How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Truths


The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there
were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded That he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina "

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said.. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[wally2450]

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?" The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two." "Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

 

[wally2450]

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly
into the doctor's office, deposited him on the examining
table, and said, "See if you can patch him up soon. I
shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I
shot him."
==================================================================
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Jimmy the redneck from St. Louis Missouri, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[wally2450]

My husband and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two
teenagers in front of us, passionately hugging and kissing. They
didn't even come up for air when the line moved.

As we waited, their displays of affection became more and more
embarrassing.

Finally one park employee approached them and said, "Hey, Kids, this
is a place to bring your families, not have them.



The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn
bathrobe.

The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you
look like you did when we were first married?"

"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"

 

[wally2450]

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid
succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your
sorrows, buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually doesn't work, you know."

"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife no where near
the water!"

 

[wally2450]

Italian restaurant

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly
led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your pasta quattro formaggi was superb!" the customer
said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better
than any I had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use dome-
stic cheese. Ours is imported."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Little Johnny

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides
to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the
seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just
then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets
out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round
the room clutching his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face
and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's
shit with me!"

 

[wally2450]

When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking his lazy ass
out for good, he started trying to patch things up. He got all sad,
and
looked at me with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say those
three little words that will make me walk on air."

I said, "Go hang yourself."

~~~~~~~

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It
fell
only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

 

[wally2450]

An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a
check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in
and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical
condition?"

"I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and
that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "I
have a glass of whisky, and al l is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but
there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when
he died?

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and
your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In
fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went
to the topless beach for a walk. That's why he's still
alive ... he's Irish and he's also a golfer."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's
Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still a kick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years
old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible!
How old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So,
I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's
getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married ?!!

Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

 

[wally2450]

The young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty
girl smiled and spoke to him. The wife scenting an earlier love
affair, inquired: "Who is the lady, dear?" "Oh, just a girl I have
met professionally." "No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose
profession? Yours or hers?"

 

[wally2450]

QUOTE FOR TODAY "Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault will it be?'" -Jay Leno

 

[Saucyminx]

Two 35 year old men are on complete opposite sides of the earth. One of them is walking on a tight rope suspended 200 feet in the air between two buildings; the other is getting a blow job from a 92 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. . . . .


Don't look down.

 

[wally2450]

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol'
Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind
he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin
bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes
careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird
continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

 

[done_got_old]

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol'
Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the
highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind
he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin
bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes
careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird
continues to sail silently over the tree tops."

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

ROFLMAO

 

[wally2450]

Shower Activities
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According
to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people
masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know
what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

 

[wally2450]

I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.

One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?' Which I thought was a good question.

I said, 'Only on Swedish women.'"

 

[wally2450]

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the
slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb
to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the
worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up
the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the
resurrection."

 

[wally2450]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remotelog cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered onSaturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concernedabout the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. Heknocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from insideanswered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwingthe peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"

 

[wally2450]

Three southern Bells were sitting on the front porch fanning
themselves. One of them had just returned from a shopping trip to New
York City.In her sweetest southern voice she said: "Do you know, that
in New York City, there are men who have sex with other men" One
replied: and what do they call them"The Belle replied, "They call
them homosexuals>" The Belle went on... "And did you know that in New
York City, there are women that have sex with other women?" The other
Belle said...I do declare, whatever do they call them? The Belle
replied. They are called lesbians." Finally the returned Belle
said: "And did you know, there are men In New York City who eat
women's pussies." The Bell blushed and replied. I'm not sure what the
women of New York call them. But I call them DARLING

 

[wally2450]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but only
put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give
to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star
of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest,
turned to the beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look
who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

 

[wally2450]

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According
to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people
masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know
what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

 

[wally2450]

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even
though they both worked full-time, he never helped around
the house. Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and
another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table
set. She was astonished - something's up. It turns out
that Charley had read an article that said wives who
worked full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office
friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley
even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework,
folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that
was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
Maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
Ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
Unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so Then
He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[wally2450]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
Maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up
For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
Ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was
Unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so Then
He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
Waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty' and

The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

lmao!

 

[wally2450]

One woman was complaining to her friend, "My sex life is awful. My
husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's
worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."

"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was
exactly like his Computer."

"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.

"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions. "

 

[glynndah]

Your Yearly Dementia Test


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers

until you've made your answer.

....OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.










2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'

What do cows drink?











Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.




3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?












Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?

East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?












Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you must stop. If you said,
'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.



5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London ,17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get! on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.





What was the name of the bus driver?

















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name?

It was YOU!!






Now pass this along to all your friends

and pray they do better than you.