How to "kink up" my vanilla husband?

[NaughtyIsNice]

This is my first post, although I've been lurking here for years.

I have a simple question: How do I get my sweet, old-fashioned husband to be interested in something besides vanilla sex? We've been together about 15 years and very rarely have sex, simply because it's not very arousing or satisfying for me. He doesn't initiate (he's workaholic and always busy, falling quickly asleep at night), and I have zero interest in boring sex. I can't even orgasm from it.

I'm very sexual minded, and there's very little I wouldn't try or do in the bedroom. More than anything, I want an erotic, red-hot love affair with my husband. During sex when he's aroused, I've mentioned kinkier variations I'd like to try (like anal, toys, videos, etc.) and he politely listens but shows no interest. He's only performed oral sex on me once or twice - although I give him a BJ every single time we have sex (I crave it and he loves it).

How do I change this? I don't want a gentleman in the bedroom! I want to be chased, ravished, taken & used so I can't walk for a week. Help!

 

[silverwhisper]

first things first: if he doesn't see any reason for change, nothing is gonna change. you need to make him want to change, probably by showing him why change is good.

i think you need to explain to him in a non-sexual contest that your sexual encounters are not entirely satisfying and this is why you show no enthusiasm given his very conventional preferences. if he isn't interested in your sexual pleasure--and yes, you must phrase it that way--then ask him for alternatives, whatever those might be, to meet you halfway.

the question is what's changed? was he always conventional? or is the issue that you've changed and he hasn't? either way, this is an uphill battle.

ed

 

[njlauren]

Couple of thoughts:

1)Was he always boring like that? What he always missionary position sex, roll over and go to sleep? Or is that something that has happened in recent years? If he has always been like that, then it is a different story..

But if it is recently, it could be several things. One is that quite honestly if he is a workaholic, has a high stress job, that kills the sex drive, I know that only too well, if you have long, stressful days the last thing you want to think about is the kind of wild passionate sex you talk about...not because he doesn't love you, but he is worn out and tired and that is all he feels like he can do. If you want that kind of sex, you are going to need time IMO to allow him rest to be charged up to do that (and again, that is if stress is behind this.

The other thing is, if you have been together 15 years, that means he prob is now in his mid to late 30's, and at that age testosterone levels are dropping (while ironically many women's are going up), it can kill sex drive, combine that with stress, well, not good......he may want to get a physical and have that checked, just to see. There are herbal things I found that worked (usually compounds with ginko and horny goat weed), that may help if that seems to be a problem.

2)If he has aways been like this, then you need to do some talking with him about it, about your needs and

. Some people have trouble with that kind of sex, thinking that for example, 'taking' their wife is abuse, hurting them, or they may have a conservative background.

One thing I can think of is ask him his fantasies, have a night where there is a no pressure conversation to talk about them..if he says he has no fantasies, I would be really suspicious, I have known a variety of guys and they all seem to have them....if he has some, it may be that is a way to get him interested in yours.

Another suggestion would be to get him to agree to look at videos that show the kind of sex you are talking about, whatever it is, not in the context of getting horny for bed but rather to sit and watch and talk about. By doing that, you are taking off the pressure, often when couples try this they think they have to watch porn or erotic sex guides (there are plenty of videos out there about almost every aspect of sex, designed to teach, rather then being erotic per se) and then do it right away....again, allows discussion, to see what he is feeling/thinking.

It sounds like you really love him and want to share your sexuality with them, and that is great, because that is a great basis to start with. That said, he also has to recognize that sex is important to you, that the once a month vanilla sex is leaving your feeling unloved/unwanted/unsatisfied, that you want to share this with him. Politely listening is great, but that also is like blowing someone off.

One suggestion, think he would be willing to go to a counsellor with you familiar with sexuality (and please make sure they are certified in this, I have known of counselors who might as well been grandma moses, their idea of sex was like something from victorian england *gag*). They can help you guys communicate and figure out what is going on.

