How to make people laugh

[notalwaysweak]

Alright, I have read through all the jokes in this thread, which was relatively easy since a lot of them have been added multiple times. I have laughed and I have rolled my eyes. And now, I present for your viewing pleasure, my all-time favourite joke:

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.

 

[Yang4yin]

... This came to be known as Einstein's Theory
of Relative Titty.

LOL!!!

 

[Yang4yin]

Probably posted before, but worth a read...

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge . 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge . 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold veg! etarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**

Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge...3 : No report.

 

[notalwaysweak]

:d

...

dang thing keeps eating my post

 

[smoothdevil]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

 

[smoothdevil]

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

 

[wally2450]

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the
trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball his unintended victim who
angrily tells him of the near miss greets him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to
yell 'SHIT!'"

 

[wally2450]

Women always say some snide little comments when they catch their guy
looking at a cute girl.

Bills wife caught him last week. She said, "You look like a kid in a
candy store!"

Thank God Bill is witty. He came right back with, "Yeah, well, I'm
married now so, I'm a kid with diabetes in a candy store."



"Why do women always want to talk during sex?" asks Bill. "My wife
always says that feels so good. Does it feel good to you? It feels
good to me. How does it feel to you?"

"Yeah" says Doug, "I know what you mean. My wife always asks those
questions too."

"Well this time I finally gave her some answers. I said, do you
wanna talk, or do you wanna f*ck? If you'll let me finish, I'll
write a report for you when we're done."

 

[notalwaysweak]

Q. What's pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.

Q. What's blue and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding its breath.

 

[wally2450]

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his
son. They used to go everywhere together including looking
for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute). One day, Chung the son
decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive,
and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look
for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to
look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please
state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the
bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300). Subsequently,
and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than
$700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his
son. "Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one". A month later, Cheng, the father, received another
bill from his son. On it he had written:
Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

 

[Yang4yin]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'

 

[wally2450]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full ofgolf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulgingpockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very longtime, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?

 

[wally2450]

Jill: Do you define an "ex" as "someone you married"?

Mary: Heavens no! An "ex" is "anyone who spent the night more than
once and whose name I can remember."



A car sped off the highway, went through the guard-rail, rolled down
a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the
miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course I am, you idiot!" said the man, brushing the dirt from his
suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

 

[wally2450]

Jill, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.

"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."

And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"

 

[wally2450]

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side.


Before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved.

"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
=====================
























================
A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest.

In the office the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he really liked her friend.

"Oh, she's not really a friend of mine," the girl responded. "Just an acquaintance."

"Well, in that case," the man chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance."

 

[wally2450]

At least one will apply to someone you know Gentle Thoughts for Today-- Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs." Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 

[wally2450]

Recently I was in attendance at a Church Deacons home as he was on
his deathbed and talking to him about their afterlife. His four
children were gathered around their father's deathbed. As the
eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the
children started to discuss the final funeral plans with me.

One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought
a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the
remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend
much money, as their father would never know the difference.

The old Deacon stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was
time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never
told you
this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place
with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never
married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

"Yup," said Dad, "And cheap ones too!"

 

[wally2450]

QUOTE FOR TODAY

When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.--Unknown

 

[Colton_White]

how to make people laugh?

well by showing them my threads....

My Humor Stories:-
[size=+1] Lady finder a.i. Chat autobot [/size]
[size=+1] A 'Fake' Dom remembers[/size]
===========
Some Funny Quotes
[size=+1] Does ‘TONGUE’ size really matter? [/size][mockery of 'size related threads' in How to Section!]

 

[wally2450]

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether
the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity.
The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to
the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part
where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic
scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide
definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked
to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But
they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the
understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding.
According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police
have watched the show 75 times."

 

[wally2450]

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things." (I just knew that movie had to be good for something.)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal--really).


Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so sick.



In response to which came the following song:
WARNING: May be offensive--pretend that it's rot13 encrypted.

This was written by GRoo who is the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know The devil made him do it.


Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting underwear made of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.

Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.

When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and <proverbial>.



Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?

 

[ggoof]

This one had me falling of the chair, thanks!

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things." (I just knew that movie had to be good for something.)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal--really).


Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so sick.



In response to which came the following song:
WARNING: May be offensive--pretend that it's rot13 encrypted.

This was written by GRoo who is the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know The devil made him do it.


Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting underwear made of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.

Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.

When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and <proverbial>.



Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?

 

[wally2450]

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new transplants
they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spill! ed some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product .

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[smoothdevil]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?