How to talk about depression

[cheekygirl75]

I've struggled with depression off and on for over 20 years now. I've talked to one friend a little bit about it, but no one else outside of therapists. I'm finally seeing a therapist that I think is really helping and have been for almost a year now.

I think I'm at a place where I want to let people close to me know what's going on, however every time I try to imagine the conversation, I can't. The only two ways I can think of describing what I'm going through is:

1) Saying, "I'm depressed", which I imagine they will take as me saying that I'm having a bad day or week or whatever, not that I've struggled daily to get out of bed for the last six months.

2) Saying, "I suffer from depression", which just sounds so melodramatic.

Anyone have any other ideas? I know there used to be a thread on here for people with depression, so have any of you had this conversation with people in your life and how did you do it? I'm also most worried about saying something to my family because they're generally of the opinion that I like to be dramatic anyway and that someone can't really be depressed unless they've had some major tragedy happen to them.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I've struggled with depression off and on for over 20 years now. I've talked to one friend a little bit about it, but no one else outside of therapists. I'm finally seeing a therapist that I think is really helping and have been for almost a year now.

I think I'm at a place where I want to let people close to me know what's going on, however every time I try to imagine the conversation, I can't. The only two ways I can think of describing what I'm going through is:

1) Saying, "I'm depressed", which I imagine they will take as me saying that I'm having a bad day or week or whatever, not that I've struggled daily to get out of bed for the last six months.

2) Saying, "I suffer from depression", which just sounds so melodramatic.

Anyone have any other ideas? I know there used to be a thread on here for people with depression, so have any of you had this conversation with people in your life and how did you do it? I'm also most worried about saying something to my family because they're generally of the opinion that I like to be dramatic anyway and that someone can't really be depressed unless they've had some major tragedy happen to them.

I would shy away from "I am depressed" statements as they denote an immediate sense, as in I am in the middle of a depressive episode.

I have found that simply saying "I am seeing a therapist and she/he is helping me to manage my depressive episodes" is usually sufficient.

As to saying something to your family. That is your call. I don't know what your family relationship is (whether you live at home, whether you are close to family or not, how much you guys are involved in each others' lives, etc) This might be something you should discuss with your therapist before you talk with your family as it appears to cause you some anxiety.

 

[LadyVer]

I've dealt with depression in the past but it's not something I want to discuss in depth because I''ve moved beyond it and it's not something I enjoy talking about, and everyone has their own way of handling the subject or dealing with it. Besides, after a few minutes of talking about it the subject itself becomes depressing. Like any health issue there's a time and place for discussing it. If there is a real need to bring it up with someone it's probably a good idea to keep it short and simple, but more than that it could be asking for more questions or judgement than is warranted, or more info from others that one doesn't really need to know or want to know...

 

[fire_breeze]

I've struggled with depression off and on for over 20 years now. I've talked to one friend a little bit about it, but no one else outside of therapists. I'm finally seeing a therapist that I think is really helping and have been for almost a year now.

I think I'm at a place where I want to let people close to me know what's going on, however every time I try to imagine the conversation, I can't. The only two ways I can think of describing what I'm going through is:

1) Saying, "I'm depressed", which I imagine they will take as me saying that I'm having a bad day or week or whatever, not that I've struggled daily to get out of bed for the last six months.

2) Saying, "I suffer from depression", which just sounds so melodramatic.

Anyone have any other ideas? I know there used to be a thread on here for people with depression, so have any of you had this conversation with people in your life and how did you do it? I'm also most worried about saying something to my family because they're generally of the opinion that I like to be dramatic anyway and that someone can't really be depressed unless they've had some major tragedy happen to them.

I am so sorry about your depression .

There has been amazing leaps and bounds in educating the public at the nature of depression, so most intelligent people realise that it's not the dumps, it's not something you can snap out of, but rather it's a condition in which there is a varied of help. I'm very glad that you found a path that helps you

When one of my closest friends told me that she suffers from depression, it came up naturally in our conversation (I think we were talking about a news event or something like that) and she told me very matter-factedly and openly. She was open to any questions, which I had plenty, and we had a very frank talk. She didn't pull a 'woe-me' or anything, she called it a condition, much like I have hypothyroidism, something that is not a big deal if it's controlled. She, personally, found that the more open she was with her depression, the more it helped her and she was able to educate and take away the stigma.

When I suffered from a rather bad bout of SAD, I knew that I could turn to her and she helped me. She could completely empathise with what I was going through, and she gave me some links. In fact, she's the one who suggested the happy lamp, which literally eased the symptoms tremendously.

