How to keep him interested

[KarenDee]

OK, this is not an appeal for bedroom techniques, more a request for advice on keeping him coming back for a 3rd date, and a 4th, and....

A little background: I'm 35 years old and suffered through a messy divorce 3 years ago. Since that time I have not dated anyone, nor had any sex, relying on masturbation to help me get through things. I had gotten married when I was 16 years old, never getting a chance to finish High School. By the time I was 18, I had two kids. My ex-husband was the only man I ever dated or slept with. Despite my ability to give advice freely to others, my sexual experiences have been pretty limited.

Now a new man has entered my life. I've had two wonderful dates with him. To be honest, I'm really not apprehensive about when the sex might start, or how to handle it when it does. What I'd really like is just some down to earth advice on how to treat this guy so that I don't drive him away. I don't want to come across as too desperate, lonely, or eager to trap another guy. Should I just let him call most of the shots as far as how often we see each other, going at his pace? He's a nice, sincere guy, a little on the quiet and shy side, but I think his calm and calculated manner comes from his occupation, since he's a police officer.

My kids are not an issue, since they are 17 and 18, and they met him briefly for about 5 minutes the other day. All I got for feedback from them was "Whoa! Way to go Mom!" from my youngest. Being as how he is hardly the demonstrative type, this was like a July 4th fireworks display of approval!

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I wouldn't even post this here, but several of the answers to recent threads have brought forth some good ideas, so I figured what the hell, I'll give this a shot too!

 

[covariant]

Take it at your own pace, don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. Try to be clear with him where things stand - guys have trouble figuring out what girls want (well I always did). Don't smother him, but you're a grown-up, if you want to show affection, do it.

Good luck and tell us how it goes.

 

[KarenDee]

LOL, thanks! I'm trying to be calm and sensible, but sometimes those things get tossed out the window when you have to do it on your own. Ever notice how easy it is to see all the answers when you're viewing from the outside? That's why I'm hoping the advice will lead me down the right road!

 

[~hellbaby~]

Here are some things I learned along the 'single mom has a date for the first time in years' path.Don't talk about your kids, or stuff you have to do, or complain in general. Sometimes people don't realize they're doing it. Does he have a sport or hobby? If so, read up on it a little so you can talk about that. Know just enough so he can eplain it, unless it totally bores you. If it does totally bore you, what else do you have in common? Is there anything you always wanted to learn to do or someplace you've wanted to go, a museum or gallery? Stay away from asking him to help you pick out curtains. If he is handy and there is some little thing you need help with you can ask for pointers but you don't want him to think that's why he is there, (sometimes guys only want one thing too though ) There is a lot going on in the news, guys don't like bubbleheads, you can always find something good in the news. Good Luck!!

 

[eudaemonia]

Here's my take, line by line ...

KD:To be honest, I'm really not apprehensive about when the sex might start, or how to handle it when it does.
e: Excellent. I think you've already gotten off on the right foot.

KD:I don't want to come across as too desperate, lonely, or eager to trap another guy.
e: So, are you too desperate? Lonely? Eager to trap another guy? My guess is No, maybe a little, and no. That's all okay.

KD:Should I just let him call most of the shots as far as how often we see each other, going at his pace?
e: No, it's your relationship, too. You have just as much call in the shots as he does. And you should call them according to your needs and comfort level as well as his.

KD: He's a nice, sincere guy, a little on the quiet and shy side, but I think his calm and calculated manner comes from his occupation, since he's a police officer.
e: I'm not so sure the particulars of his demeanor are as relevant as your respective and mutual comfort levels with one another. The fact that he's nice and sincere says everything about what you're esponding to in him. Those are good qualities to be responding to!

KD:My kids are not an issue, since they are 17 and 18, and they met him briefly for about 5 minutes the other day. All I got for feedback from them was "Whoa! Way to go Mom!" from my youngest. Being as how he is hardly the demonstrative type, this was like a July 4th fireworks display of approval!
e: Well now, there you have it! Seriously, I think all too often the accounts of kids are dismissed as "they're too young, what do they know?" type of thoughts. But when those kids are close to us, they're the ones who really know us well and have our best interests at heart. Pay attention to what they say, because they're invested in your happiness like no others.

My advice is to take it slowly. It's almost impossible to take things too slowly, frankly. As long as the communication between you and the new man is open and on-the-level, taking it slow will not only build up your confidence steadily, it will make that transition into the bedroom seem perfectly natural and easy.

Good luck and let us know how it's going.

