How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy

session with four young mothers and their small

children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are

obsessed with eating. You've even named your

daughter Candy."



He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your

obsession is with money. Again, it manifests

itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned

to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is

alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's

name, Brandy."



At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,

quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand

and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[wally2450]

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her
grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.

All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the
teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer
correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny
said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" But
before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln?"

The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may go." Johnny was mad
that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny
could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even
madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who
said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go." Now Johnny was
furious! Nancy had answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these
girls would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON.
CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[wally2450]

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow
a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks
the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that
he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with
it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me.

I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name.

The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that
I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency,
finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream.

Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred
Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling
around with my assistant.

She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I
was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of
the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing.

 

[wally2450]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he
reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then,
twisting his thorax with precision, he grabbed hold of the next
blade. In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much
distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and
delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called
an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything
becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I
suddenly knew what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.

 

[wally2450]

West Virginia Ten Commandments Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in West Virginia got together and translated the 'King James' into 'County' language..... no joke, read on... The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville, West Virginia) (1) Just one God (2) Put nothin' before God (3) Watch yer mouth (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' (5) Honor yer Ma & Pa (6) No killin' (7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal (8) Don't take what ain't yers (9) No tellin' tales or gossipin' (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

 

[bailadora]

Sister Mary Ann's Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

 

[bailadora]

Two 35 year old men are on complete opposite sides of the earth. One of them is walking on a tight rope suspended 200 feet in the air between two buildings; the other is getting a blow job from a 92 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. . . . .


Don't look down.

That's funny!

 

[glynndah]

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.

He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love
all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in
his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey
Batman, what's for dinner?"

 

[wally2450]

What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.If he can't eat it
or mate with it, he will piss on it!

Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to
God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar
in your coffee!

 

[wally2450]

Boys And Girls Are Different!


One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked
her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the
back seat. "What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different
from girls," she chirped.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her
head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she
added.

"Well, yes they do," I said cautiously. I couldn't think of anything
else to say, so we were quiet for a moment.

Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys,"
she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he
is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute
already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um, well."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the
subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have
those things?"

Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked
herself that question at least once? "Oh, well," I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own.

"It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and
that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them.
Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows
he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get
cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had
a pretty good grasp on things. As soon as we got home and I pulled
into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of
her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the
ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood,
the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female
turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers
were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and
I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it, and I did,
she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.
Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't
looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

 

[wally2450]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

lmao!

 

[bailadora]

lmao!

- Glad to be of service!

 

[bailadora]

IT'S JUST DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.

He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love
all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I
was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had
wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in
his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey
Batman, what's for dinner?"

OMG! - I almost spewed soda all over the computer - .

 

[bailadora]

<snip> And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

After reading this, neither will I -

 

[smoothdevil]

Bulls & Balls!


A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[wally2450]

Heard Jeff Foxworthy say the the other night that he saw his two girls
age 5 and 8 usher the neighbor boy into their bathroom and lock the
door. He went to the door where he heard giggles and squeals and in a
stearn voice said "Hey, what are you doing in there?" his youngest
said
"We are checking out Johnnies Yoo-Hoo." Jeff then yells "didn't we
tell
you girls that those things were poison?" and his oldest
replies, "Dad,
they can't be because if they were, the dog would be dead by now

 

[wally2450]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for
Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames
is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really
tired me out, and I new I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided
to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps
years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullshitter .. He never did any of that shit.
He was in the Navy!"

 

[luvitlong]

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for
some R&R. So Friday afternoon he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to
see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on
account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he's flying
around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on
her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a
good time. I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie
and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at
the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell"

 

[wally2450]

"Even though she won, Hillary's campaign is $10 million
in debt. Ironically, her big issue? 'I can handle the
economy'."
- Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America
did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President
Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President
Clinton was photographed with a hoe."
- Conan O'Brien

 

[smoothdevil]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsh and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times............

 

[wally2450]

We come into this world crying while all around us are smiling. May we so live that we go out of this world smiling while everybody around us is weeping.--Unknown

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities. Always see them, for they're always there."--Norman Vincent Peale

 

[bailadora]

"Even though she won, Hillary's campaign is $10 million in debt. Ironically, her big issue? 'I can handle the economy'." - Jay Leno

*snort*

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities. Always see them, for they're always there."--Norman Vincent Peale

Hmmm - food for thought.

 

[wally2450]

The dentist was called away from the dinner table
to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Barradley,
explaining that his nephew had gotten himself into
quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my
wife and I came back from the movies we found them
stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Barradley," said the
dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing.
I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

Mr. Barradley whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"

 

[wally2450]

Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks why he is doing that.

The first man answers, "I thought I heard a bear."

The second argues, "You can't outrun a bear, not even with sneakers."

The first responds, "I just need to outrun YOU!"

 

[Weird Harold]

Commercials on Saturday Morning TV always bring this joke to mind:

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"