You do suffer from depression, and it's not melodramatic. It's like telling a cancer patient that they aren't suffering. Sometimes, it's best to be straightforward. And who knows? You may even help someone who is silently suffering to seek help.

Best of luck on your journey

 

[NightL]

The biggest hurdle to dealing and coping with depression is a lack of knowledge - I am talking of the point of view from those around you. If they are not forewarned or offered some information for understanding they may well go down the path of "just get over it" etc That does not help you and it does not help them.

Your depression will have an impact on others. Don't shy away from that notion. The closer they are the bigger the impact. You actually have a responsibility to help them help you through these periods. In essence you have to educate them. If you don't - who is going to educate them? How do you feel when people respond negatively or with lack of compassion toward you when you are going through a rough spot?

If someone is close enough in your life to witness changes then "I just want to let you know - I go through these rough spots from time to time, please don't take it personally, it will not be your fault. It has been going on for about twenty years - so I'm kind of used to it. I always come out the other side and if I fall for a bit I will be back on board soon enough. Here is how you can assist me..."

That point I just made about coming out the other side - well you do - every time. If you acknowledge when you are slipping, by now you will know all the warning signs, also acknowledge to yourself that you are going on that journey again and you will lift again as you have done every single time.

While what I said may sound simplistic - I have been in a long term relationship with a partner who suffered from depression, at times severe - so when they started to accept the warning signs and provided a forewarning it was also an acceptance that all would come right again. Not going to shy away from it - at times it was distressing. For my point of view, knowing it was about to happen helped prepare me for the journey ahead and of course help in my ability to guide and care for that person.

As the years went by this person actually stopped getting scared - the unknown had become a familiar path. This actually helped them through these periods greatly and also helped them to separate the feelings created by the depression and just life events that can be a bummer from time to time. Previously they may have been dealt with something that would knock anyone around, then go into a panic that depression had set in again - the spiral.

So - I for one am a big supporter of you just being honest about it. Don't make a big deal of it. "This is what happens sometimes - I don't really like it - if it happens here is how you can assist - and it does not last". The important people in your life will still be there.

Honesty and openness.

 

[blulilacgrl]

You do suffer from depression, and it's not melodramatic. It's like telling a cancer patient that they aren't suffering. Sometimes, it's best to be straightforward. And who knows? You may even help someone who is silently suffering to seek help.

Best of luck on your journey

In my family we have always compared it to diabetes. Treatable and manageable but sometimes, no matter how hard and how well you monitor everything, you are going to have an episode. Just like a diabetic shouldn't beat themselves up for it, neither should someone who struggles with depression. You ride it out, get the help you need, and pick yourself up.

The one thing that I know has always helped me is that I have 2 people in my life who are my barometers. These are the people who know me well and can objectively tell me when I am getting a little manic (when my speech patterns increase, my energy patterns shift, my sleep patterns become off, etc.) Sometimes they can see those warning signs before I do. And when I am in a free fall, those are the two that can slow the descent a little.

The funny thing about depression (in this, it is a lot like cancer) you will be surprised at how many people it has affected either directly or through a family member.

 

[NippleMuncher]

The key to depression is to figure out what the triggers are and then deal with those triggers. If you can do that, you not only do not need medications, which I seriously question the necessity of anyway, you won't be depressed.

I have suffered from depression for the last 10 years. At times it has been debilitating, other times a mere annoyance. I know what has triggered my depression, the fight I wage now is to find the strength to move forward in dealing with the triggers.

What and how you tell your family will depend on your familial relationships. If you have a strong bond with your family, then there is no need for a formal discussion of the subject. You can simply guide the conversation in the general direction of depression, then casually mention that it is something you've been dealing with for a while now. If you do not have a strong and communicative relationship with your family, then there isn't much point of telling them anything. Just my thoughts.

 

[southern_gal]

If it helps you to talk about it then please do. Do not worry so much about how to word it because the people that are important to you will not be passing judgement anyway. They will want to know if you are getting better and how they can help. Like someone else said earlier there has been a lot of educating of the public about this terrible issue. My husband suffered with it a few years ago when he lost his job. My heart goes out to you and am truly glad to know that your therapy sessions are helping. Hopefully the good days will greatly out number the less than great days in your future.

