How To Handle Difficult Situation?

[Mixed_Emotions]

First of all, I apologize in advance because this might be somewhat lengthy. I just wanted to get a bit of suggestions or advice, or maybe even just to get this off my chest as a way of venting without actually speaking to the people involved.

To start off with, I'm a married man in his early 30s, been married for a few years now and I love my wife very much. However, sexually we are not on the same page. We don't do it as often as I would like and I'm sure not as often as she would either. However, I always seem to be the one who initiates anything between us, it would be nice every now and then if she'd be the one to make the first move so I'm not left wondering "does she really want this? or is she just trying to make me happy?" She's not into much of the same things that I'm into - not into oral, is fairly quiet during sex while I'm a very aural person that loves a bit of exciting dirty talk. I knew these things going in but they didn't stop me from asking her to marry me because aside from that, she's everything I've always wanted in a wife. Caring, patient, sweet, kind, generous -- basically just a fantastic person and that's what drew me to her.

However, lately the lack of an exciting sex life has left me pretty numb. This isn't to say that we never have it though. But to be quite honest, I've also found myself not being as attracted to my wife as I used to be and I hate that I feel like that.

Well, here's where things start to get tricky. Originally I sought out some fun online hoping that would scratch the itch I was having to an extent. It did for a while, I was able to talk to some fun women and enjoy some hot steamy talk that I've been craving, but then I met this one specific woman who totally changed things. I started developing feelings for her as more than just somebody fun to fool around with but as somebody that I actually cared about and thought about during my day. She and I will talk online daily, we'll exchange texts while each of us is at work and will make plans when we're able to talk on the phone. I started finding myself sneaking peeks at my phone when the wife wasn't looking in order to send or read a message. Would stay late from work to call her and lie to my wife about what I had been up to.

Yes, I've had phone sex with her, yes we've played online, but no we haven't met...yet. Thankfully she lives in another city so I haven't been tempted yet but it's something that has crossed my mind. I find myself feeling completely guilty about it because I always said that I would never be the type of guy who would cheat.

I really care about this new friend of mine and have to admit that I'm more than a little curious about what it would be like to be with her, even if it's just one night because the sex would be incredible and just the thought of feeling her skin against mine drives me crazy. But, I'm not sure if I would completely hate myself if anything were to happen and if I'd be haunted by horrible feelings of guilt afterwards and what would ever happen if my wife found out. I also am quite close to this new woman and care about her a lot as well so the thought of cutting off contact with her is difficult to wrap my head around as well.

I understand the irony of posting this message on a place like Lit but I figured that there has to be at least somebody that's had to deal with feeling torn by a similar situation that could offer some advice on how to cope with it.

Thanks for reading and getting this off my chest.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Relax. Your wife prolly does the same.

 

[LadyVer]

FWIW, you're playing with fire.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You need to STOP what you're doing, step back, and think. Why is it that your marriage is failing, and is this something that can be recovered through communication with your partner? There is NO problem that can't be resolved through communication, even if that is to part company and go your separate ways.

As far as seeking relationships outside of your marriage, again, I would recommend that you look at your marriage and see if it is salvageable first, if not, end it and move on with your life, don't bring someone else into your dysfunction, it is not fair to your wife, it is not fair to your new partner, and it is not fair to you.

 

[NightL]

Why do you find it easier to talk to strangers than someone who should be not only your wife but indeed your best friend?

Is your wife your best friend - closest buddy? Talk to her - it is really quite simple.

By turning to others first, you actually carry the weight and responsibility for continuing the impasse.

 

[Mixed_Emotions]

I really appreciate the feedback so far. Looks like the general consensus is for me to talk to my wife about things. I absolutely want to make things right just unsure as to how exactly to bring up my concerns to her without devastating her self esteem.

 

[CoeurNoir]

Well, if you're going into it trying not to hurt her feelings, you're not being entirely realistic. It's not going to be comfortable. I've been on your side of the equation in a marriage; I've been on her side in long-term relationships. Both hurt.

As for what to say, keep it simple and avoid blaming. Something along the lines of: "I feel like we aren't communicating very well about our sex life, and I'd like to do something to improve that. I hope you will want to as well." And then suggest going to a therapist (and this part is important) together. Having someone trained in how to talk about sexual problems is extremely helpful, in my experience. Just my two cents.

 

[dutchrain]

I really appreciate the feedback so far. Looks like the general consensus is for me to talk to my wife about things. I absolutely want to make things right just unsure as to how exactly to bring up my concerns to her without devastating her self esteem.

In your first post in this thread you mention it also 'bothers' (to shorten the sentence you used) you that your wife never takes the initiative to sex.

Does she make remarks like "I am going to bed, are you coming too?" once in a while? It could be that is more than an invitation to go to sleep at the same time. Some people are not comfortable talking about sex for various reasons. If she is one of them, a nice talk about your communal sexlife would only result in her closing up about the subject I am afraid.

