Little Bird
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2003
- Posts
- 1,071
I needed some time to get it. But even being german, it's funny... How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
I needed some time to get it. But even being german, it's funny... 
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house and, after eating;
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking and one says, “Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was great. I would recommend it highly.”
The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to
his companion, “Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?”
His friend replies: “A carnation?”
“No, no. The other one,” the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”
“Nahhhh.” growls the man. “You know, the one that is red and had
thorns.”
His friend says. “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and
yells, “Rose what’s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?”
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly
gentlemen were talking and one says, “Last night we went out to a new
restaurant, and it was great. I would recommend it highly.”
The other man says, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to
his companion, “Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?”
His friend replies: “A carnation?”
“No, no. The other one,” the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”
“Nahhhh.” growls the man. “You know, the one that is red and had
thorns.”
His friend says. “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes! Thank you!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and
yells, “Rose what’s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?”
bobsgirl
Jiggly
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2003
- Posts
- 7,135
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her
breasts.
Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great
boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if
she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle
of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any
Chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
breasts.
Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great
boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if
she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle
of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any
Chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Little Bird
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2003
- Posts
- 1,071
Do you have any idea how many jokes about americans are known around here.MercyMia said:Hope it wasn't offensive
Yes, it's definetly anything else but "political correct" and there are few things we hate more than being seen as if we haven't changed in any way the past 70 years, but I think that one was actually more cute than accusing.
In fact I'm really waiting for an opportuity to tell it.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Court session
> Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there
in my swing on my front porch on a! warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
>
> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady : Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
>
> Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there
in my swing on my front porch on a! warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
>
> Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney: Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney: What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
>
> Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady : Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
>
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
The little penis....
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I
promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the
problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I
promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the
problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
AFter dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
AFter dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Betty Crocker?
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO....
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
blue112
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2004
- Posts
- 243
A blonde dyed her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on.
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.
She said to the farmer: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"Ok," said the farmer.
So she quickly counted them and said 91.
The farmer looked around astonished and said, "Alright take one."
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said, "If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.
She said to the farmer: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"Ok," said the farmer.
So she quickly counted them and said 91.
The farmer looked around astonished and said, "Alright take one."
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said, "If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"
Quotes
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.
Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, whech is why I would not live forever."(Miss Alabama 1994 contest)
"Whenever I watch Tv and see those poor staving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." (Mariah Carey)
"Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life." (Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for Federal Anti-Smoking Campaign)
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." (Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.)
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President." (Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it." (A Congressional candidate in Texas)
"Half this game is 90 percent mental." (Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark)
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (Al Gore)
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." (Dan Quayle)
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we really need?" (Lee Iacocca)
On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.
Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, whech is why I would not live forever."(Miss Alabama 1994 contest)
"Whenever I watch Tv and see those poor staving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." (Mariah Carey)
"Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life." (Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for Federal Anti-Smoking Campaign)
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." (Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.)
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President." (Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it." (A Congressional candidate in Texas)
"Half this game is 90 percent mental." (Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark)
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (Al Gore)
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." (Dan Quayle)
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we really need?" (Lee Iacocca)
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
been posted before but worth repeating
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson…
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the 1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....
by David Letterman
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson…
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the 1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
Computer stupidities
there is a lot of funny stuff here:
Computer Stupidities
some of it you wonder how people can be so air-headed! LOL
there is a lot of funny stuff here:
Computer Stupidities
some of it you wonder how people can be so air-headed! LOL
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab!!!
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
Musician Jokes
If you are one, or have hung around them, you'll get these.
Musician Jokes
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless
___________________________________________________
Do you know how many lead singers it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, (s)he just stands there and holds it and the world revolves around him/her...
_________________________________________________
What's the definition of a "gentleman"?
Someone who knows how to play the accordian but doesn't.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Someone who can throw an accordian into a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
__________________________________________
A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band.
"Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!"
"Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay."
The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!"
Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings."
___________________________________
No, they're banjo jokes.
Wait! They're Cello jokes...
Wait! Wait!.....
How do you know the drummer/banjo player/ cello player is at the door?
He just keeps knocking harder and faster and still doesn't know when to come in...
_________________________________
What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.
_____________________________________
The drummer locked his keys in the car. It took him an hour and a half to get a locksmith there to get his wife and family out.
________________________________________
How do you get a bass player off your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
__________________________________________
What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians all the time?
Drummer...
________________________________________________
If you are one, or have hung around them, you'll get these.
Musician Jokes
What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?
Homeless
___________________________________________________
Do you know how many lead singers it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, (s)he just stands there and holds it and the world revolves around him/her...
_________________________________________________
What's the definition of a "gentleman"?
Someone who knows how to play the accordian but doesn't.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Someone who can throw an accordian into a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
__________________________________________
A jazz player dies and goes to heaven... Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived... Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was conducting the band.
"Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got everybody here! This is great!"
"Yeah," Duke replies, "it's okay."
The jazz player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!"
Duke replied, "Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings."
___________________________________
No, they're banjo jokes.
Wait! They're Cello jokes...
Wait! Wait!.....
How do you know the drummer/banjo player/ cello player is at the door?
He just keeps knocking harder and faster and still doesn't know when to come in...
_________________________________
What is the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
Eventually the bond will mature and earn money.
_____________________________________
The drummer locked his keys in the car. It took him an hour and a half to get a locksmith there to get his wife and family out.
________________________________________
How do you get a bass player off your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
__________________________________________
What do you call a guy who hangs around musicians all the time?
Drummer...
________________________________________________
blue112
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2004
- Posts
- 243
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Skinny Dippin
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice --
picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange
and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice --
picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange
and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of
the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men can still think fast.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "this is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey. So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick !
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "this is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey. So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick !
jadefirefly
Numb
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2005
- Posts
- 2,023
This is some good shit!
MagicFingers said:
NaughtyLil1
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 26, 2004
- Posts
- 19,039
Sad news
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A COMMON TATER
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries and when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
A COMMON TATER
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
Last month was the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.
He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel
Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts,
the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel
Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first
marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts,
the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
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