 

[KarenDee]

Thanks to you all so far. God, this is exactly what I was hoping for. Yes, just a bit lonely. And yes, we do have stuff in common...we made some plans to go for a hike up a local mountain tomorrow. We both work out at the same health club, though we don't see each other every day since his work schedule varies. And we're not into the "puppy love" marathon phone calls every day. He called the next day after both of our dates and talked about what a great time he had. 15 minute phone calls, thanking me and saying the right stuff, like how much he enjoyed my company and that it made the rest of his day a lot more pleasant, that was all. He keeps leaving me wanting more...I think that's good. He talked a lot more on the 2nd date than the first one.

LOL...you can't tell I'm excited! Have not stopped smiling since we first met.

 

[eudaemonia]

Thanks to you all so far. God, this is exactly what I was hoping for. Yes, just a bit lonely. And yes, we do have stuff in common...we made some plans to go for a hike up a local mountain tomorrow. We both work out at the same health club, though we don't see each other every day since his work schedule varies. And we're not into the "puppy love" marathon phone calls every day. He called the next day after both of our dates and talked about what a great time he had. 15 minute phone calls, thanking me and saying the right stuff, like how much he enjoyed my company and that it made the rest of his day a lot more pleasant, that was all. He keeps leaving me wanting more...I think that's good. He talked a lot more on the 2nd date than the first one.

LOL...you can't tell I'm excited! Have not stopped smiling since we first met.

Great, KD! Wonderful, excellent! So date #3 is the hike, then? This all sounds pretty level-headed and solid, with just enough anticipation and warm-fuzzy contentment. Enjoy this special time.

BTW, there's no shame about the feelings of loneliness. Take it as reassurance that you're still alive and a human being of full capacity to feel, as well as act to find fullfilment and companionship.

 

[BigM]

It's just so hard offering advice on something like this. Believe it or not, not all men are slobbering horndogs. (OK, many of us are, but still.) What attracts one guy like bees to honey will drive others away at a full tilt.

KarenDee, it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I'd offer the most cliched of comments: Keep a good sense of humor about yourself... have fun with the date... show a little skin (but not too much), smile a lot and be attentive (but not clingy)... surprise him now and then (but don't get all wacky).

See? We're that easy.

 

[Eilan]

Here are some things I learned along the 'single mom has a date for the first time in years' path.Don't talk about your kids, or stuff you have to do, or complain in general.

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with part of what you said, though I'm obviously no longer in a position in which it's an issue.

When I was separated from my ex-husband and looking to meet someone new, I decided that it would be abundantly clear to anyone I met that my kids and I are a package deal. There's no way I would have not talked about my kids, because they're an integral part of who I am. Any man who has a problem with that should seek a single woman who doesn't have children.

 

[eudaemonia]

What attracts one guy like bees to honey will drive others away at a full tilt.

Excellent point. Holds for women, too, btw guys!

See? We're that easy.

Another good point. The best piece of advice I've been given (from a male friend) is to do my best from reading too much into things, and react more to what the guy does. That's what's kept me relatively even-keeled all these months.

 

[eudaemonia]

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with part of what you said, though I'm obviously no longer in a position in which it's an issue.

When I was separated from my ex-husband and looking to meet someone new, I decided that it would be abundantly clear to anyone I met that my kids and I are a package deal. There's no way I would have not talked about my kids, because they're an integral part of who I am. Any man who has a problem with that should seek a single woman who doesn't have children.

Excellent post!! I think it's much better to be open about about what your life is all about; as Eilan puts it, what the package deal is/what's non-negotiable.

 

[~hellbaby~]

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with part of what you said, though I'm obviously no longer in a position in which it's an issue.

When I was separated from my ex-husband and looking to meet someone new, I decided that it would be abundantly clear to anyone I met that my kids and I are a package deal. There's no way I would have not talked about my kids, because they're an integral part of who I am. Any man who has a problem with that should seek a single woman who doesn't have children.

I agree 100%, I meant don't start with the night you conceived and go from there till an hour ago. I keep things I say very general and limited when I talk about my kid until I know someone a while.That was something I learned in a rather unexpected and disturbing, (thankfully not abusive,) way.

 

[KarenDee]

Gosh you all are so nice with the advice, I'm nearly weepy here! Thankfully the kids are really not an issue, older teens nearly on their own (well not quite). Funny thing is, there isn't a bit of advice here that I didn't know already, but just you reinforcing it reminds me to stay relaxed and enjoy his company. I know how to do this...I just needed friends telling me I'm OK!

 

[~hellbaby~]

I also hear belly dancing is good to learn.