It could be that he simply cannot think of sex as anything but vanilla sex with the lights out, but if you go to a counselor, it may be easier to figure out if that is true, or for example, he is embarrassed, worried you would balk at his fantasies, or was brainwashed by some sort of conservative atitudes that sex is for making babies or something........

And yes, it could be that his ideas of sex are totally different then yours, that he simply doesn't care that much about sex, and at that point you are in the dilemma often referred to on here, where you have unequal sex drives/desires, and that isn't easy, as someone else said, if that is the way it looks and hubby is sure, then you have some discussions to have, thoughts on what to do as an alternative (could be a lot of things, search out some of the threads on here on unequal sex drives/desires)...rangers from being allowed to have sex outside the marriage in its various forms (which for some husbands takes off the pressure of 'having to perform', interestingly) to in some cases agreeing that it won 't work and amicably moving on or whatever else they can come up with.

I wish you luck, one piece of advice, if you love your Husband and really need/want him to be able to follow you on this path, don't give up easily, it may not be easy, but try the alternatives people suggest, let him know it is important to you (i.e don't let it drop, don't say "oh, okay, he doesn't care, that's it), before throwing in the towel.....some people might also look outside to have this sexual need fulfilled without the husband knowing, I don't recommend that personally, I think even if hubby doesn't know and the wife is satisfied (or vice versa), I think long term it will end up turning the marriage into a sham, not because of having sex outside of it per se, but the emotional distancing I observe happening with doing that......it obviously is an option, just don't recommend it myself....

 

[NaughtyIsNice]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate the feedback and realize I'll have to have "the conversation." It's a bit embarrassing to think how I'll have to lay it out there, but I don't see another way.

Has he always been conventional? Yes - in basically every way. It's one of the things I love most about him. He's truly a good, hard working man who would do anything I asked. Anything. I guess that's the problem: I don't want to be "accommodated" simply because I asked. I want him to be an initiator. Oh well.

After we talk, and he knows how I feel, I'm going to start a flat-out seduction to get that guy panting after me. I'll also buy the herbs you suggested.

And I love the idea of talking about HIS fantasies. Everyone has them, right? Maybe it's time to pull his out of the closet.

 

[Wyldfire]

I've seen too many of this type of threads here over the years. The surrounding frippery may be different, but the core of it's the same. It all boils down to "what about me?"

You say you love him, you say he's important to you, yet here you are out on the 'Net trying to get advice on how to change him for your personal benefit. You say you've talked to him about it and he has had no interest. To me that sounds like he's pretty adamant. You can talk to him again, but I'd be very careful about it. Especially if you really do love him. He might just realize how poor the fit is.

There is one more angle in this as well. I'm not going to say it unless you really want to hear it, but I think you know what it is........

 

[BeachMomma]

Have you ever read erotica to him? Try finding your favorite stories on the main Literotica site and read them to him - then tell him you'd love to try that with him.

There's also some really good ideas in 30 Days of Romance: Her Story.

Another thing you could try - Spencer's in any mall has quite a few sex games. Maybe you could start with one of the tamer games - such as sexy dice games. You take turns throwing the dice and do whatever it tells you to do. Hubby and I play a lot of online games, so we've been known to turn any game into strip *fill in the blank* or playing for sexual favors. When playing for sexual favors, instead of removing an article of clothing, the winner gets to choose what sexual favor the "non-winner" will do for them. It can be poker, checkers, euchre, or anything else that you might play together.

My most common piece of advice, however, is to remember that he's not a mind-reader. Few men are. When you're having sex, just come right out and ask him to do what you want.

 

[sunandshadow]

Maybe a vacation. If he's bored and can't focus on work it might be easier to get him to focus his drive to accomplish things on trying out new sex ideas.

 

[amofiga]

Little strip poker type games and such can be fun but they are generally temporary and don't necessarily address what might be a fundamental difference in what you find erotic and sexy and what your hubby does. In fact, he may not be the "erotic" type and has fallen into a "married for 15 years" comfort zone, aka boring and same old same old because it's easy and safe. I speak from a little bit of experience after nearly 45 years of marriage and lots of ups and downs over the years, some of which were nearly devistating to the marriage and (sad to admit) my fault.

