How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Mexican Restaurant

Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila,
he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and
only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the
waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the
bull wins."

 

[smoothdevil]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

 

[smoothdevil]

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles hurt and ached
almost all the time. The doctor told him to drop his pants. The doctor stood
him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one
finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and
cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmmmm" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again.

"Hmmmmm, I see the problem" said the doctor again, and reached for his
surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then
snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid
to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor
then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up and
walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc,
and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

[Xectxny19X]

omg...lmao! nice jokes smooth! I esp. like the bull story.

 

[smoothdevil]

omg...lmao! nice jokes smooth! I esp. like the bull story.

merci ... seems to be a fav ... lol

 

[grungalunga]

What do cop cars and women have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

 

[Xectxny19X]

What do cop cars and women have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

Hi Schnookie!!!

Pardon me as I share a joke as well. I haven't been here in a while & so I'm sorry if it's been shared already.

Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

 

[grungalunga]

removing at request of poster,
RIP grunga

 

[sugared]

bad jokes can be funny too

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, What are you doing?


She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.



A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

 

[sugared]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that
visibility was almost zero, when the blonde got off
work. She made her way to the parking lot and
wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought
about her snowy situation. She then remembered her
daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a
blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by
and follow it. That way she would not get stuck
in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and
sure enough,in a little while, a snowplow went by and
she started to follow it.

As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very
smug as they continued and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat
surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got
out and came back to her car and signaled for her to
roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to
know if she was all right, as she had been following
him for a long time. She said that she was fine and
told him about her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow
when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him
and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done
with Home Depot parking lot and was going over to
K-Mart next.

 

[Xectxny19X]

lmao...! great jokes, sugared. I esp. like the $800/yr. one though I should be siding w/ the women kind, hehe.

 

[grungalunga]

What is the difference b/w a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

 

[MercyMia]

Great jokes! I really liked the one about the blonde and the snowplow. Thanks sugared and everybody.

 

[Xectxny19X]

A relationship is over
The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.

2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"

3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.

5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

 

[grungalunga]

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.

He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"

Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"

So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.

"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"

So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"

The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

 

[Ron54]

Blonds

> >Why do blonds always get the bad wrap?
Red heads are just blonds with a dad attatude!
> >Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
> > talking........and one blonde says to the other:
> >"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida
> >or the moon?
> >"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
> >can you see Florida.......?????
> >
> >.----------------------------------------------------------------.
> >CAR TROUBLE
> >A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
> >She tells the mechanic it died.
> >After he works on it for a few minutes,
> >it is idling smoothly. She says,"What's the story?"
> >He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
> >She asks,"How often do I have to do that?"
> >
> >.-----------------------------------------------------------------.
> >SPEEDING TICKET
> >A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
> >her very nicely if he could see her license.
> >She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
> >your act together.
> >Just yesterday you take away my license and then
> >today you expect me to show it to you!"
> >
> >.------------------------------------------------------------------.
> >RIVER WALK
> >There's this blonde out for a walk.
> >She comes to a river and sees another
> >blonde on the opposite bank.
> >"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
> >"How can I get to the other side?
> >" The second blonde looks up the river then down the
> >river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
> >
> >.---------------------------------------------------------------------.
> >KNITTING
> >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> >freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
> >blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
> >Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
> >the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
> >and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
> >"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
>
>.--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
> >---.
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> >A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> >The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
> >The American said, "We were the first on the moon!
> >" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
> >the sun!"
> >The Russian and the American looked at each other and
> >shook their heads.
> >"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
> >said the Russian.
> >To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
> >We're going at night!"
>
>.--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
> >---
> >IN A VACUUM
> >A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
> >It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
> >Science &Nature.
> >Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone
> >calls your name, can you hear it?"
> >She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
>
>.--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
> >---.
> >FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> >A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
> >and asked her what their names were.
> >The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
> >and one was named Timex.
> >Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
> >like that?"
> >"HelOOOooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"
> >

 

[Cockyfox]

I'm glad I clicked here.
Thanks to the monkey.

 

[Xectxny19X]

hehe...I really like the watch dogs one...it is kind of creative.

 

[grungalunga]

What do dealing with the mafia and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep shit.

 

[Saucyminx]

One day the Norse God Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples making out in a park. He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man. He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her.

The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck. So he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples. As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!

So they left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course. After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "Hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom.

While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "Surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am". So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!"

The exhausted girl looks at him and yells "You're Thor? I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!"

 

[sugared]

Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when
he walked home from work, he would get stopped by
three nasty men who would beat him up and steal his
money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would be smart to walk a
different route, but he also decided to take some
self-defense classes.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well
with it. So, one day Paul confidently decided to take
his old route home. Sure enough, there they were.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with
a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an
explanation.

"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last
night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal
my money."

His instructor said, "What happened?"

Paul replied, "They jumped me before I could get my
shoes and socks off!"

 

[sugared]

This will cheer up your day!


Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?


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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMON TATER

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[Xectxny19X]

What do dealing with the mafia and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep shit.

hm...I agree w/ the mafia part of it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever Wonder Why...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

[Ron54]

An elefant and a camel had been dating for a year when the elefant asked the camel "I was wondering now that we have been together so long, why are your tits on your back?"
The camel thought for a while and said " I don't know but it's probably the same reason your dick is on your face!"

 

[sugared]

An elefant and a camel had been dating for a year when the elefant asked the camel "I was wondering now that we have been together so long, why are your tits on your back?"
The camel thought for a while and said " I don't know but it's probably the same reason your dick is on your face!"

LOL! Nice