How to make people laugh

[Saucyminx]

well--I was lonely in the corner

A convent was doing some renovations. The Mother Superior assigned two of the younger nuns to paint one of the rooms. She sternly told them to make sure they didn't get any paint on their clothes. So they decided to take all their clothes off, fold them neatly and put them aside while they painted. They locked the door and got to work. A little while later, they heard a knock.
"Who is it?" one of them called.
"Blind man."
After a little discussion, they decided there would be no harm letting a blind man in. So, still naked, they unlocked the door.
The man came in, looked at the girls, and said,"Nice tits. Here's you blinds."

 

[pleasteasme]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she
hollers out...."Pa,
You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse."
Ma
yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix
it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around
and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the
outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to
fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks
around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"
Ma
hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa
proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts
yelling,"Ma
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet
seat!" To
which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it!?"

 

[grungalunga]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

 

[smoothdevil]

>National Day of Pride

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless Australia!

 

[cymbline]

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called
out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

 

[Saucyminx]

It was time to go over the abc's with her class, so Mrs. Smith asked, "Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter a?"
Several children raised their hands, but little dirty Johnny in the back was going wild. Knowing him as she did, she called on Susie.

"Apple," Susie said. "Very good," said Mrs. Smith. "How about the letter B?" Again the scattered response, but this time Little Johnny was jumping up and down with his hand in the air. NO WAY thought Mrs. Smith and she called on another child. She continued through the alphabet until she got to the letter r. Little Johnny was flailing away in the back of the class. She thought about it a minute, decided it was safe, and called on Little Johnny.

Johnny put down his hand, smiled and answered, "Rats! Big fuckin rats! With cocks this long!"

 

[pleasteasme]

Viagra - Appetite Depressant

>
>
>A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
>slice of
>toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
>
>He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
>this
>Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
>
>At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
>homemade
>muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says,
>"really
>trashes my desire for food."
>
>Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
>like a
>juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
>rotisserie chicken
>or tasty stir fry?"
>
>He declines again. "No, still not hungry."
>
>"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[JustSkye]

OSAMA & THE GENIE

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osaman Bin Laden found a
Bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

'You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osaman thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of
the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.
God is good.

 

[HornyHenry]

Speaking of Osama

Check this pic out.
And, Pleaseteaseme, very cute joke. Thks.

 

[cymbline]

20 Ways For Women To Tell That They've Had A Little Too Much To Drink

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and
wiggling my ass while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the hottest dance
move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00a.m. sub on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm
not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song
plays because "Oh my! God! I love this song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing
or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep
them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just
lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen
floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG
WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.


18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on slacks to cut down on the time
I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.

 

[grungalunga]

LOUISIANA FACTS

If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right. It's pronounced "New Orlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing a song or they want their ass kicked.

It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we have here.

3 out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem. 3 out of 7 have a gambling problem.

No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants.

The shopping sucks, unless you are buying: beer, hookers or antiques.

The mall is not close to anywhere, and if you get there, they don't have what you came to purchase.

The amount of cash you spend on gasoline and cigarettes in a month exceeds your rent/house note.

Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time. Every street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each other.

The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to explain.

The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide an aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem.

1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were born in New Orleans, or you are a cajun.

If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried about this problem either.

There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in New Orleans. (That's just in a slow month).

 

[grungalunga]

Louisiana Driving Rules:

1-A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana driver
never
uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.

3-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you
and
the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going
with the flow".

5-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have
of getting hit.

6-Never get in the way of an older car than needs extensive bodywork.

 

[grungalunga]

SOUTHERN ADVICE

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving
to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you
adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to
help
them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't
buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is
plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya?

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most
Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in
denial
about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they
are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawdads.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

 

[Quoll]

Just ducking in with a quick one

A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and one
under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats
with the bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to
ask
people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't
mention
the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to
go
to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an
awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your
name?"
he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck,
"And
what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I
had
the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
day."

 

[Munachi]

haven't read the whole thread yet, so i hope i don#t repeat anything...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?""Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in PENIS

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

 

[Munachi]

a man comes to work with two black eyes.

what happened? ask his colleagues.

well, he says, i was on this escalator and in front of me was this woman who had her skirt stuck in her ass crack. so i pulled it out. and she turned around and punched me in the eye.

poor you, they say... but how did you get the second one?

well, he says, since she obviously didnt want it out, i put it back in.

 

[smoothdevil]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says

"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together and says,

"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to
this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along
come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely
ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall,
tan, muscular, and with LONG good hair and AUSTRALIAN. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but
I stepped on a duck."

 

[cymbline]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day
and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting
really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He
makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?

 

[cymbline]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop
right here.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like
this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers - cause it's soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
own ............ so does she.
(This guy could be the one on the milk carton! )

 

[Quoll]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY : Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4"
(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and
am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE : Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel
candy.

BEATLES OR STONES ? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.

 

[smoothdevil]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop
right here.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like
this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers - cause it's soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my
own ............ so does she.
(This guy could be the one on the milk carton! )

LMAOF .....

 

[Quoll]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final
act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it
was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the
edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
his wife. . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Fek off!! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

 

[Quoll]

Will you Marry Me??--

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed,
shall we say.*

In fact, it's 25 inches long.* Can't get any women to have sex with him.*
No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he
can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes)! And tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.

"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter,"* Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the
forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.* He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.* "Will you marry me?" he calls to the
frog.

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.* Hey, this is great he
thinks -- let's try that again.* "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches.* Well, that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks.* Down another 5 would be perfect.* So he calls across again,

"Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No.No.NO!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Will you Marry Me??--

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed,
shall we say.*

In fact, it's 25 inches long.* Can't get any women to have sex with him.*
No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he
can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes)! And tells him to go to a
particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.

"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter,"* Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the
forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would.* He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.* "Will you marry me?" he calls to the
frog.

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.* Hey, this is great he
thinks -- let's try that again.* "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches.* Well, that's still a bit
excessive, he thinks.* Down another 5 would be perfect.* So he calls across again,

"Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No.No.NO!"

LMAO.....................great