An important factor is how interested he really is in the kind of sex you're really interested in and if your interests are fundamental to your personality and sexuality or are just a desire to 'fun it up" a little. Are you truly interested and tuned on by such things as some bondage or dirty talk or fantasy role play or using sex toys? You need to know if these things are something he really gets charged over or will do to just please you. I tried some things with my wife years ago and found out the hard way that she just wasn't into some of them. She was willing to talk about some, got pissed off about some others, and willing to try a few to "give it a shot". Bottom line, you need to learn what's really in his head and heart and pants and make absolutely sure he's willing to tell you without fear of negative feedback from you. Sometimes one or the other partner gets upset or even a little scared if they see a part of the other that they never saw before and doesn't seem to fit the expected image. Does he see you as a sexual creature or only as a wife and soccer mom? That's hard for some guys.

I liked Beach Momma's idea about reading (and perhaps even writing) some erotica to see what yanks his crank and letting him see what gets your fires going. Does he like erotica and porn or does he think it's "silly" or somehow "wrong"? The thing is, let him see that you're serious and it isn't just a "party game". I've found that party games work now and then and we've tried a few "strip trivia" and things like that, but unfortunately after one or two times, that gets same-old too. It has to be something at the core of who you are to find a common ground for sexual compatibility. The unfortunate fact is that sometimes, two people just don't see their sexual needs in the same light.

 

[ryanswhore]

How do I change this? I don't want a gentleman in the bedroom! I want to be chased, ravished, taken & used so I can't walk for a week. Help!

I'll tell you what worked for me though I don't recommend it as a technique. My husband found out I had cheated on him and his answer to it was to fuck me senseless. Our sex life now is still amazing and I feel kind of guilty about it in a way because of how it came about but reaping the benefits of an incredible sex life is amazing!

 

[tmmmbrrr]

I dunno... none of us are in your bedroom, so all comments are "for what it is worth. My 2 cents, for what it is worth"

Communication and trust are at the heart of everything. You might have to ask and ask and ask and then even show your husband how far you are willing to go with kinkiness by taking the lead. I was lucky enough to have a gf do that for me for something she really wanted, but I never would have the idea in the first place - nor trusted her enough to propose it in the second place. She simply wouldn't give up and asked for it everytime we went to bed until I'd finally used up every evasive manuever and did as she asked. Wow!! It was great, but she had to break down one of my taboos before we could have that experience.

 

[Kim_Burly]

I'll tell you what worked for me though I don't recommend it as a technique. My husband found out I had cheated on him and his answer to it was to fuck me senseless. Our sex life now is still amazing and I feel kind of guilty about it in a way because of how it came about but reaping the benefits of an incredible sex life is amazing!

I can't add much to the good advice already given here. But I can say from personal experience that cheating is NEVER a good plan. It may have ended well forv ryanswhore, but that would be one a million. If you love him, try the good advice. Don't stray from the man you love!

 

[njlauren]

I've seen too many of this type of threads here over the years. The surrounding frippery may be different, but the core of it's the same. It all boils down to "what about me?"

You say you love him, you say he's important to you, yet here you are out on the 'Net trying to get advice on how to change him for your personal benefit. You say you've talked to him about it and he has had no interest. To me that sounds like he's pretty adamant. You can talk to him again, but I'd be very careful about it. Especially if you really do love him. He might just realize how poor the fit is.

There is one more angle in this as well. I'm not going to say it unless you really want to hear it, but I think you know what it is........

I don't know what bee got up your bonnet, but I could say the same thing about hubby, that he could be just as selfish a person, that he wants to have sex when he says and how he wants it, and that is it. What you are in effect saying that in a relationship, that there doesn't need to be compromise or that someone doesn't have the right to try and see if they can get their partner interested in what they want to do. What is interesting is you are getting all pissy because she wants to change him for 'her personal benefit'...um, sounds to me like this would benefit himself as well, a wife that is turned on by a husband is going to be a lot better mate in bed, and a lot better life partner, so he would benefit, too.