You also mentioned you are not as attracted to her as you once was. I blatantly assume you are talking about her body shape. Is she still as attracted to you as she once was? Maybe you could go to the gym together, or go for a bicycle ride (healthy pick nick included) once a week? Go swimming together? Something like that to get both of you in a healthier shape?

That way you wouldn't have to say to her her body isn't as crisp as it once was.

You could even lie, and tell her you need her to join your exercise regime because you wouldn't keep it up otherwise.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The real question is: Whats the best course of action when your partner fails his/her duties? People fail for all kinds of reasons. But lets say the partner cant work and contribute income, or has a stroke, or whatever.

I think the central issue oughta be devotion rather than maximizing the goodies we get. And if the devotion to the partner is gone, how come?

 

[NippleMuncher]

I really appreciate the feedback so far. Looks like the general consensus is for me to talk to my wife about things. I absolutely want to make things right just unsure as to how exactly to bring up my concerns to her without devastating her self esteem.

Again, I would urge you to step back and figure out what the real problems are with the relationship, it isn't lack of sex or that she never initiates, those are symptoms.

Any relationship is a partnership, you have to work together if you want it to be strong and lasting, this includes good, honest, and open communication.

You can start the conversation just by being calm and pointing out a few of the obvious MUTUAL flaws in the relationship, such as the lack of communication.

 

[Recidiva]

You owe your wife your truth. Now that you've told others before you told her, you owe her the truth that you turned to anonymous people in something intimate that should have been between the two of you and now is involving another person intimately and random strangers as therapists.

You should be sharing a life and sharing choices and sharing effort.

I will not say that you belong together, but that's now been complicated by actions, and you need to talk to her directly and without defensiveness, tell her what you've done and be vulnerable to the truth, and go from there.

You can go in whatever direction, but you need to be responsible for what you've done and not put it on her. It is not her "fault" that you strayed, it is your fault for feeling the need to stray and not telling her about it.

I hope it works out well for you in whatever capacity, but if you can't give her the rest of your life, at least give her the truth.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

I agree that your wife is probably feeling the same way.
However, you are living in a fantasy world right now with this other woman. She is perfect for you because you don't KNOW her. She probably says all the right things and makes you feel warm and fuzzy in all the right places. After being with her for several years you are going to find yourself wanting to hear a different kind of moan and taste something sweeter.
One night with her will either show you that can connect physically and you'll feel even worse about your wife. Or you'll realize that she's not as perfect as she seemed on the phone and you'll go home hating yourself for betraying your marriage.

You have to back away. If you're that unhappy in your marriage fix it or leave. I don't even know if you need to TALK about it. Just do it. Take your wife in a different way. Kiss her on her neck or wherever it is that you've probably stopped kissing her. Send HER a dirty text.

 

[Primalex]

I really care about this new friend of mine and have to admit that I'm more than a little curious about what it would be like to be with her, even if it's just one night because the sex would be incredible and just the thought of feeling her skin against mine drives me crazy.

That's just your mind. She is just skin and pussy, too.

 

[Primalex]

You owe your wife your truth. Now that you've told others before you told her, you owe her the truth that you turned to anonymous people in something intimate that should have been between the two of you

What exactly should this be for? To satisfy the god of righteousness?

It doesn't help her, it doesn't help him, it doesn't help the relationship.

You can go in whatever direction, but you need to be responsible for what you've done and not put it on her.

Right. He has to live with it. He has no right to put this on her.

 

[Recidiva]

What exactly should this be for? To satisfy the god of righteousness?

It doesn't help her, it doesn't help him, it doesn't help the relationship.

Right. He has to live with it. He has no right to put this on her.

Selfishness isn't a virtue. He agreed to love and honor her, he did neither. He broke his word, he should come clean and make a new agreement.

If she'd asked to be lied to and have the truth hidden, he probably wouldn't be considering it a "difficult situation."

 

[Recidiva]

I could not disagree with this more. I don't believe telling her will help HER at all and I don't think he should. Telling her will not do a thing for her or their marriage.

Most people confess affairs to alleviate their own guilt not because they want to be honest with their partner or respect their "agreement." Not every secret should be shared. He can be responsible for his actions on his own time, and make amends by his ongoing behaviour from here on in. However, she doesn't need to know about it.

Yeah, I don't buy that. I think it's a justification for keeping secrets and letting things lie without taking responsibility for them.

I am married, I've been married, I would never have preferred to be lied to. The damage to her has been done, admit it.

If you can't handle the pressures or expectations of a marriage, get out. It's not mandatory. It's not about alleviating guilt, it's about taking responsibility.

Can you honestly say that you would want that to happen to you and have a spouse cut you out of your life so completely and think it's for your own good that they took no action "together" to fix it, but took only unilateral action that was self serving? If you genuinely want that, did you say as wedding vows "I want things to look right, but not be right. Please just lie to me when things go badly, do things in a selfish manner, and then protect me by not letting me know."

