How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
Being an egg
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
For all you lexophiles (lovers of words)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
short attention span
Did you hear about the opthamologist who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle out of himself?
No?
Well then, three women were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office, one brunette, one redhead, and one blonde. Since their babies were all due about the same time, they got to talking.
The brunette said, "I'm reading the most interesting article. It says here that the position you got pregnant in will determine the sex of your baby. I was riding him, so I'm going to have a boy."
The redhead said, "Oh, we were in the missionary position. What am I going to have?" The brunette tells her a girl.
All of a sudden, the blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The two other women become very concerned and try to console her. "What's the matter honey?," the brunette asks.
The weeping woman manages to stammer out, "I'm going to have puppies."
Did you hear about the opthamologist who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle out of himself?
No?
Well then, three women were sitting in the Ob/Gyn office, one brunette, one redhead, and one blonde. Since their babies were all due about the same time, they got to talking.
The brunette said, "I'm reading the most interesting article. It says here that the position you got pregnant in will determine the sex of your baby. I was riding him, so I'm going to have a boy."
The redhead said, "Oh, we were in the missionary position. What am I going to have?" The brunette tells her a girl.
All of a sudden, the blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The two other women become very concerned and try to console her. "What's the matter honey?," the brunette asks.
The weeping woman manages to stammer out, "I'm going to have puppies."
delirious39
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2004
- Posts
- 2,435
Saucyminx said:
Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Optical illusion
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
It`s a joke ok!
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior , and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-trunk boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love, we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it gain to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Too Blessed to be Stressed!
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior , and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing, your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-trunk boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love, we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it gain to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Too Blessed to be Stressed!
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Back soon
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Back soon
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Subject: Endowment:
A group of 1st,2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
A group of 1st,2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
One day a little girl came to her mother and asked where babies came from. The mother patiently explained the birds and the bees to her. The little girl looked puzzled. "Ok mom, I understand about the egg and the sperm together make a baby, but how do they get together? Do you swallow it?"
The mother replied, "Only if you want a new dress, dear."
The mother replied, "Only if you want a new dress, dear."
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
There were these two college students who needed one more class to graduate. Tom was going over to the college to register and Bob said "register me for the easiest class you can find, something like underwater basket weaving...". Tom goes over to the college and is reading the class guide when one of the advisors comes up to him and asks if he can help. Tom explains the situation and the advisor suggests that the two young men take a class called "Relative Theory".
Tom says "I don't know, that sounds pretty hard, we were looking for something really easy". The advisor replies "Well son, let me give you an example... Lets say you asked the question do you have a lawn mower? And the person answers yes, you could assume that this person probably has grass and if they have grass then they probably live in a house or condo - right?" Tom says "Yes, that makes since". Then the advisor says "If they live in a house or condo, you could make the assumption they might be married - right?". Tom says "Yes". Then the advisor says, "If they are married, then this person would be a heterosexual - right?" Tom says "Yes, I see - that's relative theory."
So Tom goes back to the dorm and Bob says "So, what easy class did you get us"? Tom says "Relative Theory". Bob says " Wow, that sounds hard". Tom says "No, it's actually pretty simple, let me give you an example - Do you have a lawnmower? Bob says "No." Tom says "queer".
Tom says "I don't know, that sounds pretty hard, we were looking for something really easy". The advisor replies "Well son, let me give you an example... Lets say you asked the question do you have a lawn mower? And the person answers yes, you could assume that this person probably has grass and if they have grass then they probably live in a house or condo - right?" Tom says "Yes, that makes since". Then the advisor says "If they live in a house or condo, you could make the assumption they might be married - right?". Tom says "Yes". Then the advisor says, "If they are married, then this person would be a heterosexual - right?" Tom says "Yes, I see - that's relative theory."
So Tom goes back to the dorm and Bob says "So, what easy class did you get us"? Tom says "Relative Theory". Bob says " Wow, that sounds hard". Tom says "No, it's actually pretty simple, let me give you an example - Do you have a lawnmower? Bob says "No." Tom says "queer".
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
*giggles* LoL! Those are funny you guys! Thanks for sharing! 
MagicFingers
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Posts
- 2,373
And you're quite beautiful!
This one's old, but cute:
DR. PHIL WAS CONDUCTING A GROUP THERAPY SESSION WITH
FOUR YOUNG MOTHERS AND THEIR SMALL CHILDREN.
