How to get out of your head?

[Clynn86]

Long story short....I'm 36 and never been able to reach climax during oral sex or intercourse. I only reach climax through masturbation. I know it's all in my head so looking for advice on how to relax more and not get frustrated.

 

[RedSilk69]

I’m not a psychologist, but I can tell you what works for this overthinker:

1 - Safe environment. I need to be able to make noise and not feel self conscious, know that no one is going to barge in, etc.

2 - Safe person. I need to know and trust the person I am with. After a fairly crappy marriage I still get surprised when men like it when I get carried away; this is a tough one, because we pick the partners we think we deserve. Thankfully, divorce is legal.

3 - Meditation. The variety in this case is where you focus on something for ten seconds, then you move to something else; focus on that for the same amount of time, then switch. *Get used to actively directing your brain.* HealthyGamer has a great series on many different types of meditation.

4 - Substances, especially if you are the receiver and don’t have to get hard. They can be a very fun way of just enjoying yourself.

5 - Stop having orgasms as the goal. Don’t put pressure on yourself, and don’t think of this as a something to check off. This can be tough. One way to do this is to have the goal of *not* coming.

6 - Finally, PLAY. A partner who brings you joy is better than a merely safe partner. Someone who delights in your delight is amazing. It is very often not possible - but when it is…

Best of luck. We’re tugging - er, pulling for you.

 

[davion2308]

You're you and none of us can understand your history, your expectations, your experiences, and who you are as a person. I don't think anything we can offer may be able to help because your frame of reference is different from ours.

Saying that, @RedSilk69 is absolutely on the spot with the list. That is as succinct and direct as I've ever seen recommendations related to any kind of sexual activity. That's the track you may want to focus on, and no one element is more important than another, outside perhaps not focusing on orgasm as the single goal.

 

[Rob_Royale]

My wife requires clitoral stimulation to orgasm. No way around it. When we were thin and young our pelvises grinding together was enough but as we got older and heavier, that didn't work so well anymore. So we applied a small vibrating bullet on her clit when we are having penetrative sex. We just press it in between ourselves and hold it in place. Honestly, it sends her off like a rocket and I enjoy it too. I also use is it during oral and when I'm fingering her. It's a terrific tool.

You might try this.

 

[Lady2020]

Long story short....I'm 36 and never been able to reach climax during oral sex or intercourse. I only reach climax through masturbation. I know it's all in my head so looking for advice on how to relax more and not get frustrated.

I don't think that's weird. Sometimes, it's a matter of your partner, how relaxed you are, knowing what your interests are. It may not be what's in your head but what's lacking in your partner.

 

[Britva415]

Practice mindfulness without expectations. Do it regularly and consistently. The benefits will reveal themselves and they won't only be sexual.

There are many ways to learn mindfulness and practice mindfulness. I don't think there's any "best" one, though just picking up something because it has a reputation as something which "has mindfulness" isn't anywhere near as good as intentionally studying and practicing mindfulness specifically, as opposed to hoping to have "some mindfulness" rub off on you as an aside of some other activity (yoga just for one example, it's better to learn mindfulness and apply it to yoga than to try to learn mindfulness from yoga. There are many things like this.)

Jon Kabat-Zinn's work is a great place to start, but not the only.

It will take a while, there won't be instant results. You might already be aware of this if you have already tried "quick fixes" and find they don't work.

But slowly and steadily over time, consistent and regular practice will accrue results in a variety of areas of life, and it's likely that sex can be one of them.

 

[littlecordelera]

Long story short....I'm 36 and never been able to reach climax during oral sex or intercourse. I only reach climax through masturbation. I know it's all in my head so looking for advice on how to relax more and not get frustrated.

I strongly suggest you find a licensed therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It is unlikely that your issue is confined to sex, but that would be very difficult for you to recognize.

 

[MarkBurr]

I’m not a psychologist, but I can tell you what works for this overthinker:

1 - Safe environment. I need to be able to make noise and not feel self conscious, know that no one is going to barge in, etc.

