How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
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blue112
Really Experienced
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- Jul 1, 2004
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A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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Hope this hasn't been posted yet...
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Self raising, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Self raising, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
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- Jan 23, 2005
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- 6,251
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'
'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.
When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
`I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'
'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'
'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.
When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
`I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'
'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Beer vs ??
BEER VS. VAGINA:
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair betweenyour teeth, you may vomit.One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene kickyou out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kickyou out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here,depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in onenight and you don't want to drive anywhere.One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.If you eat any p***y in public, you become a legend.One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If yousmell of vagina he may buy you a beer.One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vaginaand you'll think you've seen god.One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or acan.One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settlesdown.One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,etc.One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to costOne point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a motherOne point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank itOne point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of thoseFeelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!
BEER VS. VAGINA:
1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.One point to BEER
2. Warm beer tastes awful.One point to VAGINA
3. A really cold beer is satisfying.One point to BEER
4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair betweenyour teeth, you may vomit.One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene kickyou out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kickyou out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here,depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in onenight and you don't want to drive anywhere.One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.If you eat any p***y in public, you become a legend.One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If yousmell of vagina he may buy you a beer.One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vaginaand you'll think you've seen god.One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or acan.One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settlesdown.One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager,etc.One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to costOne point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a motherOne point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank itOne point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of thoseFeelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
A very unattractive, obnoxious, condescending, overbearing, mean acting woman, walks into Walmart with her two kids.
After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Walmart greeter,
"Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her.
"Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.
"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.
"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."
The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike.
The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Walmart greeter,
"Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"
Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her.
"Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.
"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.
"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."
The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike.
The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
blue112
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2004
- Posts
- 243
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.
"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
blue112
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2004
- Posts
- 243
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
Last edited:
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
LOL--that reminds me of the time an elderly lady patron came up to the desk, tossed down a book and demanded to know what i thought of it. I looked at it and someone had stashed an S&M porno mag in the middle of the book. I calmly looked at her and said, "well ma'am, i don't think we have anything else like that in the building, but i could look on the computer for you."blue112 said:
She was NOT amused.
G
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MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
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- Jan 27, 2003
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Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "She is a 1."
The other two look at him and wonder. Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder about him.
Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or something??" "Wait a minute "What the hell is that?" "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by. The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the third says, "She is a 1."
The other two look at him and wonder. Another woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder about him.
Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or something??" "Wait a minute "What the hell is that?" "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
One for the teachers
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is
the actual answering machine message for the school.This came about because
they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible
for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and
teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades
changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30
times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass
their classes.
The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please
listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:
Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is
the actual answering machine message for the school.This came about because
they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible
for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and
teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades
changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30
times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass
their classes.
The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please
listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:
Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Ron54 said:
S U P E R
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Big Date
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a
gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up
the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I
having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you
like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop
at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman
awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought, "What have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'"
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a
gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up
the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I
having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina.
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you
like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop
at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman
awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought, "What have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'"
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