None of us know the real situation in their marriage, and that includes you, but your dudgeon that someone dared asked how to try and get her hubby interested in the kind of sex she craves is IMO ridiculous and out of line. Ever dawn on you that when you love someone, that they are important to you, that someone may want to involve them in what they are interested in. She is asking people how to try and get him interested, to reach out to him. If she didn't care about him, she could walk away, she also could very easily I assume cheat on him, but she wants to share it with him.

I have no stakes in this, I don't know either the poster or the husband, but I take it in the sense it was written, of someone wanting to know how to try and get her husband interested, to make it part of their life together, and I don't see that as a bad thing.

 

[njlauren]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate the feedback and realize I'll have to have "the conversation." It's a bit embarrassing to think how I'll have to lay it out there, but I don't see another way.

Has he always been conventional? Yes - in basically every way. It's one of the things I love most about him. He's truly a good, hard working man who would do anything I asked. Anything. I guess that's the problem: I don't want to be "accommodated" simply because I asked. I want him to be an initiator. Oh well.

After we talk, and he knows how I feel, I'm going to start a flat-out seduction to get that guy panting after me. I'll also buy the herbs you suggested.

And I love the idea of talking about HIS fantasies. Everyone has them, right? Maybe it's time to pull his out of the closet.

The herbs I talked about are not miracle cures, and may or may not work for hubby. I suggested that in case his testosterone levels have dropped and that is sapping him (it would be great if he got a checkup and had his level's checked), but it won't miraculously turn him into a tiger, either. They are designed to be taken as daily supplements, they aren't like viagra or something.

I can understand what you are saying about being accommodated, hopefully what will happen if you get him to try these things at the very least, seeing you turned on will get him turned on, even if these aren't particularly his fantasies. My wife initially got in BD/SM play , not because she was into it per se, but because it turned her on to see me turned on when she played with me, through that she later found her own inner domme

 

[fiveten4321]

Communicate

I think the very best thing you can do is to communicate with him. Guys are very simple and need to know what their spouses want and need. If he doesn't know what you want, he can't do it. If he is a good guy he will want to meet your needs. Communicating is turning on the lights in a dark room. You may not like what you see but at least you know what you are dealing with and don't have to guess. Give him a chance. Tell him what you want and then talk about how you can make that happen.

 

[BeachMomma]

The sex games idea was meant as an ice-breaker - not a substitute for communication. It's a safe, non-threatening way to bring up new ideas that won't leave him feeling defensive. It'll also allow him to see that things he previously considered taboo aren't as bad as he'd once thought.

I've been learning my own lesson in communication lately. Trust is at the core of communication. (Yeah, I know; that's pretty fundamental. What can I say? I'm slow. ) It's scary to open yourself up to the ones you love, but try it in slow increments. Allow them to pleasantly surprise you. Most of the time, things that we anticipate with fear turn out to be far less painful than we've built them up to be in our minds.

OP, try talking to him in neutral territory - on a walk, out to dinner, or during a drive. Make it as non-threatening and as non-accusatory as possible. Instead of using "you" statements, use "I" statements. "I'd love it if we could try to be more adventurous in our sex life." Avoid words like never and always. Remember - and remind him - that the two of you are a team, and you only want to enhance your marriage. Begin and end the conversation with positive statements - that you love him and you love the way he (fill in the blank). I've found that when a criticism is sandwiched between two positive comments, they're usually received more positively.

Finally, your happiness IS just as important as his. You have every right to ask for things you want in the bedroom. He has the right to say no, of course, but I'm willing to bet he's already at least thought of the things you'd enjoy. Maybe not in the context of acting them out with you, but he's fantasized about them whether he admits it or not.

Oh, one more tip - take a vacation together, even if it's just an overnight stay at a nearby hotel. Sometimes it's easier to go crazy in a strange location.

 

[Scrubber]

Good luck to you. However, it may be the case that he is simply not going to change.