 

[silverwhisper]

cheekygirl: i think blu makes some very good points re: how to broach the subject. the suggestion that you phrase it as "i'm seeing a therapist for the past year re: managing my depressive episodes" is much better IMV because it says that you're getting counseling and it's an ongoing matter. it says that you have clinical depression and that you're taking steps to manage it, which is really what you want to communicate, i would think.

i agree with nightl that there's likely to be an education element in the ensuing conversation.

i guess i don't have much new to add here other than to second those two things.

congratulations on the progress you're making!

ed

 

[GiggLeGasm]

a lot of what I've read here rings true regarding a friend I have who has had a very troubled life until she was finally appropriately diagnosed and treated.

I remember the day she finally shared with a group of us that she was being treated.. and it was like a weight had been lifted and we were all given permission to help her. There is a chance that your friends have recognized that you're not well.. but haven't known how to approach you with it. Acknowledging that it's a topic you're working on is a way of inviting them to support you during your journey.

The only caution I have is that, when you open the door, other people can bring unwanted guests to the party. There was one woman who tried a little too hard to be helpful and became obsessed with "how to help Mary."

I think it would have gone better if Mary knew ahead of time if she was asking for a shoulder to cry on.. or someone to distract her from that focus.. or just to explain previous behavior..
She is now better at saying, "that's ok.. I have a therapist.. I just need a friend for lunch!"

 

[MatthewVett]

All I can recommend is this comic: http://depressioncomix.tumblr.com/

The author has depression, and he does a pretty good job of conveying the experience. He might also be able to give some advice.

 

[drtyyoleman]

I have a very good female friend who has sufferred from severe depression for years.
She tried everything you can think of.
A couple of years ago she had a device implanted that gives her a shock at times.
She hasn't had a major bout with depression since and she's as happy as anyone I know.
GL

 

[Gaslamp_Society]

I highly recommend sharing with those that you feel safe around...and as much as one wants to have the support of family, sometimes existing family dynamics can be quite counterproductive...especially if there is a history of dysfunction in the family communicating healthily. So I suggest before you share with your intended audience, be sure to delineate ahead of time with your therapist as to what kind of support you would like from them...in order to avoid codependents who will try to fix you or beat themselves up in guilt because they fear it was their fault that you "are sad." Cheers.

 

[dougsan]

I have suffered from depression most of my adult life. The core reason, for me, is shame for my actions as a young person -- those done to me and those I did. As with most people suffering wit depression, my story is a long one and I will not bother the forum with the details.

My shrink has me on 240mg of cymbalta daily. It, for me, is a miracle drug. There are side effects, one being everything smells and tastes VERY different. And my creativity is all but lost. Tough side effects but most of the time I am not depressed.

 

[NightL]

dougsan - going back to the OP - what do you view has been the experience on those around you when you have told them?

Have you felt the need to tell people? If you have, what was the impact form that? Were they more understanding? Were they more supportive? Did discussing it with those close to you make it easier on you? Easier on them?

Have you been content in the manner you have told people? Have you offered any discussion on the impact this condition has on you? Have you offered advice on how they may help or indeed what you may wish from them?

Carers often feel completely helpless but so needing and wanting guidance. What can you offer from your experience that may help others who maybe journeying into this area, either as a sufferer or a carer?

I have expressed my personal views earlier in this thread as a carer but please offer further than just the medication you are on. I am not wanting to sound callous to your situation, but your input here may help many.

 

[1Browneyedguy]

the mind !

I've seen a Therapist... a few years ago... Not about depression.. I think you have to feel comfortable with whomever you decide to talk to.

Years ago, I was in a plane crash. I walked away. I was in my late teens and at the time it didn't bother me.. I flew lots of other times after that. Well right after 9/11 ( I'm in an area where several people I know were killed and many of my customers were lost as well) I had these nightmares that I was on one of those planes.
This went on for about a week. I saw a therapist.... and yes I'm fine now.

Best of luck to you

 

[NightL]

II think you have to feel comfortable with whomever you decide to talk to.

not that easy - what is comfortable - what is just being responsible? Sometimes being responsible may not be comfortable.

 

[fgarvb1]

Depression can be several things.

A State of mind.

A condition brought on by learned behaviors.

A chemical imbalance.

Be good to yourself and go find out which one or how many you suffer from.

 

[dougsan]

NightL, a lot of the background on my depression I haven't shared with anyone save for the two shrinks I've seen over the lasy VERY many years. My family learned of my depressiion with my second attempt at suicide. Their response was not positive. My parents were alive then. With my 3 brothers they said I wasn't sick, just feeling sorry for myself. So fuck them.