2 - Safe person. I need to know and trust the person I am with. After a fairly crappy marriage I still get surprised when men like it when I get carried away; this is a tough one, because we pick the partners we think we deserve. Thankfully, divorce is legal.

3 - Meditation. The variety in this case is where you focus on something for ten seconds, then you move to something else; focus on that for the same amount of time, then switch. *Get used to actively directing your brain.* HealthyGamer has a great series on many different types of meditation.

4 - Substances, especially if you are the receiver and don’t have to get hard. They can be a very fun way of just enjoying yourself.

5 - Stop having orgasms as the goal. Don’t put pressure on yourself, and don’t think of this as a something to check off. This can be tough. One way to do this is to have the goal of *not* coming.

6 - Finally, PLAY. A partner who brings you joy is better than a merely safe partner. Someone who delights in your delight is amazing. It is very often not possible - but when it is…

Best of luck. We’re tugging - er, pulling for you.

Excellent advice. Let go and enjoy the now….it feels yummy right now.

 

[LoneMilf]

My wife requires clitoral stimulation to orgasm. No way around it. When we were thin and young our pelvises grinding together was enough but as we got older and heavier, that didn't work so well anymore. So we applied a small vibrating bullet on her clit when we are having penetrative sex. We just press it in between ourselves and hold it in place. Honestly, it sends her off like a rocket and I enjoy it too. I also use is it during oral and when I'm fingering her. It's a terrific tool.

You might try this.

I'm like that too - without clit stimulation, I'm very unlikely to reach an orgasm.

Fortunately, I found out fairly early, so husband and I just added a vibrator as a regular feature in our play (pro tip: missionary with one leg on his shoulder while you hold the vibe works very well for this ).

And of course, sex isn't (just) about orgasms - sometimes it's more fun just to play or to focus fully on your partner

 

[JusticeGrey]

My wife is very easily distracted and once age loses focus, it's over for her. I suggest you set aside a long time with your lover who is aware of your situation. Go somewhere you two can be completely alone, either your bedroom in a house, secluded cabin, whatever. Block out all distractions. Your partner needs to take the time to relax you, let you open up. They will have to be someone you trust.

Focus on the feelings. Steer them toward touching you how you would touch yourself. Using toys with partners is fun, too. Before my wife got over her self-consciousness of being orally pleasured, I would often bring her to orgasm with her vibrator once I had finished (which got me ready for more!). Maybe start there. Once you orgasm with your partner, maybe it will get easier.

 

[NightL]

who is responsible for communication? If someone is not listening how long should they wait for a story not told?

 

[K155]

I used to be like this, when I was a lot younger. I'd be so worried about my body, I looked, whether it was enjoyable for the other person... I did get orgasms but it was a matter of luck.

I'd just had a fling with a man I was madly in love with, he was an excellent lover but I just couldn't come. After our affair I took some time to reflect.

I realised that anyone who was having sex with me, found me attractive enough to fuck. So I stopped worrying about how I looked.

I realised that I wanted to please whoever I was fucking, so it stood to reason they would be as keen to please me. So I stopped being passive in bed, if I wanted to come, I had to let go and take part.

I realised that sex isn't a rose scented, beautiful sweet tasting event. Its hot and sweaty, its sticky and messy. So I stopped worrying about sounds, smells (regularl clean person sex smells) and started to focus on the feelings.

The next lover I had still slides into my DMs 16 years later and would get on a plane to fuck me tomorrow if I asked him to.

So my advice is to recognise your worries/insecurities and then chuck them all in the bin!

 

[AnnyMouse28]

To me it sounds like you are a selfish lover, focused primarily on your own feelings, thoughts, and sensations.

Or maybe (and more likely) it is the partner that is the selfish. Not caring enough to explore, take the time and effort to bring their partner to orgasm.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

Sure. That must be it. A string of x number of selfish partners is far more likely than the problem being the one common denominator.