I have been married for 22 years to the most unsensual person I think it is possible to find.

I made an effort to encourage him and spice things up for the first 10 years but nothing changed. The sex was deathly boring. So I let it drift to the once a week, once a month, Christmas came more often scenario and the whole thing has been dead as a doornail for the past 3 1/2 years. I don't think either of us misses the sessions we had, although I hold my hands up to both of us having shoved the problem under the carpet after some "talks" about 6 years ago.

I hope you have a more positive outcome.

 

[eric60red]

This is my first post, although I've been lurking here for years.

I have a simple question: How do I get my sweet, old-fashioned husband to be interested in something besides vanilla sex? We've been together about 15 years and very rarely have sex, simply because it's not very arousing or satisfying for me. He doesn't initiate (he's workaholic and always busy, falling quickly asleep at night), and I have zero interest in boring sex. I can't even orgasm from it.

I'm very sexual minded, and there's very little I wouldn't try or do in the bedroom. More than anything, I want an erotic, red-hot love affair with my husband. During sex when he's aroused, I've mentioned kinkier variations I'd like to try (like anal, toys, videos, etc.) and he politely listens but shows no interest. He's only performed oral sex on me once or twice - although I give him a BJ every single time we have sex (I crave it and he loves it).

How do I change this? I don't want a gentleman in the bedroom! I want to be chased, ravished, taken & used so I can't walk for a week. Help!

Now this requires lotes of carefull thought, perhaps you have to lead him into more enjoyable sex postitions. I would buy a book on sexual know how and leave it around for him to look at, perhaps in the bathroom for some toilet reading

 

[amofiga]

The sex games idea was meant as an ice-breaker - not a substitute for communication. It's a safe, non-threatening way to bring up new ideas that won't leave him feeling defensive. It'll also allow him to see that things he previously considered taboo aren't as bad as he'd once thought.

I've been learning my own lesson in communication lately. Trust is at the core of communication. (Yeah, I know; that's pretty fundamental. What can I say? I'm slow. ) It's scary to open yourself up to the ones you love, but try it in slow increments. Allow them to pleasantly surprise you. Most of the time, things that we anticipate with fear turn out to be far less painful than we've built them up to be in our minds.

OP, try talking to him in neutral territory - on a walk, out to dinner, or during a drive. Make it as non-threatening and as non-accusatory as possible. Instead of using "you" statements, use "I" statements. "I'd love it if we could try to be more adventurous in our sex life." Avoid words like never and always. Remember - and remind him - that the two of you are a team, and you only want to enhance your marriage. Begin and end the conversation with positive statements - that you love him and you love the way he (fill in the blank). I've found that when a criticism is sandwiched between two positive comments, they're usually received more positively.

Finally, your happiness IS just as important as his. You have every right to ask for things you want in the bedroom. He has the right to say no, of course, but I'm willing to bet he's already at least thought of the things you'd enjoy. Maybe not in the context of acting them out with you, but he's fantasized about them whether he admits it or not.

Oh, one more tip - take a vacation together, even if it's just an overnight stay at a nearby hotel. Sometimes it's easier to go crazy in a strange location.

Very good thoughts, especially the coversation in neutral territory and outside the heat of the moment. The notion of sharing fantasy is wonderful and works if you both can demonstrate the trust and willingness to show you accept each other's fantasies without judgement. Sometimes it's hard for a spouse to hear some of the things their partner may fantasize about if it's outside their comfort zone.

The hotel meeting is good too. I once read something like "show your wife you really desire her by occassionally taking her to a motel and treating her like a whore." I know that can sound harsh to some people but there is some merit to it. Basically it's "let's take a sex vacation from who we are and find a secret place where we can be something other than husband and wife to each other." It's probably why affairs are generally a lot "hotter" than married sex....secrecy and forbidden fruit.