I have a strong need to open my being to someone other than a shrink. That is why I am in this forum. The root of some of my depression is sexual in nature. Therefore, SEX FORUM. One of the things all deeply depressed people learn is no one can help us. What a shrink offers to me is a period of tranquility. His office is currently the only place in the world where I can speak honestly about what is going through my mind and how I feel about everything, including what scares me.

My wife is the only person who knows even a little of what I'm hiding. She works untiringly to be a care giver but she has to fail because she doesn't know the secrets - the reality and cause behind the problem. She knows of the people who live with me, one of whom wants me to kill myself and, sometimes, her. She also knows of the couple who play music and argue loudly when I try to deal with my depression without my meds.

The only thing I can offer to other depressed people is my hand and heart. I know where they are and I know how futile their fight is. Meds can help a great deal. The latest "great drug" for depression is Cymbalta. How it works is it impacts the flow of electrical impulses to and within the brain. Why it works is a bit of a mystery. But it is proving to be excellent.

Talking to people whose compassion and "understanding" you trust, for me, is VERY important to hanging on but finding these people or person will not be easy because those of us who are deeply depressed have difficulty trusting (the secrets again).

We should all fully understand and tell ourselves all the time, depression is the manifestation of our inner problems. They cause the depression and they should be treated through confrontation and education. We all must also understand many of our "problems" can't be solved. You can't "solve" the problem of incest. How is anyone for whom incest is a problem suppose to "solve" the ugliness that follows them everywhere? You can't. All you can do is try to understand it (education) and in this way know IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.

Groups dedicated to supporting and assisting those with the problems that cause depression can be great if you can admit to your problem. Fellow incest survivors, for example, will not laugh at you or think you're dirty or think you are at all at fault. They know none of what happened was your fault. NONE OF IT.

Sorry this got so long. The topic is one which impacts my breathing.

Bright Skies and Rainbows

 

[dougsan]

NightL, a lot of the background on my depression I haven't shared with anyone save for the two shrinks I've seen over the lasy VERY many years. My family learned of my depressiion with my second attempt at suicide. Their response was not positive. My parents were alive then. With my 3 brothers they said I wasn't sick, just feeling sorry for myself. So fuck them.

I have a strong need to open my being to someone other than a shrink. That is why I am in this forum. The root of some of my depression is sexual in nature. Therefore, SEX FORUM. One of the things all deeply depressed people learn is no one can help us. What a shrink offers to me is a period of tranquility. His office is currently the only place in the world where I can speak honestly about what is going through my mind and how I feel about everything, including what scares me.

My wife is the only person who knows even a little of what I'm hiding. She works untiringly to be a care giver but she has to fail because she doesn't know the secrets - the reality and cause behind the problem. She knows of the people who live with me, one of whom wants me to kill myself and, sometimes, her. She also knows of the couple who play music and argue loudly when I try to deal with my depression without my meds.

The only thing I can offer to other depressed people is my hand and heart. I know where they are and I know how futile their fight is. Meds can help a great deal. The latest "great drug" for depression is Cymbalta. How it works is it impacts the flow of electrical impulses to and within the brain. Why it works is a bit of a mystery. But it is proving to be excellent. Talking to people whose compassion and "understanding" you trust, for me, is VERY important but finding these people or person will not be easy because those of us who are deeply depressed have difficulty trusting (the secrets again).

We should all fully understand and tell ourselves all the time, depression is the manifestation of our inner problems. They cause the depression and they should be treated through confrontation and education. We all must also understand many of our "problems" can't be solved. You can "solve" the problem of incest. How is anyone for whom incest is a problem suppose to "solve" the ugliness that follows them everywhere? You can't. All you can do is try to understand it (education) and this way know IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.

Sorry this got so long. The topic is one which impacts my breathing.

Bright Skies and Rainbows

 

[TildaS]

Not sure how helpful this will be but little steps with everything.

Little steps to telling people close to you / asking for help etc. I found as others have said trying to make it a general comment not saying 'I am......' so they don't panic and think you're only talking right now or last day or so. If they want to be there and helpful they will ask a few questions either straight away or in time and if not they will remember and be understanding but not feel pressured into anything. Found it gets people to their natural degree of understanding/interaction...... whatever. Sorry it's a subject I struggle to write clearly on xx

As for day to day it works too. If having a bad day a little step as much as walking to the cornershop to buy milk or post a letter can be cause for success or on good days doing extra things can become a self fullfilling trend and lead to more of the same. Listern to your body and mind and ride that wave of highs and lows accordingly.

