How to make people laugh
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MagicFingers
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a tale of giving!
Another great children's sermon-a tale of giving!
For animal lovers: The Vet's Mother...
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her.
Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does
he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says.
Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
Thanks for the Pics, Wizard!
Another great children's sermon-a tale of giving!
For animal lovers: The Vet's Mother...
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity approached her.
Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does
he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says.
Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
Thanks for the Pics, Wizard!
MagicFingers
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The Gender Machine
Shows the difference between men and women.
Shows the difference between men and women.
Wizard
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Subject: Horse Racing
A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.
MagicFingers
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Nice Wizard
*** WARNING: NEW VIRUS ALERT - BADTIMES v2.1 ***
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately.
Do not open it . This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your Sprite.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporate undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows98 or XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing
it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
*** WARNING: NEW VIRUS ALERT - BADTIMES v2.1 ***
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately.
Do not open it . This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your Sprite.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporate undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows98 or XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing
it to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
midwestyankee
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Re: Nice Wizard
I looked this one up in Norton AV and found that if you just wait things out, it will go away to college and your only problem then will be to pay the tuition bills.
MagicFingers said:
I looked this one up in Norton AV and found that if you just wait things out, it will go away to college and your only problem then will be to pay the tuition bills.
MagicFingers
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Re: Re: Nice Wizard
I have this to look forward to in a few years!
(Too few!)
LOLmidwestyankee said:
I have this to look forward to in a few years!
(Too few!)
Wizard
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FIND INNER PEACE
FIND INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start summer we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and WildTurkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel....
FIND INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start summer we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and WildTurkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel....
MagicFingers
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My birthday's tomorrow
A female friend is taking me out for dinner! Woo Hoo!
Another friend said to tell her this:
Just tell her that in spite of your age, you're still built like a new-born baby........
9 pounds, 18 inches.
A female friend is taking me out for dinner! Woo Hoo!
Another friend said to tell her this:
Just tell her that in spite of your age, you're still built like a new-born baby........
9 pounds, 18 inches.
MagicFingers
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One-liners from famous people
Come on people! Doesn't anyone have any new jokes out there?
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger
Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy
Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life" Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
George Burns
Come on people! Doesn't anyone have any new jokes out there?
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger
Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" Billy
Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life" Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
George Burns
most of you probably gonna find this fucked up, but some might actually sort of, kind of, not really enjoy it.
A guy gets a call from the hospital that his wife was in a terrible car accident. The man is told that his wife will not be able to walk again, and he will have to take care of her. He will have to feed her, dress her, be with her, feed her, and clean her.
The man falls to his knees crying and worrying about his wife.
The doctor giggles a little bit, and says "I'm just kidding man, don't worry, she's dead"
A guy gets a call from the hospital that his wife was in a terrible car accident. The man is told that his wife will not be able to walk again, and he will have to take care of her. He will have to feed her, dress her, be with her, feed her, and clean her.
The man falls to his knees crying and worrying about his wife.
The doctor giggles a little bit, and says "I'm just kidding man, don't worry, she's dead"
ReadyOne
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Three pregnant women: a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were all sitting in the doctor's office one day.
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," asked the blonde, "how can you know that?"
"Well," explained the redhead, I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
"I'm glad this one will be a boy." announced the redhead.
"But," asked the blonde, "how can you know that?"
"Well," explained the redhead, I conceived during the male dominant position."
"Yes," agreed the brunette, "and my baby will be a girl because I conceived during the female dominant position."
With that the blonde burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the other two ladies.
To which the blonde wailed, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
ReadyOne
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
ABN_Ranger
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Angus MacDuggan is looking for a wife... he starts dating Mary... after about two weeks of dating they go far a walk, Angus takes Mary behind a barn and raises his kilt.
"Mary... do ye know what this is?"
Mary smiles and replies,
"Aye Angus... tis yer cock."
Angus shakes his head and lowers his kilt,
"Ach Mary... Ah can'na marry ya... yer too vulger."
A month later... he's dating Rachel, when he takes her behind the same barn and raises his kilt for her.
"Rachel... can ye tell me what this is?"
Rachel smiles,
"Aye Angus... tis a cock."
Angus lowers his kilt,
"Rachel... ah can'na marry ya... yer too vulger fer me tastes."
Two months later he's dating Heather, when he takes her behind the same barn and lifts his kilt.
"Heather... tell me... what's this?"
Heather smirks,
"Tis a wee lil' birdie."
Three weeks later, they get married.
Twenty years later, Angus and Heather are walking by the same barn,
"Heather... do ye remember our walk twenty years ago?"
"Aye Angus.. ah do."
"Well me love... It twas na a birdie ah showed ye... T'was me cock."
