How to make people laugh

[redbarron77]

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking
you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.


4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I
get.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good
friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth....

 

[smoothdevil]

As You Slide Down The Bannister Of Life. . . . . .


1. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss...
the Pope expects you to kiss his ring.

3. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and its gone.

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and the ice, well, it
really chilled the mood.

6. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash
out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the
whole house.

7. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending
machines and a large trash can.

8. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told
me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

9. I' m so depressed. My doctor refused to write me
a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like
putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

10. Definition of a teenager: God's punishment for
enjoying sex.

11. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do
More Than Lay People."

12. As we slide down the bannister of life, may the
splinters never point the wrong way.

 

[smoothdevil]

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if.....

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if....
People ask when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of." )

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor
to howling.

You Know Your Church! Is A Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if....
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Every pick-up truck in the church parking lot has at least
1/8 of a ton of junk, ahem, "potential resources" in the
back.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are,
"Ya'll come back now!! Ya hear!

 

[smoothdevil]

>A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

> "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

> "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

> "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to
> install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can
> practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into
> space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

> Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

> "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

> "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter became a stripper."
>

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
>
> 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
>
> 2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY
> APPRECIATIVE.
>
> 3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
>
> 4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> SUPERHIGHWAY.
>
> 5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
> COMPANION.
>
> 6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
>
> 7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
> INCONVENIENCED.
>
> 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY
> ENHANCED.
>
> 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
>
> 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
>
> 11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY
> SUPERIOR.
>
> 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
>
>
> HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
>
> 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID
> GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
>
> 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
>
> 3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
> ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
>
> 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
>
> 5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
> DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
>
> 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
> ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
>
> 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
> RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
>
> 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
>
> 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
> CHALLENGED
>
> 10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
>

Delete Reply

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.

The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.

Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.

The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.

156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.

So girl, if you are not getting your half mile every year, I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!

 

[Saucyminx]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and
asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[blue112]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[Quoll]

Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favorite
watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can
you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked.

She shook her head no again.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started
to lick her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

 

[MercyMia]

Heh heh heh! Super, quoll! "Let's face it, maam. You don't really come here for the Armadillo burgers, do you?"

Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favorite
watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing
down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can
you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked.

She shook her head no again.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started
to lick her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction
and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that
Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

 

[Little Bird]

Tourism Follies

The world is a big place. We can't know everything about everywhere, but sometimes it's funny when tourists visit places and meet people completely ignorant of where they came from. Funnier still is when the tourists don't have any clue about the places they are visiting.

I think the proably best thing I've ever heard of was an exchange studend from germany in the US: "So, is Adolf Hitler still your President?"

Sometimes I really wonder if everyone with a western education really knows how the map of the world looks like. But some years ago they interviewd german teenagers in tv (to check if they are really able to vote for the first time) and many where not even able to find Germany on a map of europe, so this is proof, that it's not caused by the ignorism of the world outside their own country, that is often attributed to american society in europe.
People are that dumb everywhere...

 

[MercyMia]

An oldie, but goodie.

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in
Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, darn near froze to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here in the mustache of a guy on a
Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you
are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's
warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all
blue, and shivering and shaking again. Darn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...... I went to
the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley."

 

[smoothdevil]

Teaching the Natives
>
>A Catholic priest was about to leave his Mission in the
>jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives. He
>suddenly realizes that the one thing he never taught them
>was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk
>in the forest.

>He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

>The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

>The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little
>farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

>Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

>The priest is really getting enthusiastic about his pupil's
>results when he hears a loud rustling in the bushes. As he
>peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst
>of heavy sexual activity.

>The priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding
>a bike."

>The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun
>and kills them.

>The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
>spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind
>to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold
>blood that way?

>The chief calmly replies, "My bike."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in
Miami for a vacation.


When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley."

LMAO ... super

 

[MercyMia]

LMAO ... super

Thanks, smoothdevil...
Here's another joke with slightly larger animals in it.


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must
be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that
worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be
bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Awesome signs found around the world!

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a farmers field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock " doorbell out of order.)

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

 

[MercyMia]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always
had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car,
fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair& nbsp; of sewing
scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well
sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again,
but I will always have the limp.

 

[wally2450]

Catholic Priest

A lady has her boyfriend over while her husband is at work everyday.
One day, the husband comes home early and she throws the boyfriend into the closet. What she doesn't realize is that her 9 year old son is in the closet as well.
The boy says to the boyfriend, "Dark in here ain't it?"
"Yeah it is." says the boyfriend.
"I have a baseball for sale", the boy says.
"Really?" says the boyfriend.
"Yeah, $250." says the boy.
"$250?!?!!?"
"My daddy's right outside..."
"OK, here's the $250."
A couple of weeks later, the same thing happens again.
"Dark in here ain't it?"
"Yeah."
"I have a mitt for sale."
"How much?"
"$750"
"$750?!?!? for a mitt?"
"My daddy's right outside...."
"OK, OK!"
A few days later the dad tells the boy to get his ball and mitt so they can play catch.
"I sold em", said the boy. "I got $1000 for em."
"$1000!" the dad says, "You can't take your friends for that kind of money! You're going to Confession!"
The dad takes the boy to Confession and he goes into the booth. The Catholic preist pulls back the slide over the screen.
"Dark in here ain't it?" the boy says.
"Don't you start that crap again!" the priest says.......

 

[MercyMia]

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says:
Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You
are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party
watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the
bottom".

 

[smoothdevil]

>Subject: Sex in Arizona
>
>
>An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
>office.
>
>The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
>
>The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
>
>The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
>couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
>finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
>you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
>he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.
>
>The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
>watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
>
>This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has
>intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
>
>Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
>but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
>
>The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
>and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
>
>The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
>We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Deep Observations on Life

1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim'." --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Funny stuff

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
***********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the
optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************

 

[wally2450]

Irish humor

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer
and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into
the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things
don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious

as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end.
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their
condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered,
"Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."


O'Malley said, "I know. I don't want any of them sleeping with your
mother after I'm gone."

 

[Cathleen]

Just got this from a friend:




A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk,

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we have many different models."

The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong, aandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"


The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."

The poor old lady replies "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

 

[smoothdevil]

>> >>GRANDPA ON THE PORCH
>>
>>
>>
>> A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting
>> on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only shirt, with nothing on
>> from the waist down.

>>"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone
>> to see!" he exclaimed.
>>
>> The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

>>"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
>> waist?" he asked again.

>>The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat
>> out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

>>This is your grandma's idea."
>>
>>