How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.

The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?!?!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
,,,,,,

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

,,,, Super LMAO

 

[MercyMia]

Apologies to Polish People and Their Descendants...

Four Pollacks were driving down the road and one says, "look at the cow with one eye!" The other three cover one eye and look at the cow! ha ha ha

 

[MercyMia]

A bear walks into a bar and and takes a seat, the bartender looks him up and down and asks, "what'll it be?"

The bear replies, "I'll have......................a pint of beer please"

Bartender: "Why the big pause?"

Bear replies, "Cause Im a big bear!"

 

[MercyMia]

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One goes "Fuck me, it's warm in here." "Arrrgh! A talking muffin!" screams the other.

*Edited for punctuation and caps.

 

[wally2450]

Naval conference

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:

"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One goes "Fuck me, it's warm in here." "Arrrgh! A talking muffin!" screams the other.

*Edited for punctuation and caps.

ohh Mia,,you crack me the fuck up

 

[wally2450]

Marriage quotes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

 

[wally2450]

Bj

 

[MercyMia]

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

 

[smoothdevil]

WHY WE SPLIT UP...


She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd
have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back..............

 

[smoothdevil]

*Subject:* The Cabinet

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Westminster Bridge

Its absolute gridlock… nothing is moving.

Suddenly someone knocks his window. The driver rolls down the window
and
asks "What's going on?"

"Terrorists are holding Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and
John
Reid to ransom. They're asking for £10 million cash, otherwise they're
going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from
car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"

 

[wally2450]

Blonde parents

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally
their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they
had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple
took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they
stopped by the local college so they each could
enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration
clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study
Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a
Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start
to talk. We just want to be able to understand
him."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: futuristic hotel


A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall
from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and
stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz
and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled
his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need
when away from Their Wives, 50 cents."

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine
started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to
withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end!

 

[bobsgirl]

 

[Saucyminx]

I think that gave me an eye infection.


A young lad is in his room masturbating and getting rather noisy about it. His father comes bursting in the door and says "Son! Quit that or you'll go blind!"

The son replys, "Dad, i'm over here."

 

[wally2450]

Quick thinking

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

 

[smoothdevil]

>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid >form, and will be marketed by a soft drink company as a power beverage >suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally >pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft >drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" >and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

The cola company will market >the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

[MagicFingers]

I've heard of that there Hard Lick-Her stuff!

>Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid >form, and will be marketed by a soft drink company as a power beverage >suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally >pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft >drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" >and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

The cola company will market >the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Pour me a double, bartender.

 

[wally2450]

Lil boy

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

 

[wally2450]

Funnies

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old
daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone
breast-feed before, she was full of questions.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom
has some of those too, but the only one who gets to
use them is Daddy"

=========

Pesticides have definitely been linked to low sperm
counts. If you have bugs down there that are so bad
you need to use a pesticide, you aren't gonna get any
dates anyway. - Jay Leno

 

[wally2450]

Lovers Test for Guys

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

 

[wally2450]

Cajun highlander

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

 

[Quoll]

Female Poem

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

 

[Quoll]

Male Poem

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit