How to talk about depression

[Athalia]

The key to depression is to figure out what the triggers are and then deal with those triggers. If you can do that, you not only do not need medications, which I seriously question the necessity of anyway, you won't be depressed.

I have suffered from depression for the last 10 years. At times it has been debilitating, other times a mere annoyance. I know what has triggered my depression, the fight I wage now is to find the strength to move forward in dealing with the triggers.

I agree with most of the above except the second sentence. It is true that many types of clinical depression are activated by triggers which can be identified and dealt with, many other types are not. All the reading I've done on the subject has convinced me that there are many, many types of mental illness which fall under the label of "clinical depression, and that no regimen of treatment works for all of them.

You could put me in the former category. Due to sexual abuse as a teenager, I've had spells of depression. Like you, I was able to identify triggers and recognize them for what they are, but I know many other people whom I met in the course of counseling that did not have that experience. For them, medication is a necessity ... and also a roller-coaster, because the meds work great until one day they don't, and adjustments have to be made from time to time. These people are my heroes. They don't give up, and I'm proud to say that I'm their friend.

One last thing: If you use the term "depression," make it clear that you're not talking about the down-in-the-dumps feelings that are triggered in people by grief or high stress or whatever, but a different animal entirely ... as different as "being tired" is from suffering Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The phrase "clinical depression" was coined to highlight this difference, but some people still don't comprehend the distinction.

 

[dougsan]

NightL, none of the people around me understand what is driving me to suicide (two serious attempts). In fact most find it to be a one more difficulty in their lives. I have a FWB who is travelling the same road. She and I kick each other in the ass when the depression starts to grow too strong. I have had one shrink who truly understood where my departing mind lives. Sadly, he has passed away. Probably my best friend and pillar of support was Richard. He died of AIDS, and the world shuddered. There is a supporting wife. She thinks depression is a weakness of character. I do believe she thinks less of me because of the illness. But she does her absolute best to prop me up. And that is what I need from her.

The causes of my depression are rooted in incest, pedophilia and violence. The full details behind those ugly words I have only shared with three people, my FWB and two shrinks. My current shrink who has had most of the details dropped in his lap is confused and stuck for direction.

There are times when I am certain I will give in to one of the voices and .............. but I am not that ugly. I will continue in strength.

If you were to meet me you would know I have movement disorders and lack energy but you would not know about the ugliness right beneath the surface. If the ugliness gets too close to the surface, I take seroquel which keeps everything together.

This is getting too long and too thinly veiled, sorry. But this forum and one other to a much lesser extent are safe places for me. I am comfortable enough to talk a little bit about the hidden me which is a reason to rejoice. Really, rejoice. I don't hide who I am. I don't use a pseudonym. I try to let this small group of people into me a little bit -- to see that people who aren't as healthy as others have sex, want to joke, enjoy others of both sexes, are REALLY normal in so many ways. The acceptance I get from this forum, both directly Chelle, and indirectly is so very wonderful I can't describe it.

 

[njlauren]

Dougsan-

I cannot in one sense begin to imagine what you went through personally, I had my own crap to deal with, but fortunately nothing that bad. However, I know more then a bit about it, my sweetie was the victim of incest/rape by her father, that lasted most of her adolescence, and it was especially horrible in the way it was done, and I saw up close the damage it caused. I wish I could offer a specific for you, in my sweetie's case it was bad enough that she had blanked it out (and before some hummerdinger on here gives me the crap about how then it didn't happen, etc, the whole Fox News idea of therapy, stick it......you weren't there when it came out using some tough techniques, you didn't have to literally pick someone up and practically carry them, and then nurse them back to some semblance of normalcy..nor did you experience, as I did, the side reactions, like making love to her and having her practically go catatonic, or out of control...). While I can't claim that there is a magic treatment or what worked for her will work for you, but keep plugging away at it, that pain can be made, if not to go away, to be manageable. I don't know if you talked to your wife about this, and I know how hard that must be, but to be honest, unless your wife is totally off the deep end, speaking as the partner of someone who had been abused, there is no lack of respect, no idea you are weak, far from it. Unless she has had her head under a rock someplace, I think she will recognize what I did, that someone who has gone through what you did is one of the bravest people out there, for getting out of bed each day and putting one foot in front of the other. Among other things, from what I know from talking to other survivors of that kind of shit (not victims, survivors) and their partners, having the person closest to you in your corner is huge, especially since otherwise we don't have a clue what is going on, why the person we love is not acting right, or in the bedroom, is either shut off or reacts negatively...helps them understand and also lets them know what you need. I understand how hard it is to talk about, my sweetie still refuses to talk about it with anyone, there is still shame there
In terms of treatment, what worked for my sweetie was a damn good therapist and a kind of treatment for PTSD called EMDR...there are other forms of CBT (not cock and ball torture, sicklings, cognitive behavior therapy that supposedly help, all I can say about EMDR is that if it works with the patient, it seems to work like a sledgehammer, you get a lot done fast, I saw that (I used it for some of my own stuff as well).

