How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest

and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'

be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"



Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for

the creature."



Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough

to donate to them for the service?"



Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya

tell me the dog was Catholic?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[smoothdevil]

Quotes about Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

********

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

********

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

********

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

********

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

********

The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

********

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

********

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

********

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

********

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

********

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

********

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

********

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

********

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

********

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

********

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

********

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

********

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

[wally2450]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was
for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so she stuffed them in her
gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house. Later that night, after all the
guests
had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs ,
and
asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-
MaMa,
and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You
march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just
like I did your Granddaddy's."

 

[xanana]

Blond!



A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also blonde.
The blonde officer asked to see the blonde driver's License.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
"It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman.
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

[PertPerth]

http://i36.tinypic.com/24bkleg.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and
some
bad news."

Dianne asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't
suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.

To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a
natural bitch."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake
and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours.
I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little
Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece
around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours
playing first!"

 

[done_got_old]

Sperm Bank

 

[wally2450]

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married,
please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the
fella next to her with the shotgun?"

 

[wally2450]

Three guys were sitting at the bar. The first guy said, "You
know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an
acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions." The
second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class
pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can
imagine." No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to
the third guy, "George how's you wife in bed?" George took a sip
of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes
love like a chess player."

"A chess player?" "Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

 

[smoothdevil]

The Post Office has just released a new stamp in the shape of a clit...however,

they are not selling very well because only 3% of men know how to lick it!!!

 

[wally2450]

The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case
of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a
pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: NEW STUDY FROM UCLA

New Study Worth Sharing With Friends... Male or Female.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

 

[smoothdevil]

Oil Change instructions:

for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustrati o n, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
2 1) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

[smoothdevil]

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[wally2450]

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the fuck happened!"

 

[wally2450]

After a somewhat enforced term of government employment at a very
unacceptable. but non negotiable, salary, I decided to pursue a
college
degree to improve any future financial rewards available for the use
my
personal services. After discharge from my Uncle Sam's care, It was
apparent that he obviously felt some guilt over screwing me over for
the
past few years and reluctantly agreed to help fund my matriculation
at a
local college. I graduated from the school, with luck and a definite
degree of sacrifice Trying to balance study, partying, many part
time
jobs, partying, standing in line trying to justify my right to claim
unemployment dollars as I could not find anyone looking to hire a 50
caliber machine gun operator. partying, plus my social service
volunteer
work, helping available nubile female students pass their human
sexuality classes, and imbibing at parties, it was amazing that I
survived. I really never felt any allegiance to the school itself.
Once
I was outta that particular pile of bricks, I harbored no particular
desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive, join any
alumni
associations or attend any athletic events. But sure enough, a few
years
later, someone in the Alumni Affairs staff called my parents, and
tracked down my current phone number and called. "So, what have you
been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus inquired. I
responded, "Oh,
not a lot. Just hot wiring and stealing cars, running a little
moonshine
on the side, when I'm not running a few hookers ." Needless to say,
I
haven't heard from them again.

 

[Crudebug]

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, "Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs."
Much to her mother's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your best friends are your legs?"
"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends must part."

 

[wally2450]

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, "Remember, dear. When he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs."
Much to her mother's dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your best friends are your legs?"
"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends must part."

 

[wally2450]

Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"

"Container ship," replies the other.

"Okay, what's that one over there?"

"Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?"

"That's a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"

 

[bailadora]

Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"

"Container ship," replies the other.

"Okay, what's that one over there?"

"Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?"

"That's a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"

Funny!

 

[done_got_old]

Bank Robbery

 

[wally2450]

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she
takes driving lessons?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

 

[wally2450]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other
cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her
from behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then
you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,'
and then try to hold on for 8 seconds."

 

[done_got_old]

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!