Howdy all, I've lurked around here for about 2 months now and think that the vast majority of you are great folks. I'm sorry that my first post is to ask for help as opposed to offering it, but I could really use a hand....
The story thus far.
When I was very young my parents fought a lot and ended up divorcing. It happens, no problems there. For the duration of my time with my Mother and Sister, fighting was the rule not the exception. Nasty stuff too, if one of us were injured you could make DAMN sure that we'd injure you in return.
So I turn about 17 have all the usual bullshit dating behind me and find a girl (Lola) that is great. She loves me, she's intelligent and we don't fight. (Tangential note she was my ex's best friend and I was trying to set her up with a good friend of mine. She got me and he got her and all was well). I get to thinking that things are going pretty well, she's not the most independent woman I've ever met, but I've always loved lending a helping hand. We date through the end of high school and I join the Marines. I miss her, she misses me, and I develop SEVERE stress fractures that won't heal correctly. Six months later we're back together and proceed to go about getting on with the random break ups and bullshit that accompany young love.
Here's where things go south. One of my roommates (Anne) at the time hooks me up with her friend as a rebound chick (Sarah). Fireworks! Crazy, extreme, take your breath away, can't eat/sleep/function without her, fireworks ensue. What I didn't know at the time was this was how love was supposed to be. So of course I still have feelings for the far less hot-tempered and slightly more attractive ex. So I cheat on Sarah the first time. Bizarrely enough she forgives me and after a couple of months we make another go of it. I cheat on her again (if you haven't figured out I'm an idiot/asshole by now I'll clarify... I am). Sarah doesn't know about the second time yet and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about the situation when fate steps in and my male roommate finds out. And tells her as part of his master plan to convince her to be with him. Hilarity ensues, I find a new place to live and.... she forgives me AGAIN!! The caveat this time being that we're done dating.
OK, no sex (which wasn't all that fantastic for a variety of reasons that WEREN'T her fault), but we still spend a LOT of time together. Sarah goes to college eighty miles away and I spend three or four nights a week driving up there to hang out with her, sleep on the floor and beat rush hour back to my job. She's of course flattered and bemused by the attention.
Lola and I get back together and separate on and off during this period of time and finally Sarah moves back to town permanently. By now I've moved into a townhouse with a buddy of mine (Roy). At some point I realize that Sarah has feelings for Roy and try to be cool with it. Then they hookup and I move the fuck out. I have one of the most mean-spirited conversations in HISTORY with Sarah in the next few days, totally just shredding her. (Refer to the earlier asshole comment). She insists that I can't just walk out of her life and can't understand that I can't handle being a part of it. Things are awkward but we sail in the same social waters so we try and be functional.
About two months later I'm on vacation with Lola (dating at this point) and a bunch of friends including Anne (remember Anne, this is a song about Anne [Arlo reference]). Roy calls me and informs me that Sarah's mother has passed away and that Anne and I would be requested at the viewing. So the two of us FLY up from the beach to go to the viewing. I'm there hugging Sarah, holding her and trying to comfort her as much as I can.
Flash forward a week and I run into the two of them at a party. I give a tentative wave that she utterly ignores. Ok, I'll play it loose and give her space. I try and stay out of the crosshairs but she catches me leaving to smoke and says: "Look who's trying to avoid me!". I mumble something and carry on. I don't see Sarah for four years. I find out that she thinks that my appearance at the viewing was just for appearance sake.
Fine let her hate me. I deserve it and maybe it makes it easier for her to have a focus for her anger. I lose all of my friends from that group and have to have surreptitious lunches with her husband to even keep touch. I miss weddings, including hers, and damn near every other bit of news and merry making. Just before my wedding to Lola, we run into each other at a party. She decides that everything is fine and that now we're going to be the best of friends again.
I'm sorry, it'd been four years without so much as a "Hi, how're you doing", I was pissed. But I missed my friends and her husband (Roy) and I were still good friends. They come to my wedding and we avoid each other and talk only when we have to.
For the next year and a half slowly things got easier again. I saw her with the group and football Sundays two or three times a week. She and my wife, who'd been loose high school friends, proceed to be amused by Roy's and my antics and all is well with the world.
Then I got hit in the middle of the night. Woke up, couldn't sleep and couldn't figure out why my stomach hurt so much. So I'm still in love with Sarah and not my wife. She still thinks (accurately) that I'm an asshole. I tell her I'm still in love with her and need to spend time away to clear my head. She says the same thing she said years ago, "I don't want to lose my friend". I explain to her that I can't be this much in love with her and be near her. I can't function this way. I'm pathetic enough that each time her husband speaks ill of her, I say nothing and cringe. When he cheats on her (not consistently) I say nothing to anyone and wrestle my conscience.
She says to me one day, as I'm drunk and pouring my guts out about how much in love with her I am, and how I've fucked up both mine and Lola's life: "Lots of people are in love and content".
Fuck that. I reject that as a possible reality. Twice I've been in love, once Sarah and once before Lola. The girl before Lola left me, no discussion. I ruined my chance with Sarah, no discussion. But both times I can say this. When either walked into a room, my heart skipped a beat. Whenever I looked into her eyes, it took my breath away.
We're not talking puppy love either. Seven years later, every time I see her my teeth hurt.
So I'm planning on getting my wife out of college (PhD) and getting her employed, and then slipping away to a different state for about six months.
If you've taken the time to read my tale of woe I appreciate it. I know that I'm the victim of my own devising. I'm just not sure how to make it right, make everyone as happy as they can be, and not end up drinking my self to death.