Keep up the fight, there is hope. After seeing what my sweetie went through, our therapist told me that I had to expect that given how bad it was, that there was going to be a lot of things affected, likely for our entire time together, but i can tell you it may have taken more then a few years, but healing can happen, in ways I never thought would

For the OP, in terms of talking about depression, my own experience is the old needs test, which is does the person have a reason to know, is it relevant? If it is someone I deal with closely, then yes, I will talk about it, in part so they understand if I hit a wall or whatever, it isn't about them. There are also people I tell who are my support base, who know what to say, who know how to listen. The thing about talking about it I found, when I was dealing with the horrors my sweetie had laid upon her plus my own stuff, was that in talking about it it no longer was as scary for me, naming it and not being afraid to talk about it made it a lot easier to fight, whether it was sharing the pain of trying to help put my love back together as she was being unravelled in therapy, or my own issues. I think people know a lot more about depression these days, and it makes it easier to talk about in my experience.

 

[NightL]

Hi dougsan

This is not directly to you, but touches on many things you have written and even if one person can take something positive away hopefully they can share that with people in their lives.

I want to stress that when I have encouraged to communicate and educate I would never suggest anyone open up totally unless they felt their environment was ready for it. I do though believe it is important that family members and those who are close get what ever information they can in order that they may appreciate the sufferer's journey.

I suppose the biggest obstacle to overcome is for non-suffers to realise that their logic can not be imposed, especially if it fundamentally clashes with the logic of the sufferer. It was a learning curve for me as well and I made mistakes. "The sun is shining, why can't you see it!" just does not really work. So to those who are reading this thread who are struggling with understanding someone with depression - first thing is to stop trying to impose your values. Those values may well feel as foreign to the sufferer as eating dog poo would be for you. A sufferer may well have a totally different thought process than you and to be honest you will never know what it is like so don't don't don't tell someone what to think. You could do far more harm then you realise. Of course if they don't follow your imposed logic and you get frustrated with them you have now just become part of their problem.

I will continue to address the care givers. Ask questions, if a person has been formally diagnosed, ask what their condition is. Depression is not a uniform diagnoses, there are very many variations and obviously levels to which someone suffers. Educate yourself as much as possible on the actual condition the person is suffering from. For goodness please put some common sense as to where you get your information from. Scientology is not going to be a good place to start. Ask the person you care for to get informational pamphlets or recommended websites from their psychologist/psychiatrist. Don't play lay-professional, you are not trained and don't even go near there. Your role is to offer comfort and respect. Allow a space where the sufferer feels free from judgement and can be just themselves. At the worse situation it can get scary as fuck, but then think what it must be like for them. The most important thing to remember is that they will get out the other side. When they do, no matter how extreme things may have got, they will remember the support you gave them through those times. When it next happens it may be just a little easier.

The unknown is scary, scary for the sufferer and scary for the carer. What repeats gets known. What is known is less scary. Over time a person who is falling may just go "Oh fuck, here we go again" but will realise the patterns and know the time durations. This understanding will help everyone involved.

