How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
shared with my by Nightbird
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to Daddy. "
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in
the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her
son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to Daddy. "
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in
the kitchen."
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her
son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand
BLONDE COOKBOOK!
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
Be careful driving over the holiday
Actual Car Accident Statements
The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Here are some examples .......
Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.
Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the otherside of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
Actual Car Accident Statements
The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Here are some examples .......
Woman Driver: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
Man Driver: The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Woman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
Man Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
Woman Driver: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Man Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Man Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Woman Driver: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush and just his rear end showing.
Man Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
Woman Driver: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.
Woman Driver: I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Man Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the otherside of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
grungalunga
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2003
- Posts
- 1,204
Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp
grungalunga
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2003
- Posts
- 1,204
A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
schnookie...ew...that's just ew...!
grungalunga
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2003
- Posts
- 1,204
which one is grosser? For some reason, i find the scab one to be more disturbing.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
+ Topical Joke
We all know some negative person like this.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
they'reoverpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just
finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel n the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?
We all know some negative person like this.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and
they'reoverpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just
finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel n the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave
us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?
bobsgirl
Jiggly
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2003
- Posts
- 7,135
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,076
bobsgirl said:
Dear Tech Support:
I have read in some geek forums that it's possible to run two operating systems on the same computer. My machine is up-to-date in all ways, with more than sufficient RAM and an exceptionally large hard drive. Please tell me what steps to take to install a second operating system.
Thank you,
Ambitious User
bobsgirl
Jiggly
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2003
- Posts
- 7,135
midwestyankee said:
Dear Ambitious User,
Unfortunately, Wife 1.0 is the most powerful and pervasive operating system that we have ever encountered. You can attempt to install a second system, but we suspect that Wife 1.0 will just advise you to RAM your exceptionally large hard drive where the sun don't shine.
Wish we could have been of more help,
Tech Support
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,076
bobsgirl said:
Dear Tech Support,
How perceptive of you! That is exactly what I had in mind for my secondary operating system.
Yours in duplicity,
Ambitious User
wicked woman
from my travels
- Joined
- May 3, 2003
- Posts
- 16,022
OMG bg and Yank....that's for the roflmao
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother.”
The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother.”
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Slowlane said:
LMAO ... great line
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
whenever a women lies
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped his hand into the river.
He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "
Oh, my Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes, oh yes!" cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied!
That is not true!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson,
you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him,
you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so that is why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason and in the best interest of others.
(she IS joking, right?)
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped his hand into the river.
He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?"
the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "
Oh, my Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes, oh yes!" cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied!
That is not true!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson,
you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him,
you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,'
you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health
and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so that is why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason and in the best interest of others.
(she IS joking, right?)
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy who, at 8:00AM is in Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses and looks like George Clooney, really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all on their cell phones.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy who, at 8:00AM is in Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses and looks like George Clooney, really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all on their cell phones.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Hospitalization Plans
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING
"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING
THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUT
THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED... "SAME ILLNESS ----- BETTER HEALTH PLAN"
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING
"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING
THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUT
THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED... "SAME ILLNESS ----- BETTER HEALTH PLAN"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Senior moment
This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida..
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida..
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why... For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
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