However, to the person's comment about having your spouce jump started by finding out that you cheating on them.....trust me......not a good idea at all. However, perhaps the notion of letting your spouse know what you would do with someone other than them if you were alone on an island somewhere, might get the temperature up IF and ONLY IF you have the faith in each other to accept it as fantasy and not be judgemental. Some people just aren't wired to reveal "secrets" about their inner self because of their upbringing or teachings or perhaps they've been burned or embarrassed in the past by doing that sort of thing.

I've always said that it's so very easy to let someone see your body naked but so very hard to let them see your soul naked. I've often thought that it would be interesting to have a group of marrieds in some sort of "weekend encounter" counseling thing each write (anonymously) a fantasy and some of their intimate secrets and sexial desires. Then have the moderator read them to the group and each person try to guess which was their spouse's. I wonder how many would get it right? How many would be shocked? How many would be happy to learn those secrets? How might help them open up better to each other? Couples that truly have this should realize how fortunate they are.

 

[MaxSebastian]

He's truly a good, hard working man who would do anything I asked. Anything. I guess that's the problem: I don't want to be "accommodated" simply because I asked. I want him to be an initiator. Oh well.

It sounds as though he has a submissive streak, and you clearly have a submissive streak.

Maybe you could try taking a little control yourself, see if you can catch his interest some time perhaps when he's rested. And then when you're ready, you could suggest a switch of roles, see how he likes it as more of the dominant type.

Tie him up. Tell him about your fantasies while he's a captive audience. Maybe take him close to orgasm then stop, ask him to tell him his fantasies in return for a little closure.

Well, he might not go for it, but really, if he does anything you ask, surely you've only got to ask?

 

[Wyldfire]

I don't know what bee got up your bonnet, but I could say the same thing about hubby, that he could be just as selfish a person, that he wants to have sex when he says and how he wants it, and that is it. What you are in effect saying that in a relationship, that there doesn't need to be compromise or that someone doesn't have the right to try and see if they can get their partner interested in what they want to do. What is interesting is you are getting all pissy because she wants to change him for 'her personal benefit'...um, sounds to me like this would benefit himself as well, a wife that is turned on by a husband is going to be a lot better mate in bed, and a lot better life partner, so he would benefit, too.

None of us know the real situation in their marriage, and that includes you, but your dudgeon that someone dared asked how to try and get her hubby interested in the kind of sex she craves is IMO ridiculous and out of line. Ever dawn on you that when you love someone, that they are important to you, that someone may want to involve them in what they are interested in. She is asking people how to try and get him interested, to reach out to him. If she didn't care about him, she could walk away, she also could very easily I assume cheat on him, but she wants to share it with him.

I have no stakes in this, I don't know either the poster or the husband, but I take it in the sense it was written, of someone wanting to know how to try and get her husband interested, to make it part of their life together, and I don't see that as a bad thing.

The only thing I am annoyed with in all of this is the manner in which so many of the people I have seen here present their issues. I will give this OP the nod that she is giving him some credit in the relationship. But there are always better ways to find solutions than to go to a porn board and ask complete strangers. If they are serious about their concerns, they would go to professional help. Start by going to a councillor themselves to make sure the problems aren't in their head first. After finding out it isn't just them, then they propose to the S.O. that they both should get some councilling.

Again I reinforce, porn boards do not give you any result that can be accepted as a valid reference source. In cases of marital problems all that can be given by the members of a porn board is consolation and temptation. I can sympathize with her plight, I really can, however I would never consider giving her anything that I would call a diagnosis. I can however state that she should go through the route of professional help. And then there's the Litvulture guys that think wooing a married but unfulfilled woman is okay. It starts with cyber play and that may be all she needs to keep the marriage fruitful. But in many cases it tends to lead to further experimentation.

In my past I used to facilitate the guys in this kind of relationship. It never sat right with me but in those days I was more financially motivated than by thinking about the wife at home, hence my comment at the end of my original post. There is an alternative situation in this and it might be one she would not like.

I am neither positive or negative in my opinion here, simply tired of watching people come here and think the advice they get is in any way valid. Call me either a troll or Devil's advocate if you wish. But I am not going to blow rainbows and bullshit up her arse. And also, before seeking help she might want to dig deeper into the family's financials.

