How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Pros & Cons of Having a Threesome:

Pros:

1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be
experienced to
be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison
shopping for
condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies
without
actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a
problem, the
"wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

Cons:

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the
bathroom; the
other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends
like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your
notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or
want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends
you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of
relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in
assumes
comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid

 

[wally2450]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight whilein possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule,and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the AttorneyGeneral said he believes the man is a member of the notoriousAl-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who hasbeen charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of mathinstruction. "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said."They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimesgo off on tangents in search of absolute values. They usesecret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates inevery country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.'' When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,"If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of MathInstruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." Republican leaders told reporters they could not recall amore intelligent or profound statement by the President.

 

[done_got_old]

Fast Sex


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.


One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she wou ld con sult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all dimes!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

 

[smoothdevil]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during Summer Olympics games that they would like to take back:



1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.


2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.


3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.


4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.


5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.


6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.


7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.


8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.


9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

 

[wally2450]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is
one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go
out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a
rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

 

[done_got_old]

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "McCAIN in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

 

[smoothdevil]

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?[/B]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Empty your PC Recycle Bin.
2. Create a new folder on your Desktop.
2. Name the folder 'Barack Obama'.
3. Drag the folder to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

 

[wally2450]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

 

[smoothdevil]

A Foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those
f_ _king lessons I took over the winter didn't help me any.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well...there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

 

[wally2450]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife
decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at
closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your
tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off
and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her
husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla
went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This
time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door
and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with
an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Importance of Walking



Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more
information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

 

[Crudebug]

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!

lmao... dayummm wonder how they could still remember the next day...

 

[Crudebug]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is
one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go
out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a
rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

lol - would be even worse if it was a centrefold bunny

 

[Crudebug]

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "McCAIN in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

lol lol... u'll make one heck of a fund-raiser for the Policeman's ball at the expense of the GOP contributors

 

[Crudebug]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Empty your PC Recycle Bin.
2. Create a new folder on your Desktop.
2. Name the folder 'Barack Obama'.
3. Drag the folder to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

Can't we have a group folder WASHINGTON and sub-folder with all those populating senate & congress.. would feel like Nuking the establishment in one go

 

[Crudebug]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

Sure to give the Dairy industry a run for it's money

 

[Crudebug]

A Foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those
f_ _king lessons I took over the winter didn't help me any.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well...there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

Now you know why the name GOLF came from GENTLEMEN ONLY, LADIES FORBIDDEN..
The golf course was a refuge for men fleeing the Bridge Brigades invading their homes... lol

 

[Crudebug]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife
decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at
closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your
tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off
and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her
husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla
went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This
time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door
and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with
an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

dunno if she'll complain about headaches or heartaches, but will sure cum with an ass-ache

 

[Crudebug]

Importance of Walking

..

yeah..
have given up walking.. instead I sit at the comp and read jokes on the Lit..
even walking over to happy Hour is a chore.. I order take-away with the beer

 

[Crudebug]

One day, little Johnny was bugging his mother, so she told him to go outside and play. Johnny went outside and down the street. He saw firefighters rescue a little baby from a burning building and save the day. He ran home all excited that he saw this, and started to tell his mother. She interrupted him, saying, "I already heard it all on my scanner." Little Johnny pouts and goes to his room. The next day, his mother tells him to go out and play. Again he goes down the street and this time he sees an ambulance show up at an accident and save the people's lives. He rushes home and starts to tell his mother what he saw. She interrupts saying she already heard it on her scanner. Again The next day, she sends him out to play, but this time he decides to go a different way. He walks around farmer Mac's barn and sees him screwing a pig in the ass. He thinks to himself man I shouldn't be here. He starts to sneak away when "snap", he steps on a twig. Mac hears him and says, "Hey Johnny is that you?" Johnny says, "Yeah." The farmer ask Johnny if he wants to try it. Johnny thinks, why not, and has himself the time of his life. When he's done he runs home and starts yelling, "Mommy, mommy, guess what I did today!" She says, "OK, what?" He proudly says, "I got laid." She replies, "In a pig's ass."
Johnny, now pissed, screams, "DAMN SCANNER!!"

 

[Crudebug]

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

She was strapped for cash

 

[Crudebug]

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.
Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

 

[Crudebug]

What did the hillbilly virgin say to her lover after her first orgasm?


`Get off Dad, You're crushing my Camels.'

 

[Crudebug]

"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"