Sex with the right person helps no end too but sex with the wrong person can be the complete worst during and after if having a bad day. Sometimes it's not the obvious people that this correlates too though

Oh and big hugs from me, well done for talking about it and seeking advise / discussion on the subject....... always helps us as well as you to be reminded there are millions of people going through similar (if never quite the same as think is very personal subject)

 

[Red_Kiss]

Depression is a very difficult road to walk sometimes and having the right support can be crucial. But not many people really 'get it' or understand the condition. That being said, I would look at this problem in these terms: who needs to know and what do they need to know. With some people you can be vague, with others you can be specific.
I agree with others here that framing it as a medical problem is the least dramatic way to bring it up. (And truly, that's what depression is, a medical problem just like diabetes or hypertension.) I think if you point out that from time to time things will be rough because you're not feeling well or medications are being tweaked, it should be easy for them to understand. Then tell your friend what you may need from them when it happens, such as them spending more time with you or mentioning if your behavior is different. (This of course means that YOU must know coping strategies so you can tell them what works.)

 

[cheekygirl75]

Thanks

I know I kind of abandoned this thread after the first post, but unfortunately, the depression is immediate right now so many things have become a struggle. I would love to take the time to reply to each post, but that's going to take awhile. But I do want to say a big thank you to everyone for the advice and sharing your stories. It does help just to know that I'm not alone in this. What dougsan said really struck me, because a lot of the issue is having kept it a secret for so long and finding it really hard to trust people.

And I really appreciate all of the thoughtful replies. I still don't know if I'm ready to take the step of talking about it, though it is something I've talked to my therapist a lot about, but reading all of your replies helped me realize something very important. I have two very strong urges when it comes to possibly talking about it: one, to find those people that will understand and give me support if needed and two, to tell my family something about why I have essentially cut off communication with them unless they're threatening to come to my job to make sure I'm still alive so that they can stop with the veiled (or sometimes very not veiled) hints that I am just being a self-centered bitch. (No, unfortunately, I don't think my parents and sister would be in the understanding and supportive camp.)

So thanks again to everyone. Someone else PM'd me with another thoughtful (I need to find a synonym for that!) reply and as I told him - it's funny that I posted almost this same exact question on a forum for mental health issues and didn't get half as thoughtful and supportive replies as I did here.

I hope everyone who is having or has had similar problems is doing well tonight and keeps going that way.

 

[NightL]

(No, unfortunately, I don't think my parents and sister would be in the understanding and supportive camp.)

I have been going on about communication lately here at Literotica or the lack of it in some cases with partners and loved ones. OK - it frustrates me that those who can easily and should follow that mantra of just talking and listening choose not to while I acknowledge it can be very difficult in the circumstances particular to this thread.

cheekygirl75 I urge you to try and communicate with your parents and sister. Maybe get someone to advocate on your behalf. If you do get someone to communicate for you, make sure it is not someone who they will dismiss.

I am not a professional, but someone who has been a carer to someone I loved dearly. I watched my partner struggle with this issue as well, as I did, and their family members. In the circumstances you mentioned about parents, sister and shutting away, start with "this is how I feel... when I believe you are accusing me of... it makes me feel...". So try to keep it to "I" as much as possible, through their naivety they may view a "you" as threatening. For my part I gathered up pamphlets and reading material (based on advice from the professionals involved). Firstly this was for my own education, then I distributed some of these along with educational websites to family members. It helped.

Often those who are close feel threatened that they may be accused of being held responsible for a suffer's depression, even if it is through lack of their own action, and just want it to all go away.

Communication and education does help everyone. cheekygirl75, if you wish your parents and sister understood and acted differently then please find a way for them to get the information they need. I suspect they are just scared and feel helpless. They don't have to be scared and they may be of great help even if it is as little as stopping the "get over it" attitude.

I wish you well.

 

[NightL]

Talking to people whose compassion and "understanding" you trust, for me, is VERY important but finding these people or person will not be easy because those of us who are deeply depressed have difficulty trusting.

thank you for replying - my selective quote is by no means wanting to diminish your post. I just want to highlight the importance of communication and yes acknowledge the difficulty.

"she has to fail because she doesn't know the secrets" Your wife is not failing - she cares and that is very important. To others (not you dougsan, you already know), to care will never solve or cure but will offer support, comfort and most importantly hope.

Wishing Bright Skies and Rainbows to all