How to make people laugh

[Quoll]

I just received this, this morning, suprised I didn`t wake everyone up I laughed so loud, this is true friendship.


WE IS FRIENDS




Me And You Is Friends ...

You Smile, I Smile ...

You Hurt, I Hurt ...

You Cry, I Cry .

You Jump Off A Bridge.

I Gonna Miss You

 

[MagicFingers]

Great jokes, everyone!

Keep 'em comming. Too many good ones to single out just one.

Changing Tires:
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

 

[smoothdevil]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

 

[Munachi]

not sure if i already posted this here, and too lazy to look...

a guy comes to work with two black eyes.
"how'd that happen?" his colleagues ask.
"well, he says, i was standing on a escalator, and in front of me was this beautiful woman in a mini skirt, and well, her skirt was stuck in her ass crack, so i pulled it out for her, and she turned around and punched me in the face."
"ouch, say the others, but what happened with the second eye?"
"well, he says, since she obviously didn't like it out, i put it back in."

 

[smoothdevil]

fruits of courage

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon
a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young
woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him on the head, kicked his bike over, I ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

 

[Xectxny19X]

Thanks for sharing the jokes everyone!
They're hilarious as always!
*smiles*

 

[MercyMia]

I come in here when I need some levity. Please keep posting. I'll try to find jokes, too.

 

[MercyMia]

Webster Never Planned On This

Antacid ant-as'-id: Uncle Acid's wife

Antelope an'-tl-op: How she married my Uncle

Avoidable a-void'-a-ble: What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney ba-lo'-ne: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Bottom bot'-em: What the shopper did when she found the
shoes that she wanted.

Bucktooth buk'-tooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy

Burglarize bur'-gler-ise: What a crook sees with

Cantaloupe kan'-tl-op: When you are unable to run away to
get married

Cartoonist kar-toon'-ist: What you call your auto mechanic

Castanets kas'-te-net: What they did to fill the role of
Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend

Celtics sel'-tiks: What a parasite saleman does

Counterfeiters : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Crestfallen krest'-fo-len: Dropped toothpaste

Decrease dee-krees': De fold in de pants

Demote dee-mot: What de king put around de castle

Despise dee-spiz': De persons who work for the CIA

Detention dee-ten'-shen: What causes de stress

Dreadlocks dred'-lok: the fear of opening the deadbolt

 

[smoothdevil]

Girls Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls
Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do
their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set
and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large
ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself
with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband
and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now.

My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!

 

[cymbline]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really,
really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.


As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.


Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything
he punched her again.


This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the
butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.


By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then
he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and
said..........


"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

 

[Xectxny19X]

Girls Night Out


The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband
and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now.

My wife came home last night without her panties."

That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!

LoL, THAT is so freaky funny! Thanks.

 

[Xectxny19X]

The Damned Egg

Not sure if this one is shared yet. If so, sorry!

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

 

[Extreme Bohunk]

A Fire Chief is walking thru a building after a fire.
He comes around a corner, and finds two firemen.
One is behind the other, 'giving him the business'.
The Chief says "HEY! What the fuck is going on here?"

The one fireman tells him,
"Well Chief, he was overcome by smoke."

The Chief screams 'YOU IDIOT! You're supposed to give him mouth to mouth!'

The fireman says 'How do think this got started?'

 

[cymbline]

IDIOT'S SEX GUIDE​

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.

2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

[Saucyminx]

Psychiatric Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he's on fire.

No further studies are expected

 

[kayte]

Bad Humor

Got Milk?


A woman and baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in.


The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.


"Breast fed," the woman replied.


"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered the woman. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Telling her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."


"I know," said the woman. "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

 

[smoothdevil]

Blind Man

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?".

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[smoothdevil]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious .......................................
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

LMAO............

 

[Munachi]

some short, silly jokes

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

 

[Quoll]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and shouts at the bartender "Hey donkey get me a beer" the bartender gets him his beer.

Two minutes later the guy shouts out again "Hey donkey get me another beer" the bartender goes off and gets him his beer.

For the third time the guy Shouts out "Hey donkey, another beer here" the bartender gives him his beer, the guy downs the beer in one gulp, pays and says "See ya later donkey"

After he has left, one of the other men at the bar asks the bartender" Why does he call you that?"

The bartender says "Oh hee aww hee aww hee awlways calls me that"

 

[MercyMia]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and shouts at the bartender

The bartender says "Oh hee aww hee aww hee awlways calls me that"

LMAO! Too funny, quoll!

 

[Quoll]

LMAO! Too funny, quoll!

Thank you it`s one of my old favourites

 

[Xectxny19X]

Deadly Fruit

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

 

[Xectxny19X]

I just received this, this morning, suprised I didn`t wake everyone up I laughed so loud, this is true friendship.


WE IS FRIENDS




Me And You Is Friends ...

You Smile, I Smile ...

You Hurt, I Hurt ...

You Cry, I Cry .

You Jump Off A Bridge.

I Gonna Miss You

*smiles and giggles* This one was sOo cute and funny at the same time!