 

[NaughtyIsNice]

I posted the original question and am grateful for all your responses. There's lots of good advice here.

Please know I have NO desire to cheat on my husband. We have a fantastic marriage in every other way, and I'd never jeopardize that. Sex is the missing piece. For me, it's a BIG piece - but I'd rather have none at all than hurt my marriage.

Wyldfire - I posted my question here because it's a site about sex, frequented by folks who obviously enjoy a little spice like I do. I figured there might be a voice or two of experience, and I was right! Thanks for taking the time to respond. Regarding the PMs I've received (yep), they're easily deleted. Not interested, but thanks guys.

Some things I found really helpful in this thread:
* We're both submissive (too true), and I'll need to take the lead - at least for now. Who knows? Maybe I'll unleash his hidden dom (a girl can hope, right?).
* Read erotica together; show him a story that really gets me going.
* Get a hotel room & change things up in a different environment.
* Talk outside the bedroom about our sex life and what I need. And find out what HE needs.
* In the bedroom, be clear about what I want. Stop hoping he'll magically figure it out.

Again, thanks for great feedback. Now I'm off to order some new lingerie.

 

[NightL]

Wyldfire what is with all this negativity - it almost seems that you are venting yourself onto this person's situation.

hey - they asked for advice - suggestions - and why not ask here?

I have witnessed relationship saving advice being provided here time and time again. Some of these contributors I would love to meet in the outside world to just tell them how wonderful I think they are.

So?

 

[amofiga]

<<< Some things I found really helpful in this thread:
* We're both submissive (too true), and I'll need to take the lead - at least for now. Who knows? Maybe I'll unleash his hidden dom (a girl can hope, right?).
* Read erotica together; show him a story that really gets me going.
* Get a hotel room & change things up in a different environment.
* Talk outside the bedroom about our sex life and what I need. And find out what HE needs.
* In the bedroom, be clear about what I want. Stop hoping he'll magically figure it out.
>>>>>

NaughtyIsNice

Good for you. It's obvious that you are sincere in your wishes to open up your relationship with your husband and that's a lot better than risking the emotional and physical issues associated with an affair. It's true that those of us "on a porn site" aren't experts or professionals in this area, but many of us have been down the same road you have and have learned some things over the years so what you read here "ain't all bullshit".

One interesting note about indicating that you and your hubby are both a littls "submissive". Nothing wrong with that. In fact, being a little submissive can help a person be better as a dom and vice versa. I once read and heard first hand from someone into it that being a good sub requires that you under stand the dom role and being a good dom means you can be a good sub. In general, empathy and seeing the world through the eyes of others is always a good thing. Maybe if he can see that you like being a sub sometimes, it will help him understand that it's not a bad thing for him to let go and be more aggressive. I know that's the case with me. Knowing it's what she wants is a good impetus to "go for it" without feeling guilty.

I went through a lot of what you are and in some ways still am. In my humble, non-professional opinion, the most important thing in getting someone to open up is to never laugh at them or criticize their feelings and desires. Sexual feelings and "sexual secrets" are at the very core of how we see oursellves. It is a key part of our "self". When you entrust someone with part of that secret self and they say things like "You're kidding, how could you want something like that? Are you some sort of perv?" it hurts more than if they hit you with a bat. Also when you do reveal those secret parts of you, hopefully, the other person will feel your trust in return to do the same. Letting someone see their naked soul and knowing that it's accepted and loved even if it's not fully understood, is a truly intimate experience.

Good luck.

 

[njlauren]

The only thing I am annoyed with in all of this is the manner in which so many of the people I have seen here present their issues. I will give this OP the nod that she is giving him some credit in the relationship. But there are always better ways to find solutions than to go to a porn board and ask complete strangers. If they are serious about their concerns, they would go to professional help. Start by going to a councillor themselves to make sure the problems aren't in their head first. After finding out it isn't just them, then they propose to the S.O. that they both should get some councilling.