So please don't play doctor, leave that to those who have trained up to ten years. It is not your role to tweak out the cause. If the sufferer wants to talk about it, let them to what ever level they feel comfortable with. Don't push and probe.

Here is something to consider regarding different perspectives of logic. This is an exceedingly simplistic view and example, so I apologise first. Imagine that every fibre of your body understands 2+2=4. You can even visualise it, apply every amount of logic to it, it is what it is. Then suddenly everyone around you starts saying "come on get over yourself 2+2=3". Every time you try to defend yourself you feel you are being put down. Those who you have trusted seem to be turning on you. How would you react? Please don't tell someone they are imagining things. Their depression to them is as real as well 2+2 actually equalling 4.

The right professional help is like finding the right medication. It is highly unlikely the first attempt will be the right fit. It may take trialling many professionals as it may take trialling different medications and quantities. Then one good night on the booze can stuff the balance up for weeks.

dougsan - are you still here - my partner got to the stage where she was having two attempts per year - over many years. Eventually the unknown became known and she feared less. While our relationship didn't make the journey, in her case her medications are now finally down to a low dose antidepressant. She has a beautiful son to a new partner. We remain the best of friends to this day and I know we will for the rest of our lives. I don't regret a single day of out time together. She is one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever known.

 

[NightL]

The acceptance I get from this forum, both directly Chelle, and indirectly is so very wonderful I can't describe it.

...for you and for so many of us as well

 

[123Josh]

"I've been dealing with Depression" is always the best way to say it.

 

[MsQuote]

I basically keep my conversations about depression limited to people to who have gone through it or have been supportive of a family member/spouse/significant other who has/had depression. I've found those conversations to be the most helpful.

I don't bother discussing it with my parents, brother and sister. They're of the mind that depression isn't a real medical issue. They're either told me, it's a crutch or "It's too uncomfortable for me to talk about it." ... even when I've been on the verge of suicide. I've even been told that they've talked about "my behavior" while I had been in outpatient treatment. After many years, I've given up on them having any kind of empathy or understanding of what I've gone through and I don't expect them to change their minds or attitudes. It just isn't going to happen. While I'm often disappointed by this, I've learned to value the people who have really been there during these times the most.

 

[njlauren]

I basically keep my conversations about depression limited to people to who have gone through it or have been supportive of a family member/spouse/significant other who has/had depression. I've found those conversations to be the most helpful.

I don't bother discussing it with my parents, brother and sister. They're of the mind that depression isn't a real medical issue. They're either told me, it's a crutch or "It's too uncomfortable for me to talk about it." ... even when I've been on the verge of suicide. I've even been told that they've talked about "my behavior" while I had been in outpatient treatment. After many years, I've given up on them having any kind of empathy or understanding of what I've gone through and I don't expect them to change their minds or attitudes. It just isn't going to happen. While I'm often disappointed by this, I've learned to value the people who have really been there during these times the most.

Sounds like your family and mine were cut from the same piece of cloth. When I got into treatment and looking back I realized that when I hit high school I was battling major depression, I was sleeping way too much, didn't want to do much, didn't want to go to school, and basically what I got from them was I was just being lazy *sigh*...when I got into treatment for it as an adult, and mentioned this to my father, that why the hell they didn't try and get me help, and he was like 'there was nothing wrong with you, you just needed a kick in the ass"....he came damn close to dying, I had a pretty heavy hammer in my hand at the time.....they'll make fun of the idea, say it is all psychobabble, then be all non plussed when a friend or loved one kills themselves...*sigh*

 

[Primalex]

1) Saying, "I'm depressed", which I imagine they will take as me saying that I'm having a bad day or week or whatever, not that I've struggled daily to get out of bed for the last six months.

2) Saying, "I suffer from depression", which just sounds so melodramatic.

Why do you need to use the term "depression" at all?


You are in treatment, they are working on it, sometimes you are even too weak to leave the bed, ...

And..why bother with the truth anyway, if you want to get a point across? Truth is overrated. If you are suicidal:"Sometimes I feel so much pain that I would rather kill myself to get over it, seriously."