Any thoughts or tips appreciated
(Names changed to protect the innocent)
The story thus far.
When I was very young my parents fought a lot and ended up divorcing. It happens, no problems there. For the duration of my time with my Mother and Sister, fighting was the rule not the exception. Nasty stuff too, if one of us were injured you could make DAMN sure that we'd injure you in return.
So I turn about 17 have all the usual bullshit dating behind me and find a girl (Lola) that is great. She loves me, she's intelligent and we don't fight. (Tangential note she was my ex's best friend and I was trying to set her up with a good friend of mine. She got me and he got her and all was well). I get to thinking that things are going pretty well, she's not the most independent woman I've ever met, but I've always loved lending a helping hand. We date through the end of high school and I join the Marines. I miss her, she misses me, and I develop SEVERE stress fractures that won't heal correctly. Six months later we're back together and proceed to go about getting on with the random break ups and bullshit that accompany young love.
Here's where things go south. One of my roommates (Anne) at the time hooks me up with her friend as a rebound chick (Sarah). Fireworks! Crazy, extreme, take your breath away, can't eat/sleep/function without her, fireworks ensue. What I didn't know at the time was this was how love was supposed to be. So of course I still have feelings for the far less hot-tempered and slightly more attractive ex. So I cheat on Sarah the first time. Bizarrely enough she forgives me and after a couple of months we make another go of it. I cheat on her again (if you haven't figured out I'm an idiot/asshole by now I'll clarify... I am). Sarah doesn't know about the second time yet and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about the situation when fate steps in and my male roommate finds out. And tells her as part of his master plan to convince her to be with him. Hilarity ensues, I find a new place to live and.... she forgives me AGAIN!! The caveat this time being that we're done dating.
OK, no sex (which wasn't all that fantastic for a variety of reasons that WEREN'T her fault), but we still spend a LOT of time together. Sarah goes to college eighty miles away and I spend three or four nights a week driving up there to hang out with her, sleep on the floor and beat rush hour back to my job. She's of course flattered and bemused by the attention.
Lola and I get back together and separate on and off during this period of time and finally Sarah moves back to town permanently. By now I've moved into a townhouse with a buddy of mine (Roy). At some point I realize that Sarah has feelings for Roy and try to be cool with it. Then they hookup and I move the fuck out. I have one of the most mean-spirited conversations in HISTORY with Sarah in the next few days, totally just shredding her. (Refer to the earlier asshole comment). She insists that I can't just walk out of her life and can't understand that I can't handle being a part of it. Things are awkward but we sail in the same social waters so we try and be functional.
About two months later I'm on vacation with Lola (dating at this point) and a bunch of friends including Anne (remember Anne, this is a song about Anne [Arlo reference]). Roy calls me and informs me that Sarah's mother has passed away and that Anne and I would be requested at the viewing. So the two of us FLY up from the beach to go to the viewing. I'm there hugging Sarah, holding her and trying to comfort her as much as I can.
Flash forward a week and I run into the two of them at a party. I give a tentative wave that she utterly ignores. Ok, I'll play it loose and give her space. I try and stay out of the crosshairs but she catches me leaving to smoke and says: "Look who's trying to avoid me!". I mumble something and carry on. I don't see Sarah for four years. I find out that she thinks that my appearance at the viewing was just for appearance sake.
Fine let her hate me. I deserve it and maybe it makes it easier for her to have a focus for her anger. I lose all of my friends from that group and have to have surreptitious lunches with her husband to even keep touch. I miss weddings, including hers, and damn near every other bit of news and merry making. Just before my wedding to Lola, we run into each other at a party. She decides that everything is fine and that now we're going to be the best of friends again.
I'm sorry, it'd been four years without so much as a "Hi, how're you doing", I was pissed. But I missed my friends and her husband (Roy) and I were still good friends. They come to my wedding and we avoid each other and talk only when we have to.
For the next year and a half slowly things got easier again. I saw her with the group and football Sundays two or three times a week. She and my wife, who'd been loose high school friends, proceed to be amused by Roy's and my antics and all is well with the world.
Then I got hit in the middle of the night. Woke up, couldn't sleep and couldn't figure out why my stomach hurt so much. So I'm still in love with Sarah and not my wife. She still thinks (accurately) that I'm an asshole. I tell her I'm still in love with her and need to spend time away to clear my head. She says the same thing she said years ago, "I don't want to lose my friend". I explain to her that I can't be this much in love with her and be near her. I can't function this way. I'm pathetic enough that each time her husband speaks ill of her, I say nothing and cringe. When he cheats on her (not consistently) I say nothing to anyone and wrestle my conscience.
She says to me one day, as I'm drunk and pouring my guts out about how much in love with her I am, and how I've fucked up both mine and Lola's life: "Lots of people are in love and content".
Fuck that. I reject that as a possible reality. Twice I've been in love, once Sarah and once before Lola. The girl before Lola left me, no discussion. I ruined my chance with Sarah, no discussion. But both times I can say this. When either walked into a room, my heart skipped a beat. Whenever I looked into her eyes, it took my breath away.
We're not talking puppy love either. Seven years later, every time I see her my teeth hurt.
So I'm planning on getting my wife out of college (PhD) and getting her employed, and then slipping away to a different state for about six months.
If you've taken the time to read my tale of woe I appreciate it. I know that I'm the victim of my own devising. I'm just not sure how to make it right, make everyone as happy as they can be, and not end up drinking my self to death.
Any thoughts or tips appreciated
(Names changed to protect the innocent)
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