How to show Dom what I need?

[Raingirl85]

Hello, I in my first official D/s relationship. In the past I have had Dominant and kinky partners but there were no rules or labels or structure. So the relationship side of this is new for me, even though most of the sex acts are not. If that makes sense?

My Dom is absolutely incredible, but I feel he is going easy on me. The relationship is only a few weeks old, and he knows I have not been in this formally before. I fantasize about him being much rougher with me- I want him to slap my face and breasts during sex, spank harder, squeeze my neck etc. Should I just request what I want straight up? Or wait and give him time to feel ready taking things a bit harder?

TIA.

 

[midwestyankee]

Hello, I in my first official D/s relationship. In the past I have had Dominant and kinky partners but there were no rules or labels or structure. So the relationship side of this is new for me, even though most of the sex acts are not. If that makes sense?

My Dom is absolutely incredible, but I feel he is going easy on me. The relationship is only a few weeks old, and he knows I have not been in this formally before. I fantasize about him being much rougher with me- I want him to slap my face and breasts during sex, spank harder, squeeze my neck etc. Should I just request what I want straight up? Or wait and give him time to feel ready taking things a bit harder?

TIA.

I'm a firm believer that neither I nor my partner can read minds. Therefore, I think it's important in EVERY relationship to regularly step away from the day-to-day stuff and take stock together of how things are going. When this discussion happens in a neutral we're-in-this-together-so-let's-do-what-we-can-to-keep-improving-it mode, it's easier to prevent taking things personally. This is the perfect time to point out that you're open to even rougher play than has happened so far.

 

[Calliesdad2010]

I think you should just be honest and tell him what you want....

I'm sure that he would be happy

 

[Raingirl85]

Okay, thank you. As I am still partially in the closet with some of my darker desires, part of me still fears judgement when giving voice to what I want. I know rationally that he would be the last person to judge, because he has shared things with me that are very in line with my own preferences. But for the past several years I was with someone who was downright disgusted by some of my fantasies and that experience has taken a tole.

 

[Primalex]

My Dom is absolutely incredible, but I feel he is going easy on me. The relationship is only a few weeks old, and he knows I have not been in this formally before. I fantasize about him being much rougher with me- I want him to slap my face and breasts during sex, spank harder, squeeze my neck etc. Should I just request what I want straight up? Or wait and give him time to feel ready taking things a bit harder?

I doubt that waiting will solve anything.

There is no need to express your wishes in a clinical conversation of your preferences though. Most guys will pick up on certain clues (well, in the bedroom when it is about sex, not so much when it is about the laundry).

 

[Witchybug]

I am 44 and have been into BDSM since I was 19 and married to my husband for 6 years. We have a beautiful Master/Slave relationship developing (he's a natural Master) and are 24/7er's....I understand how you feel as there times I wish we could take it farther *now* but that is also my impatience...we were agreeing the other day about the beauty of just letting it unfold, to a certain degree and not pushing the other. Communication is key....How about filling in a bdsm questionnaire together? That gets conversation going!

 

[SpunThings]

Hello, I in my first official D/s relationship. In the past I have had Dominant and kinky partners but there were no rules or labels or structure. So the relationship side of this is new for me, even though most of the sex acts are not. If that makes sense?

My Dom is absolutely incredible, but I feel he is going easy on me. The relationship is only a few weeks old, and he knows I have not been in this formally before. I fantasize about him being much rougher with me- I want him to slap my face and breasts during sex, spank harder, squeeze my neck etc. Should I just request what I want straight up? Or wait and give him time to feel ready taking things a bit harder?

TIA.

There's the possibility that he's not into it being rougher, so it would never ramp up like you like. Everyone is different. Definitely bring it up.

 

[amofiga]

You must be open about what you want. If you want him to push you limits, tell him. HOWEVER, you also have to define your limits and provide for a safe exit in any scene. You have to remember, a dom carries a bit responsibility. He's the one who has to keep himself in control while controlling you. You trust him to take you to the edge. However, you also trust him not to go beyond your limits that only you can sense. For it to work as well as possible, it's like walking a tightrope.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Sit him down and tell him.
Don't leave him guessing what your needs and wants are. Chances are your conversation will go a whole hell of a lot better if you don't wait till you're head down and ass up to say it.

Men will usually pick up on clues when it comes to sex, but that's not always the case. I've met a few people who were denser than fruitcake. An upfront, honest, before-you-get-down-to-it, conversation is in order.

Good luck.

 

[Lord Crimson]

You must be open about what you want. If you want him to push you limits, tell him. HOWEVER, you also have to define your limits and provide for a safe exit in any scene. You have to remember, a dom carries a bit responsibility. He's the one who has to keep himself in control while controlling you. You trust him to take you to the edge. However, you also trust him not to go beyond your limits that only you can sense. For it to work as well as possible, it's like walking a tightrope.

Like another poster added, He's not a mind reader - I'm sure he can read your body movements, positions and reactions - but often times Verbal Communication is the BEST.

LC

 

[Raingirl85]

Thanks to everyone who replied. I did get up the nerve to tell my Dom very frankly what I wanted and he was very receptive and eager to explore rougher play with me. Turns out he has experience with this but said it would have been irresponsible to just start doing those things to me without first gaining consent and discussing limits. So it looks like we are happily on the same page!

 

[Witchybug]

Congrats, way to go