How to make people laugh

[JammieDodger]

Okay, okay, this is probably an old joke and if you're not british there's a chance you won't get it. Its a regular run of the mill joke joke...

Whats grey and smells of curry?





John Major's cock.

*Badoom boom tsh*

 

[MercyMia]

"They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their
suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts
going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'"
--Jay Mohr

 

[Quoll]

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system
performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,

which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
_____
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an
Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm and try
to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus
in the background, that will eventually seize control of resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[Quoll]

OVERDOSE VICTIMS

I'm sending these graphic pictures of overdose victims not for shock
value, but rather in the hope that you will have a frank discussion
with friends and family about respecting moderation, understanding limits, and knowing when to just walk away. Remember...
This did NOT have to happen.

 

[MercyMia]

OVERDOSE VICTIMS

I'm sending these graphic pictures of overdose victims not for shock
value, but rather in the hope that you will have a frank discussion
with friends and family about respecting moderation, understanding limits, and knowing when to just walk away. Remember...
This did NOT have to happen.

LOL! Was just about to PM you and ask if you'd posted to the wrong thread by mistake! Loved the last picture the best.
Thanks for making me laugh today.

 

[Lynxie]

The 2nd one positively cracked me up....thanks quoll

 

[MercyMia]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father Pedro says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. Halfway down the hall he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he
drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough another bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more goes, then yells... "Holy Mary, Mother of God... hand lotion, too!"

 

[Bobmi357]

Strange Sex Laws....

-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan
must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.)

-- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

-- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.)

-- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

-- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with
you -- or holding you in his arms.

-- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown --
if they're nude.

-- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart
when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make
love on the floor between the beds!

-- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even
if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have
sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton
nightshirts.

-- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

-- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

-- In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity
with the lights on.

-- In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of
a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American
male."

-- It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up
from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two
minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

-- A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!)

-- Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered
species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows
or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were
successful in their lobbying efforts.)

-- Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while
they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

-- In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a
parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or
van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

-- Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio
- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

-- No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged
with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

-- It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct
official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in
session.

 

[Quoll]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university
chemistry exam.
The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

[Throckmorton]

this always works for me

 

[Quoll]

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to
prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep
into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.
Further studies are expected.

 

[cymbline]

Top Ten - Letterman

Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down by Dave Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped ..
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

 

[blue112]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt. Sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "Why don't you please shut up?!?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

 

[MagicFingers]

Shopping

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher again understood, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Stop, for a moment, and try to visualize what you think she did. Then, scroll down.)













What in the world were you thinking?



Hellooooooo... ...her husband speaks English!

Now get back to work!!

 

[cymbline]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny body calls, I'm out here.

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Major !
Major who ?
Major answer didn't I !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Annetta !
Annetta who ?
Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here !

 

[Quoll]

Hello gorgeous



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a
Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds ... a lot quicker than a
doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He
deposits ten pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
In two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping @ Woolworths."


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st
floor).

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.


"Thank you for shopping at Woolworths"

 

[Xectxny19X]

oOh HoLy ugghhh!!!!! ROFLMAO! THAT was too funnie!

 

[amraam840]

note: do not actually attempt this in Placer County, CA. and don't let anyone drive drunk.

Two county sherrifs are posted up along the highway just in sight of the local bars, waiting for people to go home so they can get their quota on DUI's.

Around 1:30am a larger man is thrown out of one of the bars' front door. This is noted by the sherrifs as just what they were here for. The drunk hollars and shouts for a minute, then picks himself up slowly and dusts off, staggering. As he stumbles around the parking lot, with the cops watching him, a person or two walk out of the bars, get in their cars, and drive off. The man is being verbally abusive to noone in particular, checking *every* car, trying to find his. The cops are watching this guy, rubbing their hands together in wait of their easy arrest. Some more people leave unnoticed. The drunk finally finds his car, and with much trouble unlocks it and gets in the passenger side. By now, the cops are in a hoot, throughly entertained and can't hardly wait for the story to tell the boys at the station. The man creates a commotion as he realizes he's on the wrong side and another customer leaves the bars. The guy makes his way across the center of his car, falling into the driver's position, starts his car and subsequently kills it. He does this several times, and after much effort finds reverse and leaves, peeling out. This whole time, more customers have gotten in their cars to go home. The obvious drunk finally makes it out to the road and driving normally, gets about 10 yards out of the parking lot, before he is rolled on by the waiting sherrifs. He, in a sober manner, presents ID, registration, proof of insurance, and complies with all they ask of him. Still more people leave the bars. The sherrifs get to asking if he's been drinking to which he replies "No sirs, not tonight." They ask him to get out and do a field sobriety test, and as he complies, more people leave, watching the unfolding scene. The man passes all tests and is obviously not drunk. Eyes normal, breath rank but no alchol on it. As the last customer leaves the bar and the bars close their doors and shut down for the evening, the would-be arresting officer asks what the hell he was doing this whole time.

To which he replied tonight was my turn to be the DD (Designated Decoy).

 

[grungalunga]

call any sort of LAND transportation company (dont want to give any names) and ask for a ticket to hawaii.

 

[amraam840]

Ever wonder what would happen if you put a slinky on an escalator?
Idea ganked from Running with Scissors

 

[grungalunga]

stand in front of a tall building, and just start looking up with a concerned look on your face.

 

[MercyMia]

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly,
widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening Charles goes to a singles bar where he spots the most
beautiful woman he's ever seen. Her natural beauty takes his breath
away.

"I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening...

...and the next day, she became his stepmother.

 

[Quoll]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10
pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes
out and no more appear .

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er . How moch was in dare
den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
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I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

 

[MagicFingers]

Nice jokes, people. Keep 'em comming!

Here is what you get when you combine Viagara with Mexican Jumping Beans.
(Wait for it to load. It's animated!)

 

[MercyMia]

Here is what you get when you combine Viagara with Mexican Jumping Beans.
(Wait for it to load. It's animated!)

That's so funny! Thanks for the laughs, people!