How to make people laugh

[Crudebug]

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Mechanic

 

[Crudebug]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq..' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

 

[smoothdevil]

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

 

[Crudebug]

I don't need cyber sex.
.
.
.
.
Windows goes down on me all the time!

 

[Crudebug]

What did the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
Wiped his ass.

 

[smoothdevil]

Virility

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,

You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again,

'You finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

 

[done_got_old]

I dare you not to look at this three or four times!

 

[A_Day_Dreamer]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in PENIS

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

OMG... I hurt from laughing so hard

 

[wally2450]

After the speech in Berlin, Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white



from the neck up to the top of his head.





In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to give up his hopes to be president, he called his doctor and told



him of his problem.







The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.







After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.







Obama drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'







The doctor replied, 'It was. You were a quart low.'

 

[wally2450]

"A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now
for allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal
the herpes virus instead of going out and catching it in the
wild like everyone else."

 

[LFO]

LOL, these are great

 

[smoothdevil]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but not listening to them.

 

[smoothdevil]

never assume men understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room to comply.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

[smoothdevil]

never assume men understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room to comply.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

[smoothdevil]

thoughts


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said, 'Implants?' She hit me!


How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over fifty for Miss America ?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it.....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/W/heart-attack-grill.gif

 

[smoothdevil]

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing?'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Opera tor: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the Screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it . Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

 

[DarkBee]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/W/heart-attack-grill.gif

Hey, at least they're honest! Cute waitresses too, wouldn't mind ending on the floor faking a heart attack and one of those hotties helping me.

 

[Yang4yin]

An oldie, but a goodie...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250.'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football helmet.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750.'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my closet now.'


.

 

[Yang4yin]

http://www.nationalbanana.com/#173-173 - The trailer for the film adaptation of Jane Austen's newly discovered work, "Porn & Penetration."

 

[cherokee_dove]

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear, A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story...


In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'


There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'


There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...And I will grab the fish!'


It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank, But I can tell you there's more...


A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'


A cat, lurking in the bushes, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) took in this scene and thought, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly...
And that bear grabs for that fish...
And that hunter shoots that bear...
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'


The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns...


NOW, The Moral Of The Story ~~~


Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.


Didn't see that one coming, did ya???

 

[Crudebug]

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

 

[smoothdevil]

HELLO, OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries

Caller : 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

and they breed ......

 

[DarkBee]

I know... When you work at McDonalds, especially at the drive-through, you get the most stupid questions or responses. For instance:

q: "McChicken Gourmet, is that with beef?" a: "Do you know what the word chicken means?"
"Oh, I see your milkshake machine is broken. When I come inside, will it work?"
q: "Hello, may I take your order please?" r: "Do I have to order here?"

and the list goes on and on...

 

[smoothdevil]

Four Pets

Every woman should have four pets in her life

- a mink in her closet,

- a jaguar in her garage,

- a tiger in her bed

- and a jackass who pays for everything