As someone who has never orgasmed with a partner I will say it is a combination of factors. NONE of which is my selfishness. The guy always cums. Guys are selfish in nature. Especially if it is not a relationship and only a hook up. I also put blame on woman who fake it so guys assume they know what to do when they really have no clue. The only thing that is my fault in this equation is that I am not more vocal about my needs during the act.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I’m not a psychologist, but I can tell you what works for this overthinker:

1 - Safe environment. I need to be able to make noise and not feel self conscious, know that no one is going to barge in, etc.

2 - Safe person. I need to know and trust the person I am with. After a fairly crappy marriage I still get surprised when men like it when I get carried away; this is a tough one, because we pick the partners we think we deserve. Thankfully, divorce is legal.

3 - Meditation. The variety in this case is where you focus on something for ten seconds, then you move to something else; focus on that for the same amount of time, then switch. *Get used to actively directing your brain.* HealthyGamer has a great series on many different types of meditation.

4 - Substances, especially if you are the receiver and don’t have to get hard. They can be a very fun way of just enjoying yourself.

5 - Stop having orgasms as the goal. Don’t put pressure on yourself, and don’t think of this as a something to check off. This can be tough. One way to do this is to have the goal of *not* coming.

6 - Finally, PLAY. A partner who brings you joy is better than a merely safe partner. Someone who delights in your delight is amazing. It is very often not possible - but when it is…

Best of luck. We’re tugging - er, pulling for you.

This sounds like great advice.
The final 3 years of my marriage my husband could only cum when he masturbated. 34 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the number if times my mouth or hand took him to orgasm.

 

[AchtungNight]

My advice is to slack off from masturbation a bit and let your body build up some tension. Your partner’s stimulating can take over for yours more easily if you adjust and ease into it. A patient partner you’re into will also help. And in the words of one of the most promiscuous characters in video games- “Keep your expectations low. You will never be disappointed.”

 

[greengamegirl]

Long story short....I'm 36 and never been able to reach climax during oral sex or intercourse. I only reach climax through masturbation. I know it's all in my head so looking for advice on how to relax more and not get frustrated.

This post is old but is the only thing that has caught my interest.

You need to think about the same thing you think about when you're masturbating. That's what makes you orgasm, whatever it is.

If you don't think about people or the person you're with when you masturbate, it's not going to work thinking about that when you're having sex.

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

This sounds like great advice.
The final 3 years of my marriage my husband could only cum when he masturbated. 34 years of marriage, I can count on one hand the number if times my mouth or hand took him to orgasm.

Goodness. Sorry to hear that. Yet, I'm hoping you're now finding healthy sexual bliss with yourself and others; and that you cultivate feeling desired on your own, as well (ie. buying, wearing, playing with things just to accentuate your unique sensuality). That way, when a partner makes you feel desired, it's just an added bonus .

 

[SweetieGinger69]

Long story short....I'm 36 and never been able to reach climax during oral sex or intercourse. I only reach climax through masturbation. I know it's all in my head so looking for advice on how to relax more and not get frustrated.

It’s tough. We tend to focus on our insecurities and that distracts us from the moment and steals our own pleasure. It took me many years to feel comfortable with moaning during play because I always felt self-conscious about it. Silly me, it turns my partner on!

I don’t know about your masturbation technique, but chances are a lot of it is mental- visualizing/fantasizing/etc. Come to this site, go on kink sites, browse toys online, look at sexy clothing..when you start feeling turned on you’re doing something right. Do more of it. Allow yourself to go down that rabbit hole. Take whatever it is that really gets you going during masturbation and apply that to your partnered encounters.

Does visualizing what is happening to your body stimulate you? What about watching your partners reactions? Don’t be afraid to be “selfish” and focus on your own pleasure/orgasm. One thing I’ve also learned is to not directly say when you’re about to cum, but rather encourage that exact movement/activity/speed that is pushing you to the edge.