 

[KarenDee]

I also hear belly dancing is good to learn.

LOL...with my boobs he'll either get sea-sick or I'll put an eye out!

 

[Eilan]

I agree 100%, I meant don't start with the night you conceived and go from there till an hour ago. I keep things I say very general and limited when I talk about my kid until I know someone a while.That was something I learned in a rather unexpected and disturbing, (thankfully not abusive,) way.

Ok, okay. In that case I agree with you.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with part of what you said, though I'm obviously no longer in a position in which it's an issue.

When I was separated from my ex-husband and looking to meet someone new, I decided that it would be abundantly clear to anyone I met that my kids and I are a package deal. There's no way I would have not talked about my kids, because they're an integral part of who I am. Any man who has a problem with that should seek a single woman who doesn't have children.

Those are really good points, too. I'm not speaking for hellbaby, but I've known some people who are in the habit of talking almost exclusively about their kids. Quite honestly, it's gotten to the point where I've started thinking, 'WTF is wrong with you? Enough about how gifted they are, every single accomplishment, the wonders of potty training, the hundreds of cute pictures you took of them sleeping and making messes last week, the doctors appointments, the behavior problems...blah, blah, blah!' You know, the ones who seem to be living vicariously through their kids, or perhaps have forgotten they are in fact adults, there's a host of other things to talk about, and just maybe you, as their friend/neighbor/relative/date, would like to know how they're doing, and vice versa? As a friend who was having her second (her first was 16 though, so it'd been quite sometime) so aptly put it, "Whatever you do, please, please, please tell me if I'm turning into one of those nutty people who talk about their babies nonstop! I'm really excited, but have told all of my girlfriends to tell me the truth and shut me up if I do."

NOT the people like you, Eilan...with four, you have a hell of a lot to talk about, and while you do share, you balance it with a wide variety of other topics and questions for others.

Of course every good parent is going to have kid-focused conversation some of the time, and personally, I love hearing about the kids and the trials and triumphs of parenthood. I'm just saying IMO, it can get out of hand just like anything else, and I can see where that could be especially problematic when getting to know someone and dating. I can imagine the other person might start wondering if s/he was really dating the parent, or the kids (keeping in mind your points about the "package deal").

 

[Eilan]

NOT the people like you, Eilan...with four, you have a hell of a lot to talk about, and while you do share, you balance it with a wide variety of other topics and questions for others.

Did I tell you about that awesomely poopy diaper that I changed the other day?

 

[LukkyKnight]

...thing is, there isn't a bit of advice here that I didn't know already...

Naturally. Be yourself. If he finds that attractive you go forward. If not, at least he didn't fall for somebody you're not.

 

[~hellbaby~]

LOL...with my boobs he'll either get sea-sick or I'll put an eye out!

Hey, maybe you'll hypnotize him~just think of the possibilities !!
http://pics.livejournal.com/fuzzyduckfuzz/pic/0005g5xc

 

[ntrprs]

Fuck him!

Literally, fuck him. Fuck the daylights out of this guy. Tell him to whip out his nightstick and get the handcuffs ready.
Then tell us all about it.
Please.
Still crazy after all these years.

Actually Karen, just talk to the guy , let him know where you're coming from and everything WILL workout.

Then tell us everything.

How's the weather up there?

 

[covariant]

Hey, maybe you'll hypnotize him~just think of the possibilities !!

Well, I'm hypnotized just from looking at her AV, I'm sure he is too!

Again, have fun Karen, and keep us posted.

 

[eudaemonia]

Definitely keep us posted, KD.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I really hearing others' stories of finding and keeping love and hot romance.

 

[covariant]

Definitely keep us posted, KD.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I really hearing others' stories of finding and keeping love and hot romance.

I really like it too (I guess my life has gotten a little boring).

 

[KarenDee]

Thanks again. The most recent update (heh...like you really want to be reading my daily diary!): We went out early this morning for an enjoyable hike up a local mountain. Kind of cool crisp Fall day with just enough colorful leaves left on the trees to make it pretty. Beautiful view from the summit, you could see the Boston skyline 50 miles away. Holding hands on the mountain top was fun too!

Stopped off at the local firestation on the way home because they were sponsoring a Halloween costume contest for the kids, and it was so much fun seeing all the little ones dressed up! The day ended way too soon! He's on duty this afternoon, so it was a morning date only. Things are progressing nicely...we both love each other's company. Well at least I do...and the handholding and a couple of kisses leads me to believe he does too.

Well E, I won't bore you with daily updates, but there is plenty of chemistry here!