Again I reinforce, porn boards do not give you any result that can be accepted as a valid reference source. In cases of marital problems all that can be given by the members of a porn board is consolation and temptation. I can sympathize with her plight, I really can, however I would never consider giving her anything that I would call a diagnosis. I can however state that she should go through the route of professional help. And then there's the Litvulture guys that think wooing a married but unfulfilled woman is okay. It starts with cyber play and that may be all she needs to keep the marriage fruitful. But in many cases it tends to lead to further experimentation.

In my past I used to facilitate the guys in this kind of relationship. It never sat right with me but in those days I was more financially motivated than by thinking about the wife at home, hence my comment at the end of my original post. There is an alternative situation in this and it might be one she would not like.

I am neither positive or negative in my opinion here, simply tired of watching people come here and think the advice they get is in any way valid. Call me either a troll or Devil's advocate if you wish. But I am not going to blow rainbows and bullshit up her arse. And also, before seeking help she might want to dig deeper into the family's financials.

She probably came here because there are people on here who have been through a lot and don't mind sharing ideas and such. There are jerks on here, there are the little boys who will PM her to have sex, there are others who will tell her go and cheat, but there are also a variety of people on here who try to suggest things. Having people you can ask questions of anonymously can be a valuable first step, and there are enough people on here that for example, if someone suggested cheating, others would tell her the reality of that, why it wasn't a good idea. People gave suggestions they thought would help, probably based on what they have experienced. This is a BB on a porn site, but what that means is there are people who are actually into sex, into different things, and it is a lot more then a porn site. Sure, the boards attract their share of idiots, of trolls, but they also have an interesting group of people with a variety of backgrounds.

What you are writing isn't incorrect (I agree totally, professional sex counseling could be a big help) but non professional help works, too. Support groups work that way, in sharing with others you see things in yourself, people suggest things and either they resonate or they don't.

The reason I and other people responded was the tone of your post was condemning her, saying she was selfish, asking a bunch of people (which the way you wrote it strongly implies you thinking the word 'freaks') on a porn board for help, it was negative and nasty. You could very easily have written that when it comes to relationship issues, that when it comes to where the two people have different expectations, that while people on a place like this might have some interesting ideas on how to try and get what you need, that it would be better for her to seek professional counseling/help on the matter, that among other things, they could use as a sounding board if ideas on here seemed good, to see what they think.

Yes, there are trolls on here, assholes, jerks, weirdos and so forth, but there also are some people who are here because they enjoy it and do like trying to help others, and it is pretty easy to tell one from the other, because the decent posters will be quick to point out the stupid ones, and why. As far as getting PM's from men, it sounds like the OP wasn't exactly someone going to jump into cyber or whatever with people from here, she specifically said she wanted to get it to work in her marriage.

I am sure your experience made for a strong reaction, I am sure you had reasons and I can understand them, but I also see value in something like this as a starting place, not everyone on here is a twisted psycho (well, at least not in a bad way......), and it is a starting point, a place to start. I second your idea that counseling is a wonderful thing, but at the very least this place is a starting point, not everyone is comfortable with the idea of counseling or can afford it, and usually a lot of people on here are quick to suggest it as a next step.

Some other people have posted the truth, that sometimes things may not work out the way you wish, and you may have to figure out what to do then, and that is true, too, sometimes it doesn't work out, but that would be true even if you go to counseling *shrug*.

 

[opti1]

Some things I found really helpful in this thread:
* We're both submissive (too true), and I'll need to take the lead - at least for now. Who knows? Maybe I'll unleash his hidden dom (a girl can hope, right?).
* Read erotica together; show him a story that really gets me going.
* Get a hotel room & change things up in a different environment.
* Talk outside the bedroom about our sex life and what I need. And find out what HE needs.
* In the bedroom, be clear about what I want. Stop hoping he'll magically figure it out.

Again, thanks for great feedback. Now I'm off to order some new lingerie.

How is this working out for you?
My wife and I got his and hers tumblr accounts. We can each post things we find sexy or interesting. It works out well, because she doesn't like to talk about things.