However, one loves to do things he considers kinky and the other doesn't do anything he doesn't consider normal. The opposite is also true. There are things that some people don't necessarily think are kinky but that they won't do. For example, I don't care for sixty-nine. I don't think it's particularly kinky - I just don't like to do it b/c in my experience no one gets off properly. Personally, before reading this thread I hadn't really thought of it. I just viewed whatever felt kind of dirty or unusual as kinky. However, that brings up the quote that aegis9591 posted. "It only seems kinky the first time." Once upon a time in the land of extreme youth and inexperience, I viewed a great many things as kinky. Now, having done and thoroughly enjoyed those things, they've become quite normal to me. I might have agreed with jradek75 - that kinky is what would mortify me if my family found out. The problem with that is that my family finding out anything about my sex life would be rather mortifying. I don't view giving oral as kinky, but I certainly wouldn't want my family to know that I do it and enjoy it. I'm a daddy's girl and no father wants to think of his little girl sucking cock. I'm beginning to think that perhaps, to me, kinky is defined as what you would have to work up courage to ask your partner for. Or those things that you're a bit embarassed to admit you enjoy. In that case, to me oral, vaginal sex, masturbation, biting, scratching, and light bondage are all normal. Toys are right on the edge. Any degree of actual domination or submission, hair pulling, ass slapping, anal play, dirty talk, cumming on my face, breasts, etc. are all kinky to some extent, but things I thoroughly enjoy. I've also not included things that I've not actually done. For instance, I don't view lesbian sex as kinky, and it's something I'm dying to try, but it's also not normal for me at this point in time. A year from now, the lists may have changed dramatically.

So this whole long post basically boils down to my definition of kinky being what I'd be a bit embarassed to ask for.

 

[jradek75]

Re: Well, according to Merriam-Webster...

So this whole long post basically boils down to my definition of kinky being what I'd be a bit embarassed to ask for.

I agree mostly. Really, really, good attempt! The reason why I don't agree completely is because I don't think an "embarassed to ask for" thing encompasses everything that could be considered kinky. I think we are on the right track, though. It's definitely has a embarrassing/mortifying connotation to it.

In my post I used family as an example. It was probably a bad group of people to use as an example. More than anything, my point was that kinky is something you'd be mortified/embarrassed to admit you enjoyed, especially to a non-involved "vanilla" third party.

For example, when my SO asks me to swallow my own load, she's not embarrassed and never was. When my SO asked me the first time to wear her panties to work, she wasn't embarrassed. I was. When she asked me to get her a butt plug for Christmas, was she embarrassed? No. She would never admit to her friends that these things turn her on though due to embarrassment. Is she participating in something kinky? Absolutely. Is she embarrassed to ask me to do any of these things? No.

The embarrassment is definitely a factor though in determining kinkiness. It's just a matter of defining what conditions make it embarrassing.

 

[intelligencenazi]

To each their own

I was defining what I personally feel is kinky for me. To me, it's something that I would be embarassed to ask for from a new lover, or something I would be embarassed to request for the first time. I suppose I should have clarified; I just feel that once you both know that you both enjoy it, there's really not so much need to ask! For me kinky is not something I would be embarassed to admit to a random vanilla third party. With my family, I'd be indiscriminately mortified if anything specific about my sex life were known. With my friends, I don't get embarassed about anything - I often find it easier to talk to my friends about the things I like than new lovers! I generally don't give a damn what anyone outside of my family, friends, and lover thinks. I do tend to get shy, however, with a new partner. I worry about grossing them out, making them uncomfortable, making them think I'm a slut, etc. Basing my definition of kinky on what I'd be embarassed to ask for is part of the reason I think my list of what's kinky is likely to change over time. If I had several partners who treated something I was previously embarassed about as the most natural thing in the world, I'd probably stop worrying about it. I guess this just goes to show that the definition of kinky is still highly personal!

On a side note, there are some things that I view as completely wrong, rather than kinky. These are only things I view morally wrong such as bestiality, pedophilia, and incest.

 

[intelligencenazi]

By the way...

Excellent thread, Cakegirl!

 

[Cakegirl]

Thanks, intelligencenazi!

I was talking about this topic tonight with some friends (including the one I had the convo that prompted this thread with), and I think we have come to something of an acceptable definition.

We couldn't really define specific practices in any category - like it's been said here, one person might consider bondage to be hell-bound perversion, one might consider it kinky but fun, one might consider it necessary for enjoyment...

What we decided tonight was that not only is "kinky" subjective, but that it is an emotional state, not a way of describing a behaviour.

Therefore, it's not the practice that is kinky, it's our emotional response to the practice that signifies kinkiness.

How does that sound?

 

[hiddenself]

Personal tastes or societal convention?

II guess this just goes to show that the definition of kinky is still highly personal!

I think that your example shows the opposite, that "kinkiness" is defined by societal conventions. Not necessarily the general societal norms though. The attitudes and practices in our own immediate environment are more relevant to how we define vanilla or exotic or kinky. It is a collective definition to some degree. But in the sense that it varies widely by geography, social class, culture, etc. makes it in some sense a "personal" definition.

 

[intelligencenazi]

Re: Personal tastes or societal convention?

I think that your example shows the opposite, that "kinkiness" is defined by societal conventions. Not necessarily the general societal norms though. The attitudes and practices in our own immediate environment are more relevant to how we define vanilla or exotic or kinky. It is a collective definition to some degree. But in the sense that it varies widely by geography, social class, culture, etc. makes it in some sense a "personal" definition.

Re-reading my post, I realize that I wasn't very clear. I meant the fact that jradek75 and I disagree shows that the definition of kinky is personal. Besides that, when a definition of a word varies from person to person that definition is is most definitely personal no matter what the reasons for the variation are.

 

[rimmy]

kinky is like pornography. I can't describe it but I know it when I see it

 

[Bobmi357]

How to tell if you're kinky? Sorry, but thats not possible.

Kinky is ANYTHING you're unwilling to do. Kinky varies from person to person. But I don't think people are kinky. Kinky is what they consider strange or bizarre.

If you're unwilling to smear cow poop on your body while running naked through mainstreet wearing nothing but a cock ring, then to you, thats kinky.

Kinky isn't what someone is, its what someone thinks. So the question should really be, do YOU think I'm kinky. Not how do I know if I'm kinky because by definition, you're not kinky.

To me, animal sex is kinky. Its not something I would try. What you do in the privacy of your own home to get your rocks off doesn't make you kinky to yourself. But it might to your neighbors.

 

[DevilsAngel369]

We see this word get bandered about, but what does "kinky" really mean? I was discussing this with a friend, and we couldn't really figure out where the line was drawn for kinkiness.

I guess anything that makes sex less "vanilla" is kinky, but what is vanilla?

Is it things like wanting to dominate/be submissive, role play, talk dirty, cause/receive pain, anal, bondage, fetishes, etc, that'd all be kinky?

Or is that just normal sex???

Kinky is anything that you would not do on a regualr basis and would think twice about attempting.

 

[Eating_Scarlett]

We see this word get bandered about, but what does "kinky" really mean? I was discussing this with a friend, and we couldn't really figure out where the line was drawn for kinkiness.

I guess anything that makes sex less "vanilla" is kinky, but what is vanilla?

Is it things like wanting to dominate/be submissive, role play, talk dirty, cause/receive pain, anal, bondage, fetishes, etc, that'd all be kinky?

Or is that just normal sex???

Its all relative.