How to make people laugh

[Quoll]

Americans just can't seem to get it right



The train was quite crowded, as a United States Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine
asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

 

[MercyMia]

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Ah ha ha ha ha! I love it!

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

Americans just can't seem to get it right



The train was quite crowded, as a United States Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine
asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in
the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

ROTFLMAO,,,
made me think of this morning,,a very dear,very sweet older gentleman was having trouble finding his hotel in center city,down town where I work,,,,I helped him out and he said I was the most polite and kind American he had met .

 

[JustSkye]

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freeze Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of him running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Ahaha! That was a good one, Skye.


It's reminiscent of a call I received one morning.

 

[JustSkye]

Ahaha! That was a good one, Skye.


It's reminiscent of a call I received one morning.

Thank you, Naughty!


Here are a few that a friend sent recently....


(some of them are groaners)



Sex Riddles

1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight.

2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends ..

3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one!

4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your
sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.

11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in ...
Definitely!

13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.

15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite.

17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his
teeth? Gladiator.

20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood
Bank? Sperm is handmade.

21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use A lubricant

 

[MercyMia]

Vermillion Sky, those were great! I'd heard a different version of #1:

How can you tell if a fraulein is still a virgin?
She's guten tight.

How can you tell if she's already had sex?
Because of her brachen heimen.

 

[MercyMia]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

 

[JustSkye]

Thanks, Mia!! I love that second one you posted!

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

VERRYY cute

 

[blue112]

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

 

[MercyMia]

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."

Maybe what she saw were his saggy boobs

(Whatsamattah? Guys don't get saggy boobs?)

 

[JustSkye]

Sounds minds

Jim and Edna were both patients in the Selkirk mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When Jason Klainchar became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

oh my

 

[wally2450]

A Night to Remember

I lie awake waiting for you
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you
Because I cant forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night
And what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
You lay on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me
Without any guilt or humiliation,
And you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to
last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
Making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you
You f-ing mosquito!

 

[Ron54]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[Ron54]

Golf Rules

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.


2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.


3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!


4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.


5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.


6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.


7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.


8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.


9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.


10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

 

[jadefirefly]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.


2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.


3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!


4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.


5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.


6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.


7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.


8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.


9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.


10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.


WELL DONE. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

Oh my god.. people in Scottsdale have a sense of humor?

 

[Ron54]

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that
he had slept o ver at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and
two claimed that he was still there !

 

[MercyMia]

Literary Humor

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop

A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
--- Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
--- Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
--- Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
---William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
--- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
--- Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
--- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."
--- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
--- Forrest Tucker "

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it."
--- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
--- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--- Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
--- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
--- Billy Wilder Writing

 

[smoothdevil]

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop
etc

super

 

[smoothdevil]

Bull Discussion


Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."



Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."



Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."



They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.



First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare A few for our new friend."



Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."



They look over at their Young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.



First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."



Third Bull: "Sheeet, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Orgasms



Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = There's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavis and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[MercyMia]

Third Bull: "Sheeet, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!

LOL! I love punch lines that catch me off guard. This one had me laughing with my mouth WIDE open

 

[smoothdevil]

A Night to Remember


I lie awake waiting for you
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you
Because I cant forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night
And what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
You lay on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me
Without any guilt or humiliation,
And you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to
last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
Making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you
...
....
.....
You f-ing mosquito!

 

[MercyMia]

From Stand to Reason

I saw a sign in a restaurant that read, "You are what you eat." So I pointed out to the waitress that this was true only if you are identical to (the same thing as) your body.

Further, if you are what you eat, then you couldn't be something until you've eaten something. But you can't eat something until you are something. So you must be something before you eat something. Therefore, it's not true that you are what you eat.

The waitress looked a me and said, "You'll have to talk to the manager."