If that was their actual vow, then do that.

 

[Recidiva]

I think you're being a little bit dramatic. He hasn't "cut her out of his life so completely." He has made a mistake. It happens. He hasn't fucked every person he comes across, he's had a flirtation and some phone sex and developed a friendship he cares about. Big deal... it happens more than you know. He's not fucking his secretary every time he needs a letter typed. He's not gambling away their life savings. He hasn't killed anyone. He's had a flirtation, some phone sex, and a friendship he cares about. He can stop it before it's too late, without killing his wife or his marriage. I can honestly say if my marriage worked like this, I would not want or need to know about this.

Then you may disagree with me at your leisure. You didn't ask for advice. The opening poster did. That's my advice.

 

[Noor]

I knew these things going in but they didn't stop me from asking her to marry me because aside from that, she's everything I've always wanted in a wife. Caring, patient, sweet, kind, generous -- basically just a fantastic person and that's what drew me to her.

So basically you married her under false pretenses but are using this as a reason to cheat?

I say talk to your wife carefully, remembering that this is your doing and not hers. She may not decide to keep you which I suspect is what you were afraid of all along since you didn't discuss this prior to marriage.

I see no advantage to your confessing unless you want to intentionally hurt her but I do think you need to tell her what your "requirements" for the future are and make it clear that to her that you will look elsewhere if she cannot provide them. I would be pretty out of range of anything she can use as weapon at this point because if someone did that to me, I would be seeing red.

 

[Noor]

The real question is: Whats the best course of action when your partner fails his/her duties? People fail for all kinds of reasons. But lets say the partner cant work and contribute income, or has a stroke, or whatever.

I think the central issue oughta be devotion rather than maximizing the goodies we get. And if the devotion to the partner is gone, how come?

Yes, but who has failed here? A wife who can't meet her husbands unexpressed demands or a husband who marries a woman under one set of circumstances and expects something different?

 

[Recidiva]

Exactly.

No, you've missed a nuance.

On the off chance that his wife is not, in fact like him or like you, and might in fact be like me, and would be absolutely infuriated at reserving myself for monogamy and not being out having fun when I clearly could have had an open relationship...maybe consider my advice.

Because if he was like you or she was like him or like you, it wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

You can't speak for her, he can't speak for her and I am simply saying...let her speak for her.

My way has the actual benefit or providing another human being with reality and choices that she should have had in the first place if she hadn't made an agreement with someone who couldn't keep that agreement.

 

[Recidiva]

"Your" way also has the "benefit" of potentially ruining a person and a marriage that has just hit a crossroads, not a dead end.

However, I thought you wanted to agree to disagree. Like you, I'm giving MY advice to the OP. I'm aware my views on these things are not the norm here, but they're views none-the-less and, like you, I am allowed to express them.

That's cool, but your opinion has the drawback of allowing the OP to think he's the absolute coolest person ever and to tell her the truth would somehow deny her the awesomeness of his presence, and wouldn't that be a shame?

If he's that great and she's that cool, she'll choose to stay with him. But she should have that choice.

He'll make his choice, fortunately I'm not married to either of you and it's not really my problem. So let's hear it for diversity! If your marriage works for you, cool, mine works for mine, his isn't working for him, it's up to him to determine how and fix it the best he can. Differences in approach can be illuminating.

 

[SmileyGirl]

Nobody can speak for the OP's wife but I agree with Rainshine. What is there to achieve by telling her? To make things even worse? I'm sure if I were the wife in this situation I would most probably say I would want honesty but sometimes there are things you are better off not knowing. If the OP wants to save his marriage like he says he does and make things better then I see no positive outcome by confessing to her, it will just drive a further wedge between them.

But what do I know I'm not married etc etc. But it's my view for what it's worth.

 

[Recidiva]

Nobody can speak for the OP's wife but I agree with Rainshine. What is there to achieve by telling her? To make things even worse? I'm sure if I were the wife in this situation I would most probably say I would want honesty but sometimes there are things you are better off not knowing. If the OP wants to save his marriage like he says he does and make things better then I see no positive outcome by confessing to herit will just drive a further wedge between them.

But what do I know I'm not married etc etc. But it's my view for what it's worth.

Because it's not "his" marriage, it's "their" marriage.

 

[Recidiva]

There's only one person implying he thinks he's the "coolest person ever" and that's not me or even the OP, nor anyone else in this thread.

But the argument is that the marriage must be preserved by lying. I'm advocating attempting to save the marriage through truth.

If he knows he can't save it through the truth, he probably knew it before he chose to lie.

So I don't think he's the best judge of character and maybe she can salvage it, but someone needs to be a grownup.

 

[SmileyGirl]

Because it's not "his" marriage, it's "their" marriage.

I understand that but sometimes confessing all just doesn't achieve anything it only makes things worse. I'm not saying it's right or fair but neither is rubbing her face in it for the sake of it.