Heather laughed a little,
"No Angus me love... T'was a wee birdie... Now George... He has a cock."
"Mary... do ye know what this is?"
Mary smiles and replies,
"Aye Angus... tis yer cock."
Angus shakes his head and lowers his kilt,
"Ach Mary... Ah can'na marry ya... yer too vulger."
A month later... he's dating Rachel, when he takes her behind the same barn and raises his kilt for her.
"Rachel... can ye tell me what this is?"
Rachel smiles,
"Aye Angus... tis a cock."
Angus lowers his kilt,
"Rachel... ah can'na marry ya... yer too vulger fer me tastes."
Two months later he's dating Heather, when he takes her behind the same barn and lifts his kilt.
"Heather... tell me... what's this?"
Heather smirks,
"Tis a wee lil' birdie."
Three weeks later, they get married.
Twenty years later, Angus and Heather are walking by the same barn,
"Heather... do ye remember our walk twenty years ago?"
"Aye Angus.. ah do."
"Well me love... It twas na a birdie ah showed ye... T'was me cock."
Heather laughed a little,
"No Angus me love... T'was a wee birdie... Now George... He has a cock."
assister49
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Mountain View
Mountain View
Mountain View
ReadyOne
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There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
ReadyOne
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A blonde started working as one of a secretaries for a muckety-mucks at the top of the corporate food chain. The senior girl was a brunette who always dressed in expensive clothes, had nice jewelry, and occasionally even wore her fur coat to the office on winter days.
The blonde was envious and wondered how the brunette could afford all the nice things on a secretary's salary. So one night when they went out for drinks after work, she asked the brunette for the secret of her success.
The brunette said that she was very nice to the boss, and sometimes the boss was very nice to her. This explanation wasn't clear enough for the blonde so eventually the brunette spelled it out.
"I fuck the boss, and then I ask him what we should name the baby, and then he gives me money."
The blonde decided to follow in the senior girl's footsteps. All the next morning she carefully rehearsed the plan in her head, and after lunch she was finally ready.
First she went into the boss's office and shut the door. They she went over the the boss behind his desk and whisped into his ear,"Fuck me!"
The boss prompt obliged, telling her to get herself ready and lay down on the couch while he got ready too. Then he gave the blonde such a pounding that she wondered what she had gotten into, or more exactly, what had gotten into her. But all the time she being screwed, she kept repeating to herself what the brunette had told her: fuck the boss and then ask him what to name the baby
Eventually the boss came deep inside her, pulled out, and started to clean himself up. The blonde got herself up and then recited the line she had kept in her head like a mantra all the time he was ravaging her.
"Boss, what will we name the baby?"
The boss skinned off his condom and replied, "If it escapes, we'll call it Houdini!"
The blonde was envious and wondered how the brunette could afford all the nice things on a secretary's salary. So one night when they went out for drinks after work, she asked the brunette for the secret of her success.
The brunette said that she was very nice to the boss, and sometimes the boss was very nice to her. This explanation wasn't clear enough for the blonde so eventually the brunette spelled it out.
"I fuck the boss, and then I ask him what we should name the baby, and then he gives me money."
The blonde decided to follow in the senior girl's footsteps. All the next morning she carefully rehearsed the plan in her head, and after lunch she was finally ready.
First she went into the boss's office and shut the door. They she went over the the boss behind his desk and whisped into his ear,"Fuck me!"
The boss prompt obliged, telling her to get herself ready and lay down on the couch while he got ready too. Then he gave the blonde such a pounding that she wondered what she had gotten into, or more exactly, what had gotten into her. But all the time she being screwed, she kept repeating to herself what the brunette had told her: fuck the boss and then ask him what to name the baby
Eventually the boss came deep inside her, pulled out, and started to clean himself up. The blonde got herself up and then recited the line she had kept in her head like a mantra all the time he was ravaging her.
"Boss, what will we name the baby?"
The boss skinned off his condom and replied, "If it escapes, we'll call it Houdini!"
MagicFingers
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I hope my carrots come out like this
I have some carrots growing in my garden. I hope they turn out like these!
I have some carrots growing in my garden. I hope they turn out like these!
ReadyOne
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Helisoft
{I've been fighting all day with...}
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
{I've been fighting all day with...}
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
MagicFingers
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Cop & Mercedes
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate
for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to
open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am
I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him,
took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and
it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if
you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off
with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate
for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to
open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am
I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him,
took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and
it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if
you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off
with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
And oldie but goodie, Dr. Zeuss style
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! By Dr. Seuss.
> (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
>
> If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
>
> If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
>
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Why Computers Sometimes Crash! By Dr. Seuss.
> (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)
>
> If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
>
> If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
>
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
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