"YOU ALL HAVE OBSESSIONS," HE OBSERVED.
TO THE FIRST MOTHER, HE SAID, "YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH EATING.
YOU'VE EVEN NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER CANDY."
HE TURNED TO THE SECOND MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS WITH MONEY.
AGAIN, IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, PENNY."
HE TURNS TO THE THIRD MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS ALCOHOL.
THIS,TOO, MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, BRANDY."
AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING."
Yes, great jokes people.Xectxny19X said:*giggles* LoL! Those are funny you guys! Thanks for sharing!
This one's old, but cute:
DR. PHIL WAS CONDUCTING A GROUP THERAPY SESSION WITH
FOUR YOUNG MOTHERS AND THEIR SMALL CHILDREN.
"YOU ALL HAVE OBSESSIONS," HE OBSERVED.
TO THE FIRST MOTHER, HE SAID, "YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH EATING.
YOU'VE EVEN NAMED YOUR DAUGHTER CANDY."
HE TURNED TO THE SECOND MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS WITH MONEY.
AGAIN, IT MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, PENNY."
HE TURNS TO THE THIRD MOM. "YOUR OBSESSION IS ALCOHOL.
THIS,TOO, MANIFESTS ITSELF IN YOUR CHILD'S NAME, BRANDY."
AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING."
Munachi
Sumaq Sipas
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2005
- Posts
- 10,456
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price! He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked, and return it tomorrow and get a $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and TADA ! and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price! He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked, and return it tomorrow and get a $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and TADA ! and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Oh a librarian, I see.
REVEYRAND'S LIBRARY LAWS
(with apologies to Murphy)
6 books on a topic + 5 classes = odds are 2-to-1 on teachers assigning the same topic at the same time.
Budget statements from the District Office are always inversely proportional to your budget.
If you made the system foolproof you discover that everybody has suddenly become geniuses.
When 60% of your book order is back-ordered, you can safely bet that 90% of the back-orders are out of print.
A "missing" encyclopedia will remain missing until the replacement you ordered is placed on the shelf.
Books will remain upright on the shelf until you go to place another book beside them.
You finally revise you card catalogue after putting it off for a year only to discover a week later that a complete revision is coming out in a month.
You can be sure the student who has the most overdue books reads the least.
When a teacher recommends a library book to a student, you can be certain that the teacher has checked out the only copy and has lent it to a friend in Peru.
Students always require a 400 word article for a 500 word essay.
Change libraries frequently. It allows you to place the blame on your predecessor for anything that is wrong.
Make 17 subject headings for a book and you will find that you should have made 18.
If a teacher discusses a unit with you well in advance, it is a certainty that she will be absent on the days scheduled, the substitute cannot administer the unit, and when the teacher returns she cannot do the unit because she has to make up for lost time.
The one time of the month that you take 5 minutes to read MAD magazine is when your superintendent walks in.
Prepare your year-end report in September before you have screwed everything up.
If it's a good book, it's out of stock. If it's an excellent book, it's out of print.
No matter how many books you have on a subject the student always thinks they're all "too big".
The "super" syndrome: Libraries are always empty when the principal or superintendent comes to visit.
The volunteer aide who files the worst is the one who volunteers the most.
If you have a system that works you must be doing everything wrong.
When you spend half your library budget on a teacher's request for a course the odds are that the teacher will quit or be transferred and the course will be dropped or changed.
No matter how long you keep an article or piece of information you will never need it till you throw it away.
If you have lost one issue of a magazine there will be 35 students who will require that issue.
No books are lost except those that are most needed and hardest to replace.
The books you need the most always come from your worst supplier or jobber.
Every librarian should have a full-time aide. It allows you to put the blame on someone.
If everything's fine you're probably in the wrong library.
When you re-catalogue a book to correct an error, you automatically create seven new problems.
If you close the library only 3 days before year end for inventory and administration it is a fact that 2 teachers will ask you to do a library lesson on those days. These are teachers you couldn't get into the library before but now need marking time.
The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
REVEYRAND'S LIBRARY LAWS
(with apologies to Murphy)
6 books on a topic + 5 classes = odds are 2-to-1 on teachers assigning the same topic at the same time.
Budget statements from the District Office are always inversely proportional to your budget.
If you made the system foolproof you discover that everybody has suddenly become geniuses.
When 60% of your book order is back-ordered, you can safely bet that 90% of the back-orders are out of print.
A "missing" encyclopedia will remain missing until the replacement you ordered is placed on the shelf.
Books will remain upright on the shelf until you go to place another book beside them.
You finally revise you card catalogue after putting it off for a year only to discover a week later that a complete revision is coming out in a month.
You can be sure the student who has the most overdue books reads the least.
When a teacher recommends a library book to a student, you can be certain that the teacher has checked out the only copy and has lent it to a friend in Peru.
Students always require a 400 word article for a 500 word essay.
Change libraries frequently. It allows you to place the blame on your predecessor for anything that is wrong.
Make 17 subject headings for a book and you will find that you should have made 18.
If a teacher discusses a unit with you well in advance, it is a certainty that she will be absent on the days scheduled, the substitute cannot administer the unit, and when the teacher returns she cannot do the unit because she has to make up for lost time.
The one time of the month that you take 5 minutes to read MAD magazine is when your superintendent walks in.
Prepare your year-end report in September before you have screwed everything up.
If it's a good book, it's out of stock. If it's an excellent book, it's out of print.
No matter how many books you have on a subject the student always thinks they're all "too big".
The "super" syndrome: Libraries are always empty when the principal or superintendent comes to visit.
The volunteer aide who files the worst is the one who volunteers the most.
If you have a system that works you must be doing everything wrong.
When you spend half your library budget on a teacher's request for a course the odds are that the teacher will quit or be transferred and the course will be dropped or changed.
No matter how long you keep an article or piece of information you will never need it till you throw it away.
If you have lost one issue of a magazine there will be 35 students who will require that issue.
No books are lost except those that are most needed and hardest to replace.
The books you need the most always come from your worst supplier or jobber.
Every librarian should have a full-time aide. It allows you to put the blame on someone.
If everything's fine you're probably in the wrong library.
When you re-catalogue a book to correct an error, you automatically create seven new problems.
If you close the library only 3 days before year end for inventory and administration it is a fact that 2 teachers will ask you to do a library lesson on those days. These are teachers you couldn't get into the library before but now need marking time.
The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
awww...Thanks. *blushes*
ROFLMAO!!! Good one! Thanx. Love your AV btw!
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
MagicFingers said:
Yes, great jokes people.
AT THIS POINT, THE FOURTH MOTHER GETS UP TAKES HER LITTLE BOY BY THE HAND AND WHISPERS, "COME ON DICK, WE'RE LEAVING."
ROFLMAO!!! Good one! Thanx. Love your AV btw!
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
We must have worked at the same library
A blonde walked into a library and came up to the counter. She said to the librarian, "I'll take a big mac, some fries, and a diet coke."
The librarian said, "oh, I'm sorry, but this is a library."
The blonde says, "oh, I'm sorry, *whispers* I'll take a big mac..."
A blonde walked into a library and came up to the counter. She said to the librarian, "I'll take a big mac, some fries, and a diet coke."
The librarian said, "oh, I'm sorry, but this is a library."
The blonde says, "oh, I'm sorry, *whispers* I'll take a big mac..."
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Not worked, just a bibliophile
LIGHTBULB JOKES
How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!
How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first.
How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one provided it is in AACR2.
How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"
How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None if it has a LCSH heading.
How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood).
How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan.
How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)
LIGHTBULB JOKES
How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work!
How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first.
How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one provided it is in AACR2.
How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
(with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!"
How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None if it has a LCSH heading.
How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood).
How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan.
How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)
Xectxny19X
The Dark Angel
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2005
- Posts
- 2,103
Little Johnny Likes To Gamble
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Men
1. Men are like ....**Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ... Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders . You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .... Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ... Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a >>little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken,
the rest are handicapped.
1. Men are like ....**Laxatives .... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ... Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .... Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders . You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.
6. Men are like ...... Commercials .. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .... Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .... Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ... Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a >>little while.
11. Men are like . Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .... Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .... Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken,
the rest are handicapped.
Quoll
Area 25
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2004
- Posts
- 10,886
Announcing the New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device, Otherwise Known as the B.O.O.K!
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The book may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward and backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, an many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The book may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward and backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, an many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
hmm, long winded today
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match
grungalunga
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2003
- Posts
- 1,204
why did god create man?
Cause a dildo cant mow the lawn
Cause